Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Thursday
Jun082006

More Of The Same

So. I am trying to force myself through the weirdness I'm feeling and keep typing in this here bloggy blog. When life begins to claw at me like a rabid dog I tend to do a little thing The Surge and I have dubbed The TurnAway. Trying. Not. To. TurnAWay. It's... Hard... Work. Turning away is in my DNA...Mom and brother fighting? Why, just TurnAway, read a book. Brother beating me up? TurnAway time! Fight with The Surge? Excellent TurnAway opportunity.

This blog is a weird little animal. It connects me to every single person in my personal life, as well as quite a few acquaintances, ex-boyfriends and many, many strangers. If I choose to share something personal (my sex life, rollercoaster marriage, unemployment, depression, strange vagina lips) my mom, my closest friends and even both mothers-in-law know about it within a few hours. Think about that for a minute. That can be cool. That can be strange.

When I'm depressed I tend to go inside myself, hide from folks a la TurnAway. Who wants to be the drag of the group? Or who wants to pretend they're feeling perky? So I feel paralyzed when it comes to blogging lately. Because I feel like shit. And I'll write about that. So when my friends read this blog they will know I'm depressed. Which means, if we all meet up later and I try to act perky, they'll know I'm faking. How can I hide my sorry state? Well, I can write kicky blog entries, fake my good mood online.. that way nobody will be the wiser when we meet for drinks tonight to tell Evil Peter goodbye. See the dilemma of having a blog? I know, I know.. I ain't the first person in the world to be depressed. I also know how boring it is to read about. Just waitin' for it to go away, y'know?

On a side note that you may or may not find boring.. I was asked to be in a new book that will soon be available on Amazon... Click here for more info on The Very Best Weblog Writing Ever.

Reader Comments (17)

Well fuck a duck, you're getting published.

I have decidedly changed my stance on depression and now enjoy a little gloomy funk. So live in the turnaway, think about 16 yr. old boys fucking their grandmothers, but most importantly, enjoy this Batman and Robin video:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5755194055153959527&q=shark
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBored linguist
The great thing about friends is that they don't care when you are depressed and out at the bar!! Real friends will let you sit and wallow in your depression without asking for perky, polite bullshit. And they will also let you take your smoke breaks whenever you want!! ;)~

Hey, Congrats!! Looks like there's a party to be planned.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAME
"and keep typing in this here bloggy blog."

Monica, didn't you mean to say "bloggity blog blog"? what the fuck. what planet am i on? GET IT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jesus.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
*flips table over*
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
I was just about to write you and tell you that if I had more than $10 to my name, I would order that book.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
That's one HELL of a sidenote! Way to go!

'Cause "best" doesn't really count unless it's followed by "ever." Way to go!
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
.... and "way to go" doesn't count if you say it twice... My bad.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Having a blog can be really weird, indeed.
Thank you for sharing yourself.
And THANK YOU for being part of the book -- we're so thrilled to have you included.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitywendy
Wow. That's awesome! That must cheer you up a bit. Imagine all the blogs out there and you've been chosen as one of the very best ever. Congratulations.

Your husband must be such a nice man. I was just imagining how many more readers you'll then have after this book comes out and I felt jealous at having to share you with even more people and I don't even know you. How pathetic is that?!
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
You are officially a published writer! Nice going. This is just the start of many, many nice things in store for you.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
"...if we all meet up later and I try to act perky, they'll know I'm faking. How can I hide my sorry state?"
So true and the very reason why I regret ever giving out my blog to people I know. What's worse is that because they all read my blog EVERY day, most of them have stopped calling me because they all know the up-to-the-minute stuff going on in my life.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbettyonthebeach

Why do you feel like you need to be anything other than what you are? Perky? Not perky? Fuck that!

You, of all people, should just be what you are.

When you are: all of us can relate.

Nobody wants you to be miserable and be a turnaway.

I think there is a HUGE creative blast that will be coming as a result of what's happening to you now.

Just ride it out and feel however the fuck you want.

Congrats on the publishing thing. It's just the beginning!

Use tablet paper if you have to. You don't need the world-wide blogworld to write.

Might do you some good to write outside the "everyone's watching" sphere, anyway? Get back to pleasing only yourself.

You probably deserve it.

OK...I'll leave.

June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe (and futhermore)
I was going to write something here, but Joe said it much better, so just reread his comments, kay?

On the book- YEAH!!!!

I'm in for the computer fund, too.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Congrats Monica on being in that book, the rest of those writers are in good company! I will pick up a copy for sure!

Hey, I am going to be at the Irving Plaza show on the 22nd in NYC. Come down, Drinks are on me and you don't have to be perky...be as bitchy, anti-social and uninterested as you want/need to be!
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
I may have said this before, but I really admire (and envy) your ability to lay things out there for the public -- and more importantly, your family and friends -- to read and interpret as they will. That said, I would imagine it gets really hard sometimes, particularly when you're trying to work your way through things without letting everyone in on every emotion you're feeling. I actually have no helpful advice -- at all -- but wanted to say that I feel for you, and that my fingers are crossed for good things coming your way soon.
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersandra
Take it from one who walks through life pretending - that's fucking hard work. What you're doing - telling those friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, enemies, whomever about the "real" you, that's healthier. And, amazingly admirable. Because, while it may be hard work to go through life pretending, it takes real courage to be you ... the real you ... the good with the bad, the up with the down ... whomever you might be at whatever moment. You've got guts girl. And, you're not boring.
P.S. congrats on the book thing!
June 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

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