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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Aug012006

Zits, Porn and Orange Hair

"Come on you fucker!" No, this was not The Surge and I engaged in marital relations, although come to think of it - the sentence is familiar... This was me shouting at the zit I was trying to pop while scowling into the mirror.

In unrelated news, yesterday whilst I was searching for a photo of Tara Reid cheerily smiling as her knocker leapt from her dress and waved vigorously at a gleeful, photo snapping press line (for, like hours) I stumbled onto some porn. Oh, stop - like you haven't googled "naked breasts" too. Please.

Anyway - I abandoned searching for Tara's boob (it was part of an email joke for a friend, I swear) and got to looking at the aforementioned porn.. It all started innocently enough. I landed on one of those naked celebrities sites. You know the kind that feature stills of actresses in nude scenes from "serious" movies so the rest of us can ogle without having to embarrassingly press the pause button during the actual movie to get a better look at Halle Berry's rack in Swordfish. Of course, these stills are from thoughtfully dramatic movies featuring earnest actors dedicated to their "craft - so the naked boobies are for art. They aren't gratuitous! Using this obviously flawless reasoning I immediately clicked to see naked Demi Moore, Drew Barrymore and so forth.

Two hours, Carment Electra and Angelina Jolie later a link popped up and before I knew it I was agog at couples (and groups! and animals! and reptiles, oh my!) contorted into positions the likes of which I didn't even know existed. The animals! Oh the innocent animals! But let us not talk of that. Maybe it's okay - it seemed like the 100 pound Doberman dressed in a tux was into it. After all, He DID get a peanut butter snack.

I haven't really looked at internet porn since I was young and thought all sex looked like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in the famous beach scene in From Here To Eternity.

Aside: Sex on the beach. Not so much. Sand in the crack. Dirt in the mouth, ears, hair. S'like sex in the bathtub. Pret-ty awkward.

Until that first pornographic encounter I had no idea sex with normal folks was so.. well, so disturbing. And ugly. All the jiggling and shaking and the cellulite, my God the cellulite! Discovering the truth about sex (thank you HBO and your Real Sex featuring Grandma and her adventures at the swingers convention) cured me of all pornographic endeavors. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy an episode of Girls Gone Wild as much as the next person.. but viewing a full-on porn romp starring girls with breasts bigger than my head and pockmark-crater-assed guys sporting mustaches and snarling Elvis lips during orgasm - please.. I'd rather watch Tara Reid's boob pop outta that dress for three hours straight.

So there's that. Porn. And, in news kind of related to the zit I was attempting to pop, news I am more embarrassed to share than the fact I spent the better part of a weekday afternoon viewing porn... I haven't washed my hair in more than a week. Thing is, IT'S ORANGE! Screaming, crying ORANGE! Tantrum throwing, sobbing orange. Nobody cares whether it's clean. They're too busy soothing burnt retinas after the angry color has scorched their eyeballs. A color reminiscent of the Orange Fanta Slurpee throw up I once drunkenly spackled a gutter with. My fault. I was asking for it... drank it WAY faster than is generally advisable what with the very real and painful possibility of brain freeze and all.

But wait, there's more! In addition to the violent shade of orange flaming atop my noggin I've got about an inch of dark roots. Yesterday, when I was shaving the hair off my big toe in the shower it occurred to me; I am a walking Halloween decoration. Or Tony the Tiger. It's G--R-R-R-R-REAT!

Reader Comments (18)

First of all let me tell you how happy I am that I am not the only one who gets hair on my big toe! I have a few strands on the top of my foot as well! It doesn't go well with my french-manicured toenails!
Next, you gotta see Boys Gone Wild! My friend Brad brought it over, I laughed so hard I was crying! You thought women were bad, men are worse! They will do anything for a peak at some boobage! Funny enough, most of them had a Boston accent! LOL
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Sometimes I feel like you can see me or something...First the chin hair and now the big toe hair. Freaky.

Oh, and last night I got a good one (zit). Shit shot of that sucker to the top of the damn mirror. I felt like a supa-star.
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
dude, I always liked Tony the Tiger. Heard awhile back that the guy who did the voice died. That was a sad day .
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
"shaving the hair off my big toe in the shower", "breasts bigger than my head"
ha ha ha ha You are VERY entertaining! As far as your porn viewing goes,well,did you have FUN?? he he
If you wanna find that picture of Tara, I've seen it at: www.awfulplasticsurgery.com
I'll follow in your honesty and admit that I LOVE that site!
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGoldielox
Laughing so hard. From abortion to orange hair. Your range is amazing.

Are you going to be at Stephanie Klein's book reading tonight in Manhattan?
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I love that you're honest enough with all these strangers on the web that you can admit to that...the hair on the toe. :laughs: I have it too and I HATE it - I swear, it's something so "taboo" that we just don't talk about it. We talk about what kind of bikini wax we get or don't get but hair on the toe? For shame! I'll be back to read more!
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTarah
I will be at Stephanie's book signing. If you see me, come say hello!
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I've spent most of the afternoon reading you, and you are a great find! I'm a Mormon from Sandy, now living in Miami.
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy
Snap, crackle, POP!
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe
Monica - Forget Stephanie Klein. When is YOUR book signing? That I won't miss.
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChicagoDave
Tony the Porn Star's "Frosted" Flakes... bring out the porn star in you!

Entertaining entry...
August 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlex
Zits and big toe hair. Yes. This all applies. Even though I have yet to type "naked breasts" into google I relate to you girl! Your hair does not look THAT bad. The London photos are beautiful!
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
I already posted about orange hair and my expiriences with it... my advise: coulour it over again, but leave it in for 5 minutes more then necessary. It does work! Hair gets orange after a blond coloring session because you didn't leave the stuff in long enough. Ask a person who was good in chemistry about it, but before haircolor turns into blond it turns red/orange.Take a "light blond" color and try again! It works!!! And... it can't get worse, can it? ;-)
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMechthild
Oh by the way.. what does "popping a zit" mean? Please, can someone translate for a german girl?
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMechthild
"popping a zit" - it means picking at a spot. You know, spots on your face?
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Ah, thanks! Got it!
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMechthild
I'm glad to see that I'm NOT the only straight woman who enjoys seeing female celebrities nude!

I'm a happily married woman, I would much rather see nude actresses that actors. Plus the female body is much nicer to look at in general.

I once saw an on-line poll asking women what celebrity they most would like to see totally nude, and the number one answer was not a man, it was Jessica Simpson.

But I'm also a woman who can admit that I do peak at other women in the locker room.
October 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

I'm a teenager and not over wieght but I can't seem to get rid of the cellulite on the back of my legs?
Are there any specific workouts that target that area. I need to know how to get rid of cellulite on thighs explained here.


thanks

September 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGreediaCarm

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