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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Monday
Jun122006

Say No To Crack



"So this new moon rising isn't about freedom at all, it's just another sign that the sun is setting on women's power" - Shannon Rupp



When I was but a pre-teen with mosquito bites for breasts I was schooled in the proper way a young lady should wear a bra.
"Don't let your straps hang out!" Mom tutted whilst giving the offending strap a yank.
The fact that I wore the wrong size bra for nigh on ten years is evidence that size wasn't a huge concern during my teen years. My major concern? Dodging the bra saleslady. I'll be damned if I was going to let the handsy ol' gal in the pre-teen section of the department store get her mitts (or her measuring tape!) on my mosquito bites.

Instead I'd grab a few bra sizes (all white, of course) and hide myself away in the corner dressing room. As my chest was exploding outward at a rate similar to the number of zits developing on the faces of my male peers, I always bought the smallest size bra I could squeeze my torso into. The goal was to smash my chest (I had yet to discover the wonders a sports bra works in the chest smashing arena) so my evil brothers couldn't make fun of my 'bites' that were rapidly morphing into bona fide boobies.

Once the bra was purchased, like Mom counseled, "don't let your straps hang out!"
All one had to know about bra wearing at the time was simply this; if the public can see your bra, you're doing something wrong. Either the shirt doesn't fit right or you shouldn't be wearing a bra with that particular top. If you take off the bra are your bosoms flopping about beneath the blouse like a freshly caught fish tangled in net?... Then you shouldn't be wearing that particular garment. Ever. Really. Give it to good will or use it as a dust towel.. but don't wear it again.

I never thought of applying the bra strap policy to panties, but after spending a day in Central Park beneath a bright sun and behind the even brighter moon on display courtesy of a girl strolling in front of me, it seems I should avail myself of this golden opportunity to remind the ladies about the perils of crack.

I had hoped this tacky trend had died a quick death last year, but ass flash seems to have experienced a comeback a la Madonna. The Material Girl figures prominently in the popularization of tackiness as an expression of women's sexual freedom. Shit, after being told to hide my straps only to see Madge don a metallic cone shaped bra - my mind was as blown as Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky years. Interestingly, I've not yet seen Madonna sport ass crack, so maybe she does have a smidge of good taste. On second thought, nah.

Listen up girls! Butt crack is not now, nor will it ever be the new cleavage. Unless you're name is Giselle Bundchen or Heidi Klum and you find yourself on a photoshoot for Sports Illustrated in Bora-fucking-Bora, keep your crack to yourself. Your pants are supposed to cover your cheeks and your ass spilling over the edge of your jeans like a muffin top is not sexy. It sucks. Anyone who thinks public ass crack is hot also sucks.

Did we fight for the right to wear pants all those years ago so we could flash ass? How much class can you claim when you are letting your crack hang out like Billy Bob, the plumber who yanked the soggy clump of hair from my drain last month? Why would you want to advertise ass? It looks as if your hiney is being choked by your stringy underwear and your cheeks are trying to crawl out the tops of your jeans for a gulp of fresh air. Listen... air your ass out on your own time, preferably within the confines of your boudoir.

Finally, I've come up with a sassy little saying to help guide you along the perilous journey of clothing yourself before leaving your home. Similar to Nancy Reagan and her 'Just Say No' - you will do well to remember the following four words. Make it your mantra..

FLASH ASS = NO CLASS

Reader Comments (15)

How about granny panties blooming out of the back like a parachute?
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
...is that classy?
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
"It looks as if your hiney is being choked by your stringy underwear and your cheeks are trying to crawl out the tops of your jeans for a gulp of fresh air."

That made me laugh out loud.
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteremily
I totally agree...but even more disturbing is the granny panties causing giant lines and ass fat bulge underneath your clothing for all of the world to see...there is no excuse for that...buy yourself some G lady or you might as well where your panties on your head!

God I hate the word panties....
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Uh-oh...granny panties...though I'd rather wear those instead of having a sting up my bum. :)
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShay
I don't understand G-strings. Never got used to them. I either go without or wear granny panties as well.
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Up my bum? It’s ass, thanks. There is nothing wrong with having your ass eat some panties to bag yourself a man. We men love us some thong. I will have to agree with Monique on this one, plumbers is no fucking bueno, on male or female. I take that back, it’s no fucking bueno if your fat, if you are rocking the gym every once in a while and have a firm keister, show that shit. But just a little, just a little sneak peak; don’t let them undies creep more than 3 vertebrae up the back.

Thanks.
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCunning linguist
Note:

Going without is very acceptable. Very, very acceptable.
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCunning linguist
God bless you, Monica (it's just a saying, I'm not getting all religious here).

Thank you for this blog.

Someone *had* to say it.
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
While we're on the subject of covering up our figure flaws... If you are a man with a voluptuous D cup and your gut hangs down so far it's flapping against your balls, PUT A SHIRT ON! I just saw an extreme violation of this seemingly obvious principle as I was walking my dog a few moments ago. This same gentleman was sporting a paper-think pair of shorts, which were wadded up and vacuum sealed into his ass crack (as if he'd reverse farted or something) so as to accentuate his pillowy behind. Now THAT'S hot!
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
Purr Meow is funny
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdesiree
OMG I was thinking that this morning at the gas station.. some teeny bopper was wearing this no class style. Did you know they have a name for it? "whale tail" lol


Thanks for the laugh!
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
I read your comment Purr Meow, and laughed my own crack off.. and that was, like, a half hour ago.. Since I'm still giggling I figured I'd log on here and tell you that was brilliantly funny.
June 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
granny panties are always classy. forever.

sometimes i go shoot baskets at the elementary school near my home. if it's cold, i wear a hoodie. evidently, some of these kids' parents have seen "the woodsman", because i've started getting sideways glances. a couple of weeks back, i was mowing my lawn, and it was getting hot, so i contemplated taking my shirt off. and then i imagined the circumstance where one of the children who attends the afore-mentioned school sees me sweating and grimmacing, throwing all of my puny body's weight into mowing my miniscule lawn. i kept my shirt on. it was uncomfortable.

so, y'know what, purr meow, cut that round fella some slack. it takes a lot of guts (or, i guess, a lot of gut) to expose yourself.
June 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
omg reverse farted? hilarious.
June 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteremily

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