Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Wednesday
Aug232006

So... How's The Weather Where You Live?

Writing a public blog the day after admitting horrendous depression is like meeting up with friends the morning after you got drunk at the bar and screamed at someone until you cried. A tad embarrassing. Or maybe it's like you're going through a divorce and trying to joke your way through small talk at a party where everybody knows your spouse left you for a younger, better looking version. If you try for humor, it's sadder still. Were I to attempt a funny blog about how I got caught digging my shorts out of my bum whilst walking Max down what I obviously thought was an unpopulated road (I think I exposed the entire mass of my left bum cheek) you may courtesy laugh at my jokes but then you'll look at me (or the monitor) cock your head inquisitively to one side and say "but how ARE you?" "Fine." I'll respond. "No, how are you REALLY?" And then you'll touch my arm for effect. And then I'll be doubly embarrassed. I know it shouldn't feel that way, but it does.

The outlook toward taking depression medication is similar. There is still that stigma there. I feel it, even. If Lance Armstrong can win the goddamn Tour de France without steroids, I should be able to make it through life without Zoloft. Right? Kind of like, what the fuck? Quit slogging around and get over it already! Depression is so self-indulgent. A part of me feels that way toward myself. Another part of me knows it's out of my hands. If a person intelligently knows, can discern that her life is nice, loves her very sweet husband and her dog, has decent relationships with most folks - but can't bring herself to get out of bed..

Well, I don't know. I s'pose I could go jog, get those endorphins pumping, but really that does shit for the black hole of despair that grabs me by the nape of my neck, yanks my head back and spits in my face. The feeling that it's hopeless. That everyone is an asshole, even my nice husband. That my bed is the only safe place. That I should never, ever have children because I will, of course, fuck them up beyond repair. The increasing feeling that life is shit and the best you're going to feel is when you're seven, playing kick-the-can with the neighbors and don't know broke from money, bill paying, complex relationships, loneliness etc. And I'll be damned if when you're 7 you just want to be 12 so you can stay up until nine o'clock like your older brother and when you're 12 you wanna be 16 so you can drive the car away from your annoying family and when you're 16 you wanna be 18 so you can move away from your annoying family and when you're 18 you wanna be 21 so you can, like, drink until you can't see and when you're 21 you wanna be 25 so you can be out of college and in the real world already and when you're 25 you're still drinking until you can't see and suddenly you're nearly 30 and you're thinking... WHAT THE FUCK? I can't afford this bill. I can't do this. I am such a failure. I hate you! I hate me! I wish I was 7!!!!

If only to save my poor husband from me, I am going to try the Zoloft. This will be an interesting experiment anyway. I'll chronicle Zoloft: Day One.. and so forth. We'll see...together. If I'm slobbering onto the computer keys, typing shit about nothing (wait, don't I do that already?) then lemme know I'm a big fucking bore and I'll try something else. Either that or I'll go for that jog. Endorphins, you know. For all the talk I hear about endorphins, one day those little fuckers will be credited with world peace, ending hunger and curing aids. And we can all say we knew them back when..

Reader Comments (49)

That's cool Monica. Real cool.
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterButler
Don`t give up !!!! I know how it feels when you Don`t want to get out of bed. But we do. I know it is hard and we have to depend on someone that we Love but we Make it back somehow.

I have just found your Blog 4 days ago I really hope to keep seeing you post. The best thing I can say is " Keep your head up... It will get Better

Sailor Mike
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSailor Mike
Please don't be embarrassed by the fact that you've 'told all' about that nasty, dark place. Sometimes life gets MESSY. I think that all your readers really appreciate your honesty, and following your attempt at getting your mind back will be something we all will follow. You're the best blogger out there!
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
Ugh, so sorry you felt so awkward this morning. I hope the dinner party was a success.

I love your writing, which is why I check in obsessively all day long. But your honesty just blows me away. I've never in my life, in my closest relationships, ever known such honesty. I wish I had a little bit of that.

But I wish you well!
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKDS
In 2001 I was having dizzy spells. I go to the doctor who says it's "inner ear" problem. They give me some meds and 72 hours later, I am still dizzy. I want a damn brain scan! Well my next trip to the doctor has me talking to the intern. He asks me questions about my life. Things are not going well in the love department and i am afraid I am going to be laid off. Normal shit that people go through. The doctor comes and says I am stressed and he is going to give me some Prozac! I tell him no way, I am not going to be on drugs! He says, give it a chance. A few days later, I am sitting at my desk when someone says, "A plane hit the World Trade Center". I walk over to the TV and see the second plane hit.I was amazingly calm. Then all the other shit goes down, People at my office freaking out... I am calm.

I didn't stay on Prozac long, it helped take the edge off.

This has been the worst year of my life and yet I am coping without the blue pill. I may go back on. Give it a chance. I hope you find some peace soon!
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkittenwtw
It was nice today where I live but a little overcast...like the sunshine was trying to break through the clouds all day long...

*hows that for full circle cheese?...god I need a drink*

I like how you faced yesterdays post with more honesty today...not that anyone, especially you should care what the fuck I think...just saying...you are good shit Monica...good shit...
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
all the best to you!!! don't give up - you're right because that's your life...
I want to join KDS too: sorry you felt so awkward this morning, I didn't intend to offend you or make you feel bad by my response, don't be embarrassed, in fack I feel so because I come into your place with "dirty shoes" and without knowing you well...

anyway we've got nice morning full of sun, I wish you well and sunshine for you as well...
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
I don't feel like I would ever have to ask 'but how are you REALLY?' as it seems like you always tell it like it REALLY is...which is awesome.
It's a pity that yesterday's comments turned a bit nasty..(although it never was towards you)..I guess that is part of having a blog. I just feel that I'm not going to tell an intelligent, self-aware, 29 year old woman who I have never met what she should be doing with her life - I'm pretty sure you can figure that one out for yourself. So just want to say - good luck with it all. And as Richelle said, really cool that you have come back today with even more honesty...props.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
i did the prozac thing a few years ago and it was awful ... like kittenwtw said, calm. my favourite aunt died and i didn't shed a tear.

i started with crazy dizzy spells last summer ... out of the blue one day i was driving down the road and i thought that i was going to pass out. i blamed it on the heat ... but it kept happening.

i have been on zoloft for a year beacuse my doctor believes that the spells are anxiety attacks ... basically a couple of stressful years caught up with me. but i still have the dizzys when i drive on the highway, and i can't go near the bridges that span the harbour in my home city.

who knows what that's all about ... checking with the eye doctor today to see if my glasses might be the issue, and then demanding a cat scan if they're not.

anyway the brain is a weird thing. there is no shame in trying out the meds and seeing if they help ... tom cruise does not know where you live and will not call you glib.

take care ... and know that there are others who know how you feel.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermichelle
Hey it's not the worst thing to have to take a pill to feel better. Our bodies are always changing and perhaps you have a slight chemical imbalance. It happens and no one knows until you feel like you do. I've been on anti-depressants for a very long time and very time I get off them I can't get out of bed. You will never know if they work or not if you don't try it for yourself. I wish you luck on the road to a happier and move productive you!

Also the weather here at the Jersey shore is beautiful today it's only going to be high 70's YEAH! Finally no need for the A/C
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJrLouie
For what it's worth, If you had written a post about bum-digging in public, I wouldn't have thought at all about how down you were in your last post. No need to be embarrassed, that's just how it goes. Some days are better than others.

I understand the tendency to think the depression is just yourself being a self-indulgent wussy. However, Lance Armstrong would not have won any kind of race if he couldn't drag his ass out of bed. Take it easy on yourself. Depression is often about brain chemistry, right? So the Zoloft should be helpful. I hope it is. Screw the stigma. I take medication every day to correct the fact that my thyroid hormone levels are out of whack. Millions of people have the same problem, and so take the same medication. Why it should be any different for the millions of people who take medication to correct the fact that their brain hormones (or whatever) are out of whack is beyond my comprehension.

August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
"If only to save my poor husband from me, I am going to try the Zoloft."

Hmmm, I had considered taking pills for my depression too. Then, I realized (after many years of patience, blaming myself and a series of tragic events) that my husband really IS an asshole and the source of my misery and that I'd have to get away from him to be happy. No, he didn't hit me, gamble, etc. The things he did were much more subtle than that. So now that I got rid of him, I am slowly crawling back to being myself after many, many years.
I'm in no way trying to say you're husband is an asshole since I don't even know him or anything about him. But keep your eyes open for all sources of misery, even if facing them is painful. I wasted a lot of years because I was unable to face them and even had myself convinced that I was (or should've been) happy. Hope you feel better soon.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
Hey,

Ofcourse we care about how you're doing and we want to "touch your arm" and ask you how you are, but remember that one of the reasons we come back is because we like your writing! And even though we might not know you, we support you! And reading about your life is a perverse way for us to escape our own. So don't worry about US so much...

That said, how was the party?!
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHen
Lance Armstrong needed medication for cancer. Depression is a disease, too.

The hopeless feeling is a huge symptom and it will go away with treatment. You�ll see. Good luck.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStarsky
It's people like you that I would love to place in Tom Cruise's face (and those that think like him) and go "See! This is real. This affects real people, in real places all across the world!" But you know, he's studied it, the effects of psychiatry, we're all just glib and he knows it all.
Endorphins are good too though. Give it a try.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis
This makes me think of that episode of Friends where Monica becomes interested in Tom Selleck and he tells her about how all his friends give him the "sympathetic head tilt" while asking how he is after the divorce. And then he responds with something about the "I'm OK head bob."

Heh.

I've taken Zoloft...I can relate. I will warn you...the first 2 weeks are a bit hellish. They almost make you feel MORE depressed. Or I guess numb. You just feel like your best friend, dog and mother could die and you wouldn't care. You feel no happiness or sadness.

But...the bright side is...it will feel better. It's just your body adjusting to the meds. At least that is how it worked for me. After that it feels normal.

I went off not b/c it was a bad drug, but b/c I wanted to blame something on the 10lbs. I gained and b/c I felt like I didn't really need it...my ex made me feel like I was "crazy" and hence why I started taking it.

I think I'm doing OK, but I think about opening that bottle everyday.

Good luck Monica!
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHelloMsKitty
Have ya tried Valium, that little cut out V in the middle of the pill excites me! LOL My old roommate used to have them around, a Valium and a beer, and all the world is right!
Ok so I am not telling you to self-medicate, but ya know, whatever works for you!
I eat when I am depressed! I have another problem, I can't stay depressed, someone or something will bring me out of it. Kinda like getting home last night from my second job and my friend Brad had cleaned my kitchen, b/c he nice! It is the little things!
Want me to come clean your kitchen? :)
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I like the title of this.....the first time I was at a strip club (16 years old) the stripper that gave me my first lap dance asked me how the weather was outside as she slapped he titties in my face. I guess she knew I was nervous.

But I just want to put it out there that I'm not a fan of drugs. I thought about taking pills to take care of certain mental feelings but decided not too. And I'm glad I didn't because of the strong history of addiction that runs in my family I would have been totally fucked up.

But I do drink alot of whiskey.So I don't know what that means.

But these are my thoughts. And it worked for me. Monica do whatever is going to help you the most.Your cool. And i'll be seeing you on the 9th!
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
speaking of this post being like the bad hangover, be careful drinking on your meds. i had way too many black out episodes while on antidepressants. it'll definitely affect your alcohol tolerance.

August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterrosie
So you advice Whiskey and not doctor prescribed medication. With the strong history of addiction in your family that is a better choice?

Monica, ignore any sort of weirdness anyone gives for taking depression medication. It's no different then taking Tylenol for a headache, insulin for diabetes. If it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work, but at this point, there is no reason to feel as bad as you seem to so it doesn't hurt to try.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJerryDule
Hi Monica,
I love your blog...Do what is best for you. Every person has a different reaction to medications, some work some make it worse. I have been going through a similar bout with depression and finally decided that I would try Zoloft even though it scared the sh*t out of me. I have been on it for about a month and it has helped me get back on my feet. My friends and my family all noticed a difference. I don't feel numb, just less anxious and overwhelmed. Thanks for sharing your experience, I hope things start to get better for you, and that even if Zoloft isn't the right thing for you, that it leads you to a place where you can get the right tools to help.
E.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterE.
I was kinda trying to be funny the fact that I drink whiskey alot. HaHa. <crickets>

And i don't choose to drink over taking medicine to make me feel better. I just drink. If I'm feeling shitty I realize that I shouldn't drink so I don't.

And I want to point out that I think if anyone thinks taking a drug will help them that is totally cool. I just choose not too. As long as they are healthy and happy. Especially Monica she is a very cool, sweet person.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Being married to a touring rockstar probably doesn't do much good to one's mental health. Take care.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHamad Al-Khalifa
"So you advice Whiskey and not doctor prescribed medication."

YES!
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Brian, I get your sense of humor. But I think alot of people who read the blog are new so don't get it. The internet can be tough that way. Don't sweat it.

Monica, this is going to be interesting. I'll be interested to hear your reaction to the zoloft on a day by day basis. Perhaps dozens of people who read the blog, are depressed but don't want to take medication will see first-hand that it's not so bad. That or you'll tell us it doesn't work for you. Either way it makes for good blogging. Best of luck!
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Hamad: Not sure I get you, there.

You can be married to someone who never leaves the house, and be miserable. (This is NOT autobigraphical.)

Being married, as Monica's described herein, is one of her greatest assets in taking on the world... or living day to day in Brooklyn.

Aww sh*t Monica, there's just a bunch of us whose hands are outstretched your way. We get to see you through this one-way looking glass, and tho it's probably harder for you to see us, we're here.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
I am so glad you are taking care of this now. I waited until I was in my 40's to start antidepressants. I medicated myself heavily with alcohol in my 20's and 30's and almost destroyed my marriage. You will feel better and don't be surprised when you don't HAVE to drink wine to feel okay. I have been sober since I went on effexor.
Just remember, your doc may have to play with your meds and dosage some. Also, it may take awhile for the med to kick in. Give it time.
Good luck to you.
I enjoy your blog so much. Thanks for being honest and blogging about REAL life.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkaren h
What Wry Bri said. Oh, and to repeat myself, no small talk here.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
I'm a new reader, but have had my share of experience with depression. I know exactly what you're going through and I happen to be going through something similar myself. I am so impressed with your ability to write about depression...the closest I get on my blog is funny pictures and sarcastic content. I'm afraid to tell the world what I'm really going through right now because it scares the shit out me. Thank you for your honesty. There is a major stigma in our society surrounding medicating depression. While that may be warranted in some cases, it upsets me to hear people tell you (or me, or whoever) not to take an anti-depressant. Who are they to tell anyone to remain depressed? I've been holding out myself and just started medication this week. I realized that if I kept up my current rate of sadness I may NEVER get out of bed again...and that's no way to live.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPants
Monica,
You are so incredibly brave. Most people don't even allow themselves to admit to having such feelings. I am certain that your honesty will help someone out there.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAllison
I wil pick u up a plaztic boddle with my mouth on are next wawlk an that wil make you happy i luv yu.

m
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMax
Nothin' like some lovin' from your doggie!
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
Kinda gives new meaning to doggie-style lovin'.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
I think since you are also in the middle of it all, you feel self conscious about it maybe? Because I know as a reader, I at least don't think any differently about you nor do I find you to seem self indulgent based on your disclosure about feeling depressed.

Besides blogs are the place to post your worries, yor venting etc. They're supposed to be self indulgent in that sense! Nearly my whole personal blog is about my being sick and hating it but I don't consider it self indulgent, it's just where I vent about what worries me, that's all. Plus, a symptom of depression is wallowing in it, you're right, that's just part of it, and it's perfectly natural. Just like when you are hurt or sick, you obviously might focus on that more on that time--totally normal in my opinion.

Had you written a lighthearted post about something else today, I wouldn't have found it odd or awkward.. In other words, I am just trying to say that stigma may not be as prevalent or as bad as you think, some of it may be coming from you, your worry that the rest of the world feels a certain way about depression or medication. I know a lot of people who've been on anti-depressants or who know someone who has--it is so common and not anything to be ashamed of, no more so than needing medicine for high blood pressure or anything else. anyway, hope the zoloft works out, wishing you the best.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermm
hmmm. i'm no doctor but i don't think prozac and zoloft are comparable. they're very different chemically. the newer anti-d's like zoloft, wellbutrin, etc are supposed to be much better, don't give you that numb feeling.

i fought it for a long, long time. i wish i didn't wait so long to take something. there is no point when you can feel SOOOO much better.

it took the full 8 weeks for me to feel dramatically better but it started a little bit the first week.

i'm off lexapro now cause we are trying to get pregnant. i will be going back on it the second i give birth....especially now that i now i can feel like a normal person.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
I know exactly what you need.... A little tender loving care from MIL #2...

My father was on Prozac for exactly 3 months prior to him shooting himself in the head in the family home almost in front of his two "dear daughters" that are my sisters.

I cannot stand my two sisters..they are nothing like me and I am the oldest of 4 kids. My brother went to God from diabetes a few year back, he was kid #2.

My husband, your father in law, was put on Prozac a few years back and I hit the ceiling in protest. It goes one of two ways. It either works for you or you get more depressed to the point of suicide. Anyone that doubts this fact should go to the archived reports from "60 Minutes" that were aired, unfortunately, too late for it to help my father.

You are not alone.. Millions of these prescriptions are filled every year whether it be for Prozac, Zoloft or any of the muriad of anti depressant drugs.

There is absolutely no shame in taking these drugs and you have to know this. They correct a chemical imbalance in your system. It is a medicine, no different than insulin for diabetics, or phenobarbetol for what ever that cures. The dosage may have to be fucked around with for awhile, but eventually the magic number will be achieved.

I love you so much the way you are, what am I gonna find when you are changed??

BTW, when do I get my visit??

Love you,
MIL#2

You are a worthy daughter in law, and I am proud to have you as a member of our family.
August 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMerrySerge
More often than not I've realized that my depression is brought on by not being 100% CLEAR about why I am sad or sometimes even despondent. I have often felt embarrased to deal with, or unable to get at, what the root cause of my sadness was. Sometimes I was just too lazy and not really not wanting to do the difficult/necessary things to feel better. What are YOUR needs? Attempt to get them met. Otherwise your life will become someone else's life or it will merge into your husbands life; like rain in a pond. Just my 2 cents...Best wishes in whatever course you choose.
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSneezy
California is overcast .. sun is begining to pop through .. which is nice being Friday and everything. I take Ativant, an anti anxiety DRUG. I like it. I am a freaky social anxiety person, so this makes all the difference. Also helps on those super stress days at the military base on which I am so happily employed. Shazam and I hope you start feeling better right away.

no worries ..
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterwendy
I'm currently on a prozac therapy. i've been into for 5 years so far. I'm still depressed. -____-
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdandyna
I like this blog, but need to say something.
A rockstar may not be a right person for a young, innocnt woman to get involved by. In my culture we frown upon the free love, but when the man does a lot of 'tuti fruti' it it is kind of ok. So i am not judging this man. But it might be the reason for the depression who knows?
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHamad A. Khalifa
I've had to deal with the cards that my own chemicals have given me (well, the chemicals my parents gave me) and at times, depression was the winning hand. I've taken Zoloft for two different episodes. The second time made me feel like I was watching myself from high above. I also felt like my head was a balloon that I was holding between my finger and thumb. The first time was great and really helped. The difference? The first time I worked out a little (sorry, those endorphins, I know) and had time in my day to do a little of what I wanted to do. The second? Well, the second time I was going to school full time and working full time and had no time to do anything else or go anywhere else. Best of luck to you. And if you get the balloon head feeling, don't let go. Take care of yourself.
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterElizabethR
My husband and I went into marriage counceling a few years ago. He was not being a very nice person at the time, not abusive at all, but very selfish etc. The first session, the therapist looked at him and said that she thought he was boarder-line depressed. What a relief that was for us both to hear that.. He did his research, (he's in the medical field) talked to his doc and was put on Prozac the next week. Thank god! He is like a new person. I can't explain. He stayed on Prozac for a couple of years, and is now on 1/2 of Zoloft. Still working.
Monica, I hope you make the right decision for you. Try it and see what happens. Keep writing.
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdeborah
Thanks for all the emails, comments etc... I've been reading them, along with The Surge, my friends & family and it has sparked debate among us as well. I'm feeling the love and don't feel so damn lonely and all up in my head.. Rather, I'm still up in my head but it's nice to know a good percent of you all are as well.

I ended up having a good time at the dinner party in spite of myself. Or more likely, because everyone brought wine. Yes, I know, alcohol and Zoloft don't mix... but I didn't start the Zoloft until the next day.

Dinner party pics can be found here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/monicabielanko/sets/72157594247544711/
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I didn't realize Serge had been doing a lot of the "Tutti Frutti" lately. Which begs the question: Will the next Marah album be all Little Richard covers?

Dave B: (sings) I got a gal, named Daisy,
She almost drives me crazy ........

[A pompadoured black man in the crowd stands up and begins to shout]

Little Richard: SHUT UP Dave Bielanko! Little Richard invented rock and roll. WOOO! Little Richard is 'The Last Rock and Roll band'! Little Richard wore Chinese army jackets before the Chinese army did! WOOO!

[At which point Kirk steps aside from the key board and LR jumps right on stage and counts down the band. At which point the single greatest moment in rock and roll history has occurred and no one except Marah (and Little Richard) is ever allowed to play on stage again.]

But yeah...pretty blonde american girls should watch out for the rock-and/or-rollstars...yeah...apparently Haman can help you out of that situation.
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
This is one of the best things I have ever read...and it helped me alot when I was going through depression. It's by a professor at John's Hopkins who struggled with manic depression:

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated... I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."

-- Kay Redfield Jamison
August 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterC Marie
I just want to add: Monica, if I have a chance to meet you somewhere, sometime on the street I will ask you to have a coffee at the closest pub for sure:)
you're strong woman so you will win this battle...I'm glad you're okey!
August 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
I think most important thing ist: don't see your depression as a bad thing, as an enemy. Take it as a chance, it's only a sign for you start working on things that made you sad. See the signs, change your life a bit. Medication will do you good at the start (what will maybe last for six weeks … ;-) ) and later on but they're just a kind of helping hand to give you the power for your clear look to those kind of things which are going wrong in your life at the moment (and those who did in the past).

Just be more carefull to yourself, take all your breath and time you need for a recover – and never, never stop taking the pills from one day to the other.

Good luck!
August 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersamte
I completely understand what you are going through. I am on my 4th anti-depressant in 10 years. It does get easier though when you realize that your depression will only make you stronger and wiser in the end. Just remember that you are not crazy. Depression is a medical condition much like diabetes.
I will return here often to see how you are feeling. Just hang in there for now. It takes at least six weeks for the Zoloft to kick in. It seems like a long time but it's worth the wait. I will be thinking of you.
August 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChelle

Delurking almost 7 years later to say I ADORE Max's comment... such a sweet dog who loves his mom. :) I'm reading your blog through from the beginning and am looking forward to seeing how Zoloft works for you. A good friend of mine, that Vitamin Z...

March 9, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLate to the party

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