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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Friday
May262006

Deary Diary...

Today ruled! I am on the cover of US Weekly in my underwear! And I look hot! And skinny! Not "All For You" skinny but close! It's about time. After they published all those fat photos of me I thought I would, like, totally die! Good thing my publicist came up with the idea of saying I gained the weight for a movie instead of from just sitting around eating waffles and chicken after the wardrobe 'malfunction' backlash. I fired the publicist that came up with that 'malfunction' idea ... Well, it was my idea.. who don't like naked titties is what I thought.... besides Michael, I mean. I still can't believe it backfired. But, in a stroke of brilliance, my new publicist is telling everyone I gained weight for a movie role and everybody knows the only women who win oscars either gain weight, wear ugly make-up or play hookers. The public are such suckers! (well, of course not the ones that bought Damita Jo, some people are very discerning) And it's not SUCH a lie.. I totally would have gained weight for a movie role if I'd been offered one. Music is my passion, I mean, I AM a part of the Rhythm Nation and all.. But acting, it's like totally my craft. Man, it's been a tough year. For a while I was so fat I considered moving to Bahrain with Michael so I could just wear a burka and eat chitlins all the time... but Michael straight creeps me out ever since the time I caught him in my underwear. He said it was for a 'video project' he was working on but the 'director' shooting the video seemed like a total amateur.. Very young! I tried to work off the weight, but damn! Did you know you have to like run all the time and stuff? Anyway, I was getting really fat and Daddy came over and yelled at me.. told me to get my fat ass to the gym. I cried and said jogging hurt my knees and he said 'girl you so fat I could jog around you for exercise' and then he slapped me. The last straw was when Tito's kids was over playin' and the neighbor kids yelled 'Yo aunt so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"' So I went and had me a little nip/tuck here and there... Of course, that's not what we're telling the public.. As far as they're concerned it's hours of hard work with my personal trainer.. Either way all the publicity is totally cool because my new single drops later this month.
Fingers crossed!

Love always,

Janet Jackson

Reader Comments (7)

OMG that is too funny! Especially the pictures. I was just watching Entertainment Tonight last night and they were saying she gained it for a movie that fell through. Yeah right! What movie? They never mentioned it when she supposedly got the role or anything.
May 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Monica, this could be the start of something big! You may have just sprung open a whole new cottage industry of Celebrity Excuses for the common folk:

"I'm gaining weight for a movie."
"This is just a test car for the Consumer Reports 'Fender Denting' test.
"I'm not drunk. I'm cramming for the Eugene O'Neill writers workshop."
"Max didn't just have an accident, He's just part of a Purina Fiber Chow test. Yeah,, ummm, you'll have to leave it there until the Checkerboard Square folks show up."

I know there are better ones that those out there...

Glad to see your punch back, TGH!
May 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Dear Miss Jackson (cause I'm Nasty),

Keep drawing those abs on yourself honey because you are lookin' H.O.T. Oh and nasty boys...they don't mean a thing.

Love Always and Forever,

Richelle

May 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Peeing my pants! You should lose your job more often. It makes you funny!

My favorite part:
I fired the publicist that came up with that 'malfunction' idea ... Well, it was my idea.. who don't like naked titties is what I thought.... besides Michael, I mean. I still can't believe it backfired. But, in a stroke of brilliance, my new publicist is telling everyone I gained weight for a movie role and everybody knows the only women who win oscars either gain weight, wear ugly make-up or play hookers."

Brilliant!
May 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Oh you are bad. But it's so good!
May 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
You know you ain't right for this one. And I know I'm dead wrong for laughing. Oh well! This shit is hilarious.
May 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
This cracked my shit up! Isn't that the truth? PR agents spin stuff and a million minds are at work behind the scenes trying to cover up celebrity oops.
May 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma

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