Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Friday
Jan122007

Silencing The Mind

"When the mind is made quiet, something new steps in."


I am employing a new strategy in life. I am tired of the same old brain cycle that has, thus far, ruled my actions and reactions and in many cases, led me astray. A lot. I read somewhere that most of us keep thinking the same thoughts, and visualize the same mental images in an unconscious, automatic manner. This means we keep viewing the same movie in our minds, and consequently go on creating and living the same kind of life.

I want to spring-clean my brain, clear away the clutter and mop up all the dusty thoughts, dirty images and unsavory characters that have been taking up too much space. For some time now, I've been painfully aware that I devote too much of my thought process to things that upset me, situations I can't control. What is the point of all that? It's like tongue-probing a sore tooth because you know it's going to hurt. Stop touching it and go to the dentist already!

I am changing the images in my mind.. All I gotta do is shove a new D-V-D into the player. This D-V-D? It stars yours truly as the beautiful, successful heroine. I will swordfight through life without sweating the bullshit! Or trying not to anyway. Maybe I'll perspire just a bit.. Not sweat though, more like a dew. I can feel this happening already. Soulquake. A fissuring of my insides.. Where past dramas beg to be relinquished and future excitements are requesting my attention. I have big plans, that, for once, don't involve anything other than love and family and happy.

If you keep dwelling on your current circumstances you will keep recreating them. Most people get caught in this way of thinking, and consequently attract into their lives the same kind of events and circumstances over and over again. You can change your thoughts! You can! Choose the thoughts you want and change your life, man. You can - right now - start to think in a different way and paint a new, beautiful, and positive painting on the canvas of your mind. You can refuse to look at the tattered, faded old pictures and scenes that cause you pain or regret. All the while I never realized I can decide to look at the mental pictures of my choice, even when my circumstances are very different from these mental images. Sure I'll have to force myself in the beginning - as with anything. But eventually, hopefully, it will be habitual.

I will be 30 in March. 30! And boy howdy, am I fucking excited! I will get up at 6:28 AM to mark the exact second I click over into my fourth decade of life. It is a rare thing, indeed to be afforded the opportunity to start afresh with a whole new decade. This will be the first time, I think, that my birthday actually means something to me. Something besides, getting a driver's license or becoming an "adult" when we all know the age of 18 has absolutely NOTHING to do with maturity or wisdom. Obviously, when I turned 11 I didn't give it much thought. A new decade. When I turned 20 I was just longing for 21 and legal entry to local bars. But now - I have undergone so many growing pains during these past five years.. And the past two? Forget about it. I've learned more about myself since I met The Surge than I think I absorbed between 20 and 25 altogether. I've learned more than I can handle, actually. It's been overwhelming to discover my not-so-nice side. And yet, it's been amazing to see what I can overcome too.

It can be devastating to learn distasteful things about yourself. Behaviors you would (and do!) castigate others for. On the B side of this little record I'm spinning? It's fucking awesome to be able to view the world with a mind that is in the midst of being cleared of cobwebs, of anger, jealousy, resentment and silly behavior. Oh, I'm still tempted to react innappropriately, childishly, selfishly. But I have efforted massive improvements.. especially in the past year. Self-awareness. It's huge. I am still feeling angry reactions to life and I am sorely tempted to justify shitty behaviors - but I am trying so hard not to act on it. Next year? Maybe I won't even feel the anger. I'll just flick away the mosquitos of life as quickly as they land.

Silencing the mind. That's the pot of gold. The ability to switch off my mind, or turn it on at my leisure. Silencing the thoughts and the incessant, tiring, consuming chatter in my head. When I finally learn to boss my mind into submission I will free myself from my usual negative habits, attitudes and behaviors.

My mind isn't the boss of me, I'm the boss of my mind and up until now I've been its bitch, falling victim to its dictates and whims. Not anymore. From now on I will work on thinking about what I want, when I want, instead of allowing my mind to cycle through the white noise that makes me mad, sad and then act bad.