I plod tiredly into the brightly lit "Pharmacia". Relief envelops me like the ice cold air the AC is valiantly pumping throughout the building on this hot day. Relief, not in the cool breeze, but because I have a purpose. If only for the ten minutes I will wander the aisles with a goal. Q-Tips. Soap. And yes, Tylenol PM that I will abuse in the wee hours. I will shuffle down every aisle, enjoying the chilly environs, glad to be doing something. Crossing items off a list makes me feel useful. I have a purpose!
A man gestures for me to go ahead of him and I nearly tear up. I've been doing that lately. Nearly crying over the the kindness of strangers.. because it seems so lacking here. A smile, someone who pets my dog, opens a door. I tear up! I am that messy.
I'm trapped between two worlds. On the one hand I long to be a free spirit.. sponge up every bit of unemployment, visit Coney Island, Central Park, stroll Fifth Avenue and just do my thing, whatever that is. On the other hand I am envious of friends back home in Utah with their steady paychecks, big homes, backyards and cozy little family units. And then I scorn suburbia and the safe life.. Five minutes later I long for it Then detest it. Then long for it, for giant grocery store chains and sport utility vehicles with curves like J-Lo that will transport me to said grocery stores without the usual sweaty subway combat.
I should be on the olympic T.V. Watching team. I would garner a Silver Medal in Wine Drinking. I would be awarded the Gold in Thinking Too Much. I alternately hate myself for feeling low then hate others for being so fucking put together. Or at least pretending to be.
Who are you? Are you happy with your life? Disappointed? Are you where you thought you'd be by now? Do you hate yourself? Do you like yourself? If you met you would you like you? Would you be friends with you? Do you even contemplate that kind of stuff?
I'd be friends with me... but I would annoy the fuck outta me with my social anxieties. I would tell me "don't you know how good you've got it? You stupid bitch! You have a husband who's crazy about you, good friends (that you've been avoiding lately).. What is WRONG with you?
I don't know.