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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Thursday
Jun222006

You Might Be White Trash If...

You used duct tape and cardboard to insulate the air conditioner in the very public front window of your apartment.

You wear spandex around your neighborhood when you haven't worked out in many months.

You have unexplained bruises all over your white legs, most likely acquired during drunken exploits you cannot remember.

You yelled at your husband so loudly you worried the neighbors might call police.

You decided against buying a New York Post because you didn't want to "break a dollar".

Ten minutes later you withdrew 20 dollars from the unemployment check you just deposited to buy Star, Us Weekly and In Touch.

You considered buying the Enquirer too.

Decided not to go for a jog because you didn't want to miss your 'stories' on television.

You swept enough dog hair off your apartment to keep J-Lo in fur coats for the next decade.

You found yourself involved in an episode of Judge Judy and was disappointed with her ruling.

You watched The Maury Povitch Show on Who's My Baby's Daddy after that.

You scissored open a tube of toothpaste then scraped your toothbrush inside to get that last bit of toothpaste.

You bought new toiletpaper only after running out of paper towels.

You were upset you missed the Britney Spears interview.

You were doubly pissed when you missed the interview rerun the next day because you were watching a Nick at Nite Roseanne marathon.

You wore a stained wifebeater without a bra for three days in a row with no sense of hipster irony.

You ate a package of Ramen Noodles and thought "this is pretty good".

You sliced carrots into the Ramen Noodles and felt fancy. Almost gourmet.

You didn't wash your hair for a week because it seemed like "too much trouble".

You considered bleaching your hair platinum with a box of Loreal from Duane Reeds

You had to pee and decided the dark parking lot was as good a place as any.

You yelled at your dog to "stop all that goddamn barking or I'll give you something to bark about!"

You got excited when the unemployment check came in the mail.

You knew all the words to Poison's UNSKINNY BOP. And sang along. Nodding your head to the beat. In front of people.

You asked your husband whether he thinks Britney should stay with K-Fed then argued about it for the next ten minutes.

You used a black magic marker to color in a scuff mark on your shoe.

You puked Slurpee in a gas station bathroom because you were sick with a hangover.

You broke your flip-flop then spent ten minutes super gluing it together.

You liked the smell of the super glue and sniffed it. A lot.

I have done or said each of these things within the past week. My name is Monica Bielanko. I am white trash.

Reader Comments (30)

Child, you are a wrrreck.
June 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
PS-- I have to join the White Trash Group as well; I had a huge Slurpee last night, and this morning my tongue was still blue. (and had a terrible coating....)
June 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
Am thinking you are perhaps misdemeanor-level WT.

Let us know when Max is chained to a tie-out and you've begun your exodus from NY to the place where "(your) people come from."

Then we'll talk. Otherwise, you sound like any other Kappa Alpha Theta out of work.
June 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSusanna
Hello. My name is Julie and I am white trash. I have done 5 of the things on the list. I sweep a small mountain of dog hair from my floor everyday. I run out of toilet paper and use paper towels at least every other month (and I buy the triple rolls in the super pack). I called everyone I knew asking if they had T-Vo'd the britney interview. I pee in dark parking lots regularly, when you gotta go, you gotta go. The black marker is great for lots of saves, especially the shoe scuffs.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulie
I am waiting with baited breath to hear Xmastime's response...if you have the awareness to consider you're white trash then you can't be white trash at the same time, not yet anyway...sorry Monica, you are cut from the team.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdc
Sorry, Monica. You can't take credit for the air conditioner. That was a brainchild spawned by your two friends while you were "Living it up" in the city with your dog last year. NOT white trash...Brilliant.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnna
There's a town-wide garage sale in my small Central PA burgh this weekend.

While maneuvering my dogs through the masses this morning I saw several truck-load's of 250-300 pound women, their "boyfriend's," and assorted varieties of children in the flatbed's.

I submit that you are REALLY white trash if:

You weigh 300 pounds and wear a Scorpions "Love At First Sting T-shirt, and there is flesh hanging between the bottom of the shirt and the top of the slacks/shorts.

Substitute that with a Toby Keith World Tour or a Great White, Once Bitten Twice Shy tour shirt.

You weigh 300 pounds, have several front teeth missing, and are shoving a chili dog and fries into your toothless yap at 7:30 A.M., along with the kids in the back of the truck.

Your boyfriend has 4 discarded lawnmowers straddled between the kids on the back of the truck.

Your boyfriend has 2 discarded air conditioners straddled between the lawn mowers and the kids on the back of the truck.

You just smacked your boyfriend because he didn't stop you from stepping in the Amish horseshit- dropping, in your flip-flops.

You come to the door of a hungover, out-of-work neighborhood man, and ask him when he's putting HIS MERCHANDISE out?

You have a Dale Earnhardt tattoo on your arm.

You've got a pinch between your cheek and gum, and you are a 300 pound woman. I swear she did! Either that or it was some kind of lip cancer or mouth infection.

You boast about the great deal you got on those baby clothes, circa 1987, that you bargained from the widow down the street.

You'll be back again on Saturday to do it again.



P.W.D. (Puking while drunk) is so much better than P.W.H.O.

Puking while drunk or hungover doesn't make you white trash, Mon...

However, knowing the difference just makes you a drunk like me!

(Sorry I missed the gig last nite.)
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry.

I've puked while hungover numerous times. So don't feel too bad about that.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
priceless. I checked of five or six items on this list so don't feel too badly.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Oh... Just for the record...if I were in your shoes, or more to the point, your stained wifebeater without a bra... as the saying goes, I'd never leave the house.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Ain't shit wrong with not washing your hair for a week. I rarely wash my hair more than once every other week. But nappy hair care might be a tad different.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
sorry about the above...i've had some trouble posting here today.

Monica, you’re showing some warning signs, but you’re not close to mouth-breather status yet.
You know you’re in trouble if you:
hang on your stoop barefoot in your bib overalls
move to a town with a Dairy Queen
have dirty, half-naked, mullet-haired kids running on your front lawn

June 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
Chrissy said:

> ...move to a town with a Dairy Queen...

Ahem.

There is a Dairy Queen in my town. Two, actually. Along with a Carvel, a homemade hard ice-cream place, and one of those great local "dairies" that's really just a spot to get crazy cheap twist soft-serv with a cherry shell.

It's my firm belief that if one of the various ice-cream shoppes here closes, my property values will go down.

If that's WT, then call me Cletus. Me and Brandine will see you at DQ.
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
Oh, no worries, I have a Dairy Queen as well. I swore I'd never live in a town with a DQ & here I am.
Billy Bob & I will meet you at the DQ...don't forget the Old Milwaukee for the afterparty
June 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
didn't know there was anything wrong with a dairyqueen.....ah oh.........
June 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
There is NOTHING wrong with Dairy Queen, mama!!

Don't believe those naysayers!

I grew up on DQ ice cream and buster bars.

If that makes me white trash...so be it.


.
I was sure Xmastime would come up with some more classics to add to the hilarity. Where did he go?
June 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
That's hilarious.
June 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLeah Vanessa
I had no idea Dairy Queen was white trash - or as we call it here, WT.

How about these?

You have a boat trailer parked on your front yard and you don't own a boat.

You encourage guests to park on your yard.

You check out the neighbor's trash, looking for toys for your kid and actually stop and take things.
June 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Unskinny bop
Blows me away-yeah
Unskinny bop
All night and day-yeeeah
Unskinny bop-bop-bop-bop
She just loves to play-yeah
Unskinny bop nothin' more to say!
June 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
Well yee haw then, love me some DQ soft serve. Headin on down there after I cut the grass. Aint life swell...
June 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
alright, let me clear this up--

frequenting Dairy Queen = not white trashy

towns with Dairy Queens = high mouth-breather quotient
June 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
For the record, I'm comin' at ya from Yuppyville, Chicago and there's a DQ within walking distance of my house. When it opened last year, people would wait in lines 50-deep...

I thought using a black marker to erase scuffs was brilliant. I once used white out to get rid of a mark on my sneakers...Not WT, maybe cheap?
June 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
awesome.

CH
June 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChuebe

Hmm...does this make me white trash?

1. I'm a woman who wears flannel plaid shirts at home with itty-bitty denim shorts. Oh, and halter tops too.

2. I have peed in dark parking lots and in the woods and on the side of the road at night.

3. I like Roseanne, Jeff Foxworthy, Patsy Cline,and Loretta Lynn.

4. I have all my old clothes from 1986 and still fit into them.

5. I love bright red lipstick and nail polish.

6. My husband has a boat in our driveway and our 1986 Crown Victoria is there, too.

7. I've had both feathered hair and a mullet.

8. I'm stuck in the 80's.

9. I love Nascar.

10. I will confess to skinnydipping quite often in the lake at night.

11. I'm from the backwoods of Maine.

12. I lived in a trailer court until I was 16 (when I met my husband).

13. My children (the girls) have names that sound a bit trashy, but not intentionally.

14. I smoke Newports, which is very trashy, not to mention bad for my health. I need to stop...

15. I once went two weeks without washing my hair, but only b/c I had my appendix removed and felt too ill to do anything afterwards.

White trash enough for you?

January 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterValerie

Niiice (Borat voice).. Maybe we should write a book?

January 27, 2007 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

hiya


just registered and put on my todo list


hopefully this is just what im looking for looks like i have a lot to read.

July 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterloorroche

Also, you know you're white trash when you call Duane Reade "Duane Reeds" Just saying... I'm just sore because I resemble a lot of these traits

January 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

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