I am feeling lower than low. It's not related to the depression. It's because I am a hypocrite. I am a self-obsessed fool. I hate myself. What am I doing? Taking photos of myself, uploading them onto the internet, sharing all my bullshit all the time like I'm somebody? What the fuck? MySpace? I'm nearly 30 years old. Yes, it's a nice way to keep in touch with people.. but suddenly, there I am again, uploading silly photos of myself where I think I look hot, checking up on other people's accounts and then making fun of The Ex or whomever for doing the same damn thing. And then this blog.. I find myself not writing what I want to write. What do I want to write? I don't know. I am trying so hard to be authentic in this blog, but inevitibly - I'm writing for an audience... and that makes it less real. Remember that stupid reality show Newlyweds with Nick and Jessica? Y'think they acted like themselves with the camera on them? Hell no. So in a way, although I'm trying to be real I end up performing to an extent. What I realized is this; since I've been writing in this blog I stopped keeping a journal. Because this blog was my journal. But I don't write everything I'd write in a journal in this blog for fear of offending or hurting someone's feelings. I didn't realize it but I've been bottling up many of my feelings and not letting them out anywhere. So.. what now? I suppose I could turn off comments. It would create a more solitary vibe so that I feel like I'm only writing for me and if anyone happens to read the shit, great. If not, s'fine too because either way I won't know who's reading and what they think.. But I like reading comments. Sometimes it's nice to know I'm not alone in my fucked up life endeavors. Also, why am I giving it so much thought? Who the fuck cares, it's just a silly little blog. There are millions of 'em out there. Today: I hate myself, I hate The Surge, I hate how I think, I hate how I feel. I want to be somebody else.