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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Jul252006

I Just Gave Up My Womanhood

It began as a lovely family dogpile atop our marital bed. It ended with me giving up my womanhood in a most violent manner. It sounds melodramatic, but that's exactly what happened. A sound. A horrific noise that tore a hole in the very fabric of my marriage. I was comfortably paging through the latest In Touch mag. The Surge was reading. Max was snoring. And then it happened.

I generally claim not to have ever experienced this particular bodily function. Me, fart? NEVER. I am an exquisitely delicate cupcake of a broad. Sure I swear like a trucker.. But farting? It's simply not in my repertoire. Or so I've claimed. Until now.

I thought it would be silent. And not deadly. I thought it would enter the universe as gently as a butterfly emerges from a cocoon and silently flutter away. It didn't. Max startled from slumber and gallumped to his feet, enormous dog noggin swaying this way and that as if to say What the fuck was that? Are we under attack??

I chanced a look at my husband, afraid of what I might see looking back at me. He was staring in shock. Not so much because I was revealed to have bodily functions like the rest of the free world. That didn't bother him. It's because I have a very vocal dislike of farts that manifests itself every single time he unleashes his inner air on our household.

I have an extreme aversion to the farts of others. I can follow the stinky trail all the way back to my childhood when my older brother would regularly administer thrashings followed by his coup de grace - sitting on my head and farting.

We'd be watching television, me on one couch, my brother on the other. In the blink of an eye and at no provocation from me he would leap onto my couch, push my head to his crotch and let loose. AND HOLD MY HEAD THERE! How I loathed him and subsequently anyone I dated who seemingly farted on purpose. It's not that I'm a fart prude. Because they were used as a weapon in my youth, I don't take farts passively. They aren't just an involuntary bodily function. They are a very deliberate attack! An affront to my senses.

With The Surge, it's turned into a joke.. if I'm at one end of the house and he quietly releases on the other end I'll shout jokingly (with as deadly serious an undercurrent as the fart he just let fly) I heard that!. It's funny. Kind of. Eventually he told me to lay off the fart monitoring, it was a tad obsessive. When he inquired about my own farting history I'd reply demurely "a woman never farts" and she certainly never farts and tells.

So in that endless moment last night, after I dropped the bomb, before I looked my husband in the eye.. all of those fart monitoring incidents flashed before my eyes in a parade of shame.

The Surge? Didn't bat an eye. In response to the fart hyprocrisy I had loudly revealed, he accordianed his lips as if trying to repress laughter, languidly turned a page in his book and drawled, "Congratulations. You just gave up your womanhood in as violent a manner possible."

Reader Comments (34)

Niiiice Faaaart. I like to laugh in the morning.

Thanks.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
We fluff! :)
Have you seen that reality show about Adrienne Curry and Christopher Knight? She fart on him all the time, and she belches ALL THE TIME! He still loves her! But what 55 year old man wouldn't want a 23 year old model! LOL
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
You know, I had a conversation with my attorney recently (we've got a very good relationship). He told me, "I'm 32 years old. I have three kids and one on the way. I have a doctorate degree, my own law practice, and I regularly advise my clients on million-dollar transactions. And yet, I still find farts funny."

Men tend to be very proud of their farts. My brother and I will call each other just to fart over the phone at one another. Sadly, women tend to not be proud of their farts. It is a rare woman indeed who can revel in the acrid anal emissions.

I say, let 'er rip and be proud, and anyone who is offended be damned!
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUtahSpanky
I like the old Dutch oven.....When you fart under the covers and you put the sheets over the yourself and the person next to you. If your lucky they'll throw up!
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Two things:

1) My brother used to do the same thing

2) I once farted during my 9th grade Spanish final. The room was deadly quiet and I had to use that moment to let one rip. It was one of the most embarrassing things ever.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
There are three kinds of girls. The Adrianne Curry girl who farts like a boy, the kind of girl who farts but doesn't really make a big deal about it, and the kind like you who hate farts. I hate farts too. Not too fond of burping either. It's just gross and rude.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Although I do like Adrianne Curry. She's great.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
The morning exhaust has become a point of bonding with my daughter...if I happen to be in her room in the morning and the mustard must be cut, I do so...then, we look at eachother for a moment, and she bursts out laughing and says "Farty Daddy!"

To Brian's point, I prefer the "stealthy" Dutch Oven...before the wife hops into bed, let a few SBDs go and give them a chance to ripen. When she pulls back the covers to hop into bed...magic time!

Heh heh. Farts *are* funny!
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
I'm proud of you. This is a big step...
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNCTRNL
Two things I don't understand about men. What IS it about boobs? And why are farts funny? I'll never get it.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
This is hilarious. I am a bit of a fart prude, until I had a farty boyfriend who broke me of my disdainfulness. Life for you can never be the same again.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteremily
Gemma, let me help you:

Boobs are awesome because they are boobs.
Farts are funny because they are farts.

There is really nothing more to it. A deeper reason would be un-manlike.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
Er - thanks for clearing that up. I think.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I have it on my list of things that define a comfortable and therefore potentially long-lasting relationship: the ability to fart freely in front of one another. But having the same fart-neuroses as you, I suspect I'll be single for the rest of my life.
This one is classic, Monica--CLASSIC.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnn
Glad to help.

Good rule of thumb in these situations: if you've thought about it for more than 2 seconds, that's 1.5 seconds more thought than the guy has put into it.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
"I'm 32 years old. I have three kids and one on the way. I have a doctorate degree, my own law practice, and I regularly advise my clients on million-dollar transactions. And yet, I still find farts funny."

That is too funny. Too true. Farts ARE funny.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
Oh, Monica...I'm so glad I don't have brothers!

You always know when my one dog farts because he suddenly runs across the room, then chases his tail in a circle like he doesn't know what the hell just came out of his ass. It's hysterical to watch.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
I dated a guy in college for about 2 years and in the beginning avoiding farting in front of him like the plague. But after things got comfortable, I settled in and would occasionally just let them rip (discretely, mind you). One day we were lounging around in bed and I felt a big one coming on. In an attempt to bring some humor into the situation, I turned to him and said “Did you know I can fart on command?” I thought he would totally be hip to my scam and realize that I was only saying this because I had to fart at that moment, so when he challenged me to do it, I could let ‘er rip. Instead of looking at me knowingly, he got this look of challenging disbelief and replied “No way! No one can do that!” To which I slyly replied “I can”, with what I thought was obvious sarcasm in my voice and demeanor. He still didn’t get the ‘joke’ and proceeded to provide me with one of the best set ups of all time. He looked at me, serious as a heart attack, and challenged me: “Fine, prove it! Fart in my face!” I was amazed that my ruse had gone so far (and that I had been able to hold my fart in for this entire time). Knowing it would just be too low to actually take advantage of his naiveté, I began laughing and told him that I wouldn’t fart in his face. But he wouldn’t give up. He kept egging me on and saying “Go ahead, fart in my face! Prove it, fart in my face!” And then he did the unthinkable and put his head right into my ass, while begging me to ‘prove myself and fart in his face.’ At this juncture, it was just too sweet to resist, so I ripped one right in his face. He immediately began flailing and screaming, “I can’t believe you just farted in my face! You just FARTED IN MY FACE!!!” I was in absolute hysterics and from that point forward, I have never had any qualms about farting in front of a partner. I also think that to this day, he still believes I can fart on command.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLucia Dreamer
I am so unwaveringly PROUD of you!

I never inflicted too much pain on my three sisters or brother. We did have the "Whoever smelt it dealt it." rule, however.

[Oh, and du_dragons: Well said.]
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Aimee: Did you see the Playboy with Adrienne Curry in it? YOUZA SMOKIN HOT!! Yea I had to go buy it, the blurred it so many times on those reality shows she was on, had to see the real thing!!!
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
jay-sus! I don't know which is funnier .. the post itself, or the comments. I was laughing ENTIRELY too loud at the story about farting on command!
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterwendy
Monica...welcome to the female fart party...

There are ads around our city right now that say, 'the average person farts 14 times a day' and it shows a woman with her skirt flying up a la Marilyn Monroe. I think that the 14 times a day thing is propaganda.

My husband's farts are so disgusting that they wake me up in the middle of the night because I can TASTE them....GROSS...
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
You can taste them? Oh my god. I thought my husband was the champion farter. What is it with men and farting when they're asleep. I swear, sometimes my husband's are so loud they wake HIM up. It's awful. Monica, this post was just too funny. I made my husband read and he laughed his ass off.
July 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
The average person farts 14 times a day? I must fart 100 times a day!
It is really insane, and one might want to blame it on my vegetarian
all-cruciferous vegetable and bean diet (not really, but close) but
my mom claims I was born farting a lot. And I can't stop it. I can
cross my legs and eyes and squeeze but sometimes it still is
unstoppable. I can't count the hundreds of embarrassing incidents
this has caused. I beg for sympathy!
July 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSuebob
Lord, Monica, that was brilliant. I have to say though, you haven't been farted on until your own mother farts in your face.

What can I say? I've had some interesting moments.
July 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
Oh my . . . I've never farted in public! hehehe! Thanks for the laughs and for sharing this with the Carnival of Family Life!
August 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKailani
That is the funniest thing I have read all day. Thank you.
August 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMommy the Maid
Hey! Fellow LDS blogger, found you by chance at Kailani's. Great entry. Love, Love, Love the "Dutch Oven" comment. HA! I gave up my womanhood on our honeymoon, I farted like a drunk trucker in my sleep. It almost heaved him from the bed. I really do try to be ladylike about it, because I am a "fart Nazi", but when I need to, I at least send up a flare if it isn't butterflies and poseys. Unless it's in the car, then I blame the kid's dad and they believe me.
August 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSurrenderDorothy
I am SO glad I found this page! I was on the phone with my b/f today (long distance relationship), discussing the sensitive details of my upcoming move to the city where he lives, when I farted REALLY loudly! I'm sure he heard me, because there was a pause in the conversation. I've been mortified for about half a day, and the other half of the day I spent breaking out in spontaneous nervous laughter. I finally googled "farting over the phone," and am feeling much better after reading this page. I am beginning to hope that we both can put this behind us. Eventually.
September 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMoumou
Ha! That cracks me up... Glad you found me too!
September 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Listen, I am 100% woman and I fart better then most men. Never ashamed and always claim my farts as if I am proud as one seeps through my lovely ass. The only time I blame someone else and usually get away with it, is when it smells really bad. The stinky ones are not mine and always belong to the other guy. :) The end!
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFartolic

My wife's farts are so disgusting that they wake me up in the middle of the night because I can taste them...
Regards:
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November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJosh Evans

Nice blog.

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