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Thursday
Jun082006

What Do You Do? Oh, I'm "Between Jobs"...

Dear Mr. or Ms.

I am emailing you regarding the writer/producer (job #5345) employment opportunity as advertised on the internet. I have worked as a writer/producer in the news industry for the past nine years. I began my career in journalism at the ABC affiliate in Salt Lake City as a Chyron operator. I worked my way up the news station food chain.. from Chyron to Assignment Desk to Associate Producer and finally, Producer.

I moved from ABC to FOX in Salt Lake City and spent five years producing FOX 13 News at Nine at KSTU. In 2005 I moved to New York City where I've spent the past year freelance writing and producing at WXXX in Manhattan.

Most recently I have been smoking vast quantities of "Mary Jane" and watching daytime television..well, and prime time and late night television too. WXXX said it wasn't personal but on the day I was "let go" I noticed my weed stash was no longer in the secret spot in my desk and my bottle of Jagermeister was also missing. This strange turn of events at work was particularly fishy considering my Gay Ambassador Marco, who I would normally immediately suspect of the theft, was on vacation at the time. Similarly, all the porn sites from my "favorites" list had been deleted. For these reasons and more, I suspect my employment termination was, in fact, personal.

SPECIAL SKILLS:
I excel at breaking news, specifically; searching the wires (lie! I am blogging on your dime) for the very latest and writing up-to-date (made-up) news stories. I keep abreast (I said breast!) of current events, including pics of Brangelina's baby, Britney's crumbling marriage to K-Fed and whomever Nick Lachey is dating. That's not all! My special skills also include secret blow jobs in the copy room (20 cents!) my ability to surf the net for hours without stopping, gossiping about co-workers, stealing office supplies (including tampons!) consuming a considerable amount of Jagermeister at office functions and not throwing up until I get home! Impressive, I know. It takes practice. Well, there was that one time time in the gutter in front of that strange bar in New Jersey and okay, yeah, the Christmas Party 2004 "incident" where I filled the cupholders in my car with sick. Either way it makes for one helluva office dynamic!

I look forward to your timely response

Sincerely,


Monica Bielanko

EDUCATION: Majored in Broadcast Journalism at the University of Utah (read: Never Graduated!)

REFERENCES:
The Surge
News Manager
(212) 555-4321

SickSadWorld
News Director
(212) 555-9876

Reader Comments (12)

Priceless! I'm just getting into the media work world (scored an internship with Canadian Idol) but the limited jobs in the business is freaking me out!
Hope something comes up for you soon!
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
Oh, I love it. It's times like these when you feel like you're bsing your life away you start to wonder how many other people are doing the same thing. Does anyone really have it together? I have gone into almost every job interview just winging it, hoping they would buy the shit I was selling. I think employers call that "potential". Also, I have "transferable skills", which really means I want a job I've never done before.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
your boundless energy and enthusiasm can only mean one thing--you're hired! now go find your boss some weed...
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterthe boss
Dear Ms. Bielanko:

Have job.
Bring loofa.

Bil O'Reilly
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Monica....
Thanks so much for your resume. Although the position of Producer for our upcoming film "Three Cocks, a Donkey, and a Whore" has been filled I will hold onto your application for future products. Please feel free to pitch any ideas you may have. We are are in desperate need of fluffers if you would be interested or have any friends who may be.

Thanks
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Ms. Bielanko:

I have no job to offer you, unfortunately, but your $.20 secret blow job price is probably selling yourself short.

Up the price, increase volume, advertise, and take a closer look at MLM marketing.

It can also become a very lucrative work-at-home job for you, especially if your travelling musician husband is away.

Regards:
Mr. Joe
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMr. Joe
Ms. Bielanko,

Thank you for your letter of interest in News Producer. At this time the job has already been filled. However, I do have a job opening for a Jagermeister taster that I believe would suit you very well. Unfortunately, the pay isn't very much for this position, it may cause you to dance and may even cause you to become ill at times. For the most part the benefits are not so bad.

If you're interested in this position then we can set up an interview at a bar of your choice and preferably after 8 pm.

Sincerely,

Mr. Al Coholic
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Dear Sir or Madam:
To Whom It May Concern:
Hey! I’m talking to you:

I understand you are considering Ms. Bielanko for a position at your station. I worked with Monica for many, many… uh… months. I highly recommend her for a job so long as it doesn’t require any work what-so-ever.

If you chose to hire Monica, I suggest locking her in a sound-proof room. Provide her with a computer that has high-speed internet access, perfect for blogging, and guaranteed to keep her busy for hours while she wastes your money. You’ll find she’s extremely productive as long as you don’t require her to do anything. It would also be wise to provide her with a daily bag of Doritos. As a safety precaution, never make eye contact.

I would caution you though, on scheduling. Monica works best during the hours… uh, did I say hours? Monica does not like to work before 11a.m. or after 1p.m. This interferes with her web surfing, nap time, emotional outbursts, viewing of her “stories”, and of course the expansion of her existential self (re: letting one burn). If you’re lucky, you may be able to squeeze a few minutes of work out of her during the last segment of “The View.”

Monica has a terrific personality. In fact, she has several. Some are rather, well—let’s call them “dynamic.” The best part is, from minute to minute, you never know which one you’re going to get. Oh, and she likes hats. Funky ones.

Once again, I urge you to strongly consider Ms. Bielanko.
You could do far, far worse.


Sincerely...
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdave
Hi Sweetie,

Now you see why it didn't work out with us folks here at, uh, XXXX-TV.

The white-gloved boss, you know, the one with the big-ears and squeeky voice, just can't stand drug use in the studio, though he has finally come around to letting "castmembers" have facial hair.

I wonder, did it say "castmember" on Peter Jenning's check?

Anyway, I hope you and your personalities can find a way to pick yourselves up off the floor - and stop listening to the neighbors bonking - and get another job. NY1 is always there.

Meanwhile, great piece on Serge and the band in the Asbury Park Press today. They're going to rock the Stone Pony.

Anyway, looks like the line at SPace Mountain is clearing up so I've got to go.

Love,

Kenny
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKenny P
Yes, but how fast can you type?
June 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitywendy
This line of commenting is getting interesting...
June 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
See. This is exactly why I lock my drawers and booby trap my computer before going on holiday.
June 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBuffy

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