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Monday
Aug282006

Happy Birthday, Asshole



"Y'know, Monica farts, ALL the time." My older brother Brandon drops this bomb casually, then giggles with glee as my current crush swallows and stares stupidly at his shoes.

He was bigger. He was stronger. Most importantly, he was older and, at the age of fifteen,had sworn an oath dedicating his life to ruining mine.

Gone was the sweet, smiling youngster with a face full of sunshine. In his place trawled a scowling teen with a chip on his shoulder that could rival the Grand Canyon.

I tried to conduct the very delicate business of being a 13-year-old girl as far from his evil eye as possible. Sometimes though, avoiding a tornado proves rather difficult and well, you just don't make it to the storm cellar in time.

It all started when I had the unmitigated gall to actually think it was safe to invite my new junior high crush over to the house.
"Okay, I'll see you in a minute." After untangling myself from a phone cord stretched so much it could nearly reach outside, I hang up the telephone.

Before taking the very bold step of inviting the superhot Joe Bonham over I'd thoroughly checked the house from top to bottom, taking extra care to listen at Brandon's perpetually locked door (he'd taken to using his ground floor window as an entry/exit) to make sure the coast was clear.

There was Jordan, quietly watching afternoon cartoons in the basement, an occasional chortle interrupting The Roadrunner's "MEEP MEEP!" Shaun was hippety-hopping about on the trampoline in the backyard. Mom was, of course, at work.

After investigating the "fort" Brandon had erected from old wood he found piled in our shed I officially declared the premises a Brandon-Free Zone and had raced to the kitchen telephone to invite Joe over.

After I hang up the phone I hustle to my bedroom to slide into a pair of my best acid washed jeans. The extremely stylish ones with the bow perched atop the zippered ankle. I twirl in my full length mirror to examine the effect. Niiice. I top the jeans with my very cool black tee-shirt with "Lifes A Beach" spray painted in hot pink across a chartreuse tropical beach scene, then skip to the bathroom to check my bangs.

As my fingers peck at my perfectly curled bangs like a demented chicken, to my utter dismay I hear the front door slam shut. I freeze as the unmistakable pound of my brother's feet on the stairs beats to the rhythm of my rapidly approaching heart attack.

I stand still, hand on the turquoise canister of Aqua Net, ears straining, praying to god it is only little Shaun in search of fruit roll-ups. In my heart I know it is Him. The Evil One. The squeak of the cereal cabinet confirms my worst fears. Oh god in heaven! Brandon is home and Joe was, at this very moment, innocently heading straight into the yawning maws of hell!

Bang arrangement forgotten, I pace the bathroom floor furtively before leaping into action. I ease open the door, carefully look both ways then ballet dance across the hall toward the phone extension in my mom's room. Frantically, I dial Joe's digits.
"Is Joe there?" I hiss desperately at his mother.
"No dear. He's on his way to a friend's house." She sing-songs down the line Donna Reed style. I could almost smell the cookies baking in her kitsch kitchen with it's green and white gingham curtains, a complimentary contrast to the red walls painted in an old-timey Coca Cola motif.
"Can I leave him a message?" She asks politely. So this is what normal families are like I marveled. Cordial phone conversations, mothers at home preparing dinner. Little Johnny probably enjoying milk and freshly baked cookies at the silver and formica kitchen table.

"Um.. No. Thanks anyway." I slam down the phone and skitter to the living room window and peer out despairingly, just in time to see Joe press the doorbell down below. Before I can move, Brandon thunders heavily down the hall shouting "I'll get it!"

I scramble after him but it's too late. I round the corner to a nightmarish scene. There stands Joe in all his hunky fourteen year old glory. And my big brother Brandon.

My older brother turns to me, a wicked grin through which all manner of putrescence from his dark soul enters the universe splits his horrifying countenance.
"Soooo..." he says to Joe. "You like my sister huh? I bet you wouldn't like her if you smelled the bathroom every morning when she finishes."
Embarrassed, Joe looks to me for help but I am agog at this gargantuan leap into new and humiliating territory. I can only gurgle "Nu-uh.."
"In fact," Brandon continues unabashedly, "yesterday she forgot to flush. You would not BeLIEVE the size of the loaf she left sitting there. Biggest turd you ever saw. She really pinched off a record breaker."

I spiral into despair, my young life flashes before my eyes before I regain enough composure to rush Joe from The Wicked One's gnarly clutches.
"C'mon Joe. Lets go hang out in my room." I try my best to ignore Brandon, but the three of us know there is no recovery from stinky loaf talk. At least I don't give Brandon what he really wants. Tears, screaming, slamming doors. Those are the only reactions that will satiate The Beast.
"Seriously Joe, I'm not lying. Why would I make THAT up? That would just be weird." Brandon utters this last bit before casually taking a bite of his cereal.

Oh the trickery! The sheer duplicity! I drag Joe down the hall by the handful of tee-shirt I've grasped in my fist.
"You know, Monica wet the bed until she was eight years old." Brandon trails us down the hall, shoveling giant spoonfuls of Trix into his snarling mouth. I slam my door and thankfully, he stays out. Apparently, his work here is done.
"Just thought you should know, man!" He shouts helpfully through the wood laminate.

Inside the bedroom, Joe and I stare at each other in silence. Finding words is akin to locating Waldo in my little brother's favorite book.
"He is SUCH a liar." I finally sputter, careful not to get too defensive for fear of appearing guilty. But it's ruined. Joe doesn't know my family well enough to brush off their special brand of horror.


Zoloft: Day 6 - No horrifying side effects thus far. Have a bit of insomnia but that could be completely non-Zoloft related. There is another side effect that has me running to the bathroom for the first hour after waking up, and it isn't because I need to throw up. But it's not that bad and usually goes away pretty quickly.

Reader Comments (19)

brothers are a special brand of hell all their own.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
just to let you know, i had insomnia with zoloft ... i would fall asleep easy enough, but wake up at 2am ... i got to know the wee hours tv schedule quite well. my doctor recommended taking them at night instead of in the morning and it seemed to help.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermichelle
I have three brothers. I can more than sympathize.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
I also have 3 brothers. While I'm older than all of them, and can't necessarily relate to your story, I'll tell you that little brothers have their own brand of embarrassment. Not fun.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis
OMG! Laughing my butt off! Brothers are SUCH assholes. The picture is the best though.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Is that your big toe peeking through your pj's? Love it! Love the story. Happy Birthday to big bro.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Oh my dear lord. This was one of the funniest things I've read recently. You tell it so f'ing well. I could see this as a Wonder Years-for-the-rest-of-us style TV show. Seriously. You should pitch your life to the networks. SERIOUSLY.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
I think the only thing you can say to him is happy Birth Day. And then offer to baby sit his Teen Girls for the Summer. Teach them all about the big City, And let him deal with the Bishop after you send them back right befor school starts. Better than that offer to help him Plan the Stake teen Dance and only bring "gansta rap" for him to play.

I Hope this makes you feel just a bit Better

Sailor Mike
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSailor Mike
What a perfect portrayal of brother and sister. Brothers are assholes, it's their job. I might be mistaken but I've never read about a sister, so it's only brothers then. You poor, poor dear. I considered it my duty to make my sister's life miserable as well. Now we are the best of friends. I love the picture.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
You have a knack for dialogue and humor. You really do need to get a book deal. I know, it isn't that easy but your family is as funny or funnier than David Sedaris'.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
"Oh god in heaven! Brandon is home and Joe was, at this very moment, innocently heading straight into the yawning maws of hell!"

""No dear. He's on his way to a friend's house." She sing-songs down the line Donna Reed style."

"My older brother turns to me, a wicked grin through which all manner of putrescence from his dark soul enters the universe splits his horrifying countenance."

Three lines that made me smack myself upside the head! You bad, sista.







He even looks a bit mischevious or devilish in the photo. He is up to something. You, on the other hand, are cute as a button.
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRaj
Really cute pic! I'm the oldest of my siblings, but can really relate to being embarrassed by them...
August 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
...you both look great and happy on this photo:), I bet you love him very much!!! and this story is fucking good footage on tv sitcome...it's recalled me of 'the wonder years' I used to love this sitcome a lots, ...my best friend has an older brother so I can imagine how it was in your age;)
August 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
And to think I wished so hard for a brother when I was little...
I love the way you paint this picture. Your description of the scene is so vivid & funny. I can visualize this as if I'm watching it on TV. Acid wash jeans, curled bangs & Aqua Net...are you sure you didn't grow up in NJ?
If it's not to nosy to ask, is Brandon the same brother from your Barefoot in the Snow chapter?
August 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
Yup.. the same.
August 29, 2006 | Registered CommenterThe Girl Who...
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus...brothers are from Uranus!

You captured well ,the brother-sister dynamic.

August 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrownie

This is hilarious! Especially since I know you and Joe. Sounds about right for your brother... ;)
BTW, I like your blog. It is real and entertaining.

October 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJaime O.

aw geez, Louise. THAT was embarrassing to read even. You didn't spare us the details which is what I love about your writing, although this one is particularly difficult to get through! Oh brother it just... brings back memories!

July 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

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