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Thursday
May252006

A Hard Day's Night/Hard Night's Day

8:02 AM - Woke up
8:03 AM - Started at ceiling
8:20 AM - Still staring at ceiling
8:36 AM - Contemplated peeing
8:38 AM - Decided peeing too much effort
8:45 AM - Went back to sleep
10:01 AM - Woke up again
10:05 AM - Pulled gun from mouth and put it back under pillow
10:06 AM - Enjoyed a bowl of Raisin Bran (two scoops! Mmmmm)
10:30 AM - Watched "Roseanne" on obscure cable channel
10:35 AM - Got to looking at roll of skin hanging over waistband of pajama bottoms
10:37 AM - Did three sit-ups
11:45 AM - Fell asleep on couch
12:30 PM - Woke up and cried for thirty minutes
1:01 PM - Texted The Surge kicky message about how good I'm doing. "Just walked Max and wrote new chapter in book!"
1:02 PM - Read old journal entries and cried for another twenty minutes then watched another episode of Roseanne on different cable channel
1:15 PM - Wondered if one o'clock too early for first glass of wine
1:30 PM - Yelled at Judge Judy
1:31 PM - Realized in horror that self is type of person who yells at television
1:50 PM - Looked at self in mirror and wondered if self has lazy eye
2:03 PM - Popped blackheads for half hour
2:30 PM - Plucked eyebrows for another half hour
2:45 PM - Contemplated showering, ultimately decided wasn't necessary
3:00 PM - Wondered if three o'clock too early for first glass of wine
3:14 PM - Texted The Surge another cheerful message pretending to be Max saying hello
3:20 PM - Studied teeth in mirror
3:30 PM - Looked out window and wished someone would call to say hello
3:31 PM - Ignored ringing phone when Sicksadworld called to say hello
3:41 PM - Checked email - Nothing
3:43 PM - Checked email - Nothing
3:44 PM - Checked email - Nothing
3:45 PM - Wondered if four o'clock too early for first glass of wine
3:46 PM - Checked email - Nothing
3:50 PM - Watched Max chew bone
4:00 PM - Looked at hair in mirror. Decided self with brown hair looks like creepy girl from The Ring
4:04 PM - Sent death rays in direction of London where The Surge's Ex lives
4:20 PM - Tried to watch Oprah but had to turn off as self realized how far Oprah's head is buried up ass
4:21 PM - Decided love Oprah anyway
4:40 PM - Wished Sicksadworld would call so we could make fun of The EX
4:41 PM - Told self am better than making fun of others
4:42 PM - Tried to call Sicksadworld to make fun of The Ex as always seems to make self feel better
4:45 PM - Looked at ass in two-way mirror on closet doors
4:50 PM - Took off clothes and looked at ass some more
4:55 PM - Tried on old swimsuit and looked at ass some more
5:00 PM - Put on old college jeans (wouldn't button) and looked at ass even more
5:03 PM - Checked email - One email!
5:04 PM - Deleted email notification from Cingular that haven't paid May phone bill
5:05 PM - Poured first glass of wine
5:11 PM - Made fun of local news and congratulated self on getting away from shitty job
5:15 PM - Cried that local news station fired me
5:30 PM - Poured second glass of wine and mocked local news programming again
6:00 PM - Painted toe nails fire engine red
6:28 PM - Looked out window, wondered why sky is blue
6:30 PM - Walked Max to dog park.. feeling buzzed off wine
6:35 PM - Giggled to self for no reason
6:36 PM - Stopped giggling when caught glimpse of self in spandex "work-out" pants in Sushi restaurant window
6:67 PM - Realize self is type that wears spandex "work-out" pants around neighborhood when work-out is not on the cards
6:40 PM - Tripped in front of Sushi restuarant diners then tried to cover by pretending self was starting to jog
6:40 PM - Stopped jogging, too tiring
6:45 PM - Gave strange leering man my best stink-eye
6:46 PM - Realized leering man was just squinting into sunlight and not looking at me at all
6:47 PM - Felt bad man wasn't leering at me after all
6:50 PM - Told self cramps were too painful and aborted dog park effort
7:00 PM - Home from dog park in time for The Insider (thank god! highlight of day is latest Brangelina news)
7:01 PM - Sent death rays at Lara Spencer
7:30 PM - Watched Entertainment Tonight
8:02 PM - Made nachos
8:05 PM - Drank more wine
8:45 PM - Passed out on couch
11:30 PM - Woke up to "Frasier" theme song blaring from television
11:31 PM - Watched Frasier
11:32 PM - Fixed bowl of cereal
12:01 AM - Pulled gun from mouth and put back under pillow
12:30 AM - Inspected ta-ta's in mirror and wondered about breast lift
12:31 AM - Pulled ta-ta's to 18 year old positioning and let drop
12:32 AM - Cried about sagging ta-ta's
12:45 AM - Watched six episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
1:07 AM - Cried when realized had run out of wine
2:00 AM - During commercial break shook fist furiously at ceiling sufficiently shaming noisy upstairs neighbors and their spectacular new surround sound system. Take that bitches!
2:30 AM - Ate another bowl of cereal
2:35 AM - Gave noisy neighbors the double-bird flip off. Take THAT motherfuckers!
2:36 AM - Hate self for non-confrontational passive nature
4:10 AM - Fell asleep

References (6)

References allow you to track sources for this article, as well as articles that were written in response to this article.
  • Response
    free yahoo backgammon (http://itfreeyahoobackgammonabout.blogspot.com/)A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shiningand wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain
  • Response
    Response: magazine
    magazine (http://frommagazineof.blogspot.com/)By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. -- Mark Twain
  • Response
    Response: clean grease
    clean grease (http://atcleangreasebe.blogspot.com/)clean grease (http://atcleangreasebe.blogspot.com/) - clean greaseWriting is turning one's worst moments into money. -- J.P. DonleavyQ: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
  • Response
    None
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Reader Comments (77)

7:01 PM - Sent death rays at Lara Spencer

I send her death rays too. She annoys me.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
10:30 AM - Watched "Roseanne" on obscure cable channel

"obscure" cable channel? whats this? am i not in the know? Am I not hip to the "alternative" channels that the cool kids are watching? what the fuck!!?!?!!?!!!!!
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Channel 55 WLNY... everybody watches. We've all been laughing at you for not knowing.. You should probably know we've all been hanging out at a new bar on Bedford as well.
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Dammit! Why'd you tell him?
8:00am woke up, did 100 pushup/100 situps
8:30am left for work
8:36am pulled a kid outta the way of an oncoming bus
9:01am passed my homemade croissants around the office
10:10am pointed out an error on a contract that wouldve given me an extra $10,000 by accident
11:45am headed to local school to read to kids for an hour
1:01pm gave blood
1:30pm gave blood again
2:30pm corrected all the recylcing bags outside my building ("Glad to do it!")
3:11pm found Nathalie Holloway
4:45pm head outta work early so I can give guy on street my aluminum cans (each with a $5 bill 'accidently' stuck inside)
6:10pm learned how to play the piano
7:00pm - 10:00pm reading.
10:01pm joked to self that one day I'll bother plugging my tv in
10:05pm headed round corner to get some milk and see if there's any fliers up for missing cats that I need to be looking for
10:20pm cut little girl's throat, nailed her body to a pay phone
11:00pm said my prayers (one for each denomination, of course)
11:30pm sandman! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Cannot top that. Refuse to even try. Reading it was delicious.. thought highlight was found Natalie Holloway and then pissed self in delight when you cut the little's girl's throat and nailed her to a pay phone (didn't see that one coming!)

Damn. I am second place.

3:35 PM - reaches for gun beneath pillow
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
WOWOWOWOW. Funniest two things either of you have ever written. By far. I mean, Xmastime can read??? THATs funny!

Monica, you never called me back! YOU MAY ADD 3:30pm:"Lied to everyone about calling Sicksadworld"

xxoo
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
I didn't want to say anything because I have been trying to figure out how Xmastimes mind works in such a way. I have been going between rabid laughter and silent appreciation. How does one go from: "4:45pm head outta work early so I can give guy on street my aluminum cans (each with a $5 bill 'accidently' stuck inside)"

To: "10:20pm cut little girl's throat, nailed her body to a pay phone".

Satan bless america, Zeus bless america, Ares bless america, Eros bless Xmastime, Hypnos bless Monica.
ok, and god bless sicksadworld.
and her life-giving, perky, more-than-a-handful, sweet sweet bosoms. both of em.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
More-than-a-handful....well alright for everyone involved in that transaction, good on ya.
Xmastime: Nail little girls to telephone booths all you want but I think in light of my 12:30AM hour your last post is in extremely poor taste.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I won't look in the mirror at my ta-ta's. I've cried enough in the past 2 weeks that crying over what they look like or how far they are hanging just wouldn't matter.

Then thinking of a breast lift would make then make me self consious about the scars that supposedly don't show. Yeah right.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
MEMO

Please refrain from using the word "bosom."

-Management
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
great. 5/25/06: Xmastime's been censored. "America."
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
On Lara Spencer, another thing that annoys me is she also hosts PBS Antique Roadshow. Something is just terribly wrong with that.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
*applause*
Favorite. Post. Ever.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib

Memo Addendum -

Please refrain from using "life-giving" in same sentence as bosom/tits/rack/breasts/ladylumps.

That'd be grrreeeaat. Yeeeahhh. Thanks

Management

May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who...
"6:67 PM - Realize self is type that wears spandex "work-out" pants around neighborhood when work-out is not on the cards"

6:67PM? Funny! Even if not intended.

About that wine; boxed?


May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe
Should I save "life-giving" for when Im referencing one's vulva? either one, dont matter to me. lemme know. thanks.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Joe - I posted this under the "drunk" category for a reason my dandelion fluff kicking friend.
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Addendum to the Addendum

Please refrain from using the word "Vulva". Corporate prefers the term "Pussy".

Thanks for your cooperation

Management


P.S. "Twat" is also appropriate as is "Mormon Muff" if said twat sports afro.
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Dear valued employee:

In response to your inquiry, management would like you to cease and desist referencing anything as "lifegiving." Your colleagues find it fucking offensive.

From now on tits/breasts/boobies/tatas will be the only acceptable terms when referrencing our titties.

-Management
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
sorry, was trying to be a tad classy by using "vulva." "Roast beef curtains", it is. "Dick mitten" on weekends.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Boobs, Hooters, Honkers, Magumbos, Mounds, Melons, Breasts, Funbags, Tits, Waterbags, Happy sacs, sweater cows, rack, chest.

any of those offensive?
Dear Valued Employee:

Dick Mitten is the new preferred term for twat. We would like you to cease and desist using any and all other terms.

In related news: Please congratulate Ned in HR. His wife Lisa just pushed their first child from her dick mitten.

--Management
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Sicksadworld, Xmastime...you crazy kids. Do we make-a the match?
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
yup, its in the urban dictionary:

adj: a very warm, hair covered vagina.

alcove, bat cave, bear trap, bearded clam, bearded taco, beaver, bermuda triangle, box, bucket seat, cake, chuff box, cockpit, cooch, coochie, coochie-pop, coose, cooter, cooze, crack, crawl space, cum depository, cum dumpster, cuntcake, cunt, cunny, donut, dripping delta, felted mound, fillet-o-fish, finger hut, fish, fish taco, front bum, fly catcher, fuckhole, furburger, garage, gash, gates of Heaven, golden doorway, Grand Canyon, growler, hair pie, heaven's door, hole, honey cave, honey pot, hot box, jaws of Hell, lobster pot, loins, loose meat sandwich, lotus, love box, love canal, lower lips, meat wallet, muff, nooch, nook, nookie, parking spot, peach, pearly panty gates, pocket, poon, poontang, purse, pussy, quiff, quim, rat trap, scratch, sheath, slash, slit, snapper, snatch, space, split, stench trench, tampon socket, temple, thingy, tool shed, tuna, tunnel, twat, undercut, vagina, vertical smile, wishing well, whisker box, womb, x, yoni

My penis was getting cold when your mom was giving me a hand-job so I put it in her dick mitten to warm up.
figured as much!
You're still way more active than me.

9:45 AM walked dogs.
10:15 AM napped
6:45 PM walked dogs
7:15 AM napped
11:30 PM went to bed
5:15 AM congratulated self for not having a hangover for the first time in 2 months.
8:00 AM noticed dandelion's that were missed 2 days ago.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe
Management has approvoed "whisker box" as an acceptible substitution for "dick mitten". Variety is the spice of life.
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
MEMO

DEAR COLLEAGUES. LETS CELBRATE NED'S BUNDLE OF JOY. CAKE IS AVAILABLE IN ANGELA FROM FINANCE'S WHISKER BOX.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Can funbags be used for titties
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
I fucking blew it ..... that was already mentioned....I should never be allowed to post ever again
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Sicksadworld: Did you read that asshole Brian's post?

What a fucking loser. He should never be allowed to post ever again.

Love!

Monica
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
oh, Im sorry, I meant dick mitten as in youre stuffing a broad's box with your dick, then shove your whole hand up there, as if putting on a mitten. just another Tuesday night.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Monica...not sure how much truth there was to the part about pulling the gun out of your mouth...but just a word of caution. A week ago today, a good friend of mine took his life by putting a gun in his mouth. Along with all the other loved ones he left behind, I find myself wondering why he didn't call. How there wasn't something I could have done to help. Please...don't even joke about something like this and if you ARE feeling that way. Pick up the phone and call...anyone.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHelloMsKitty
That is rough about the friend. But shit. Why go and ruin comic genius with that?
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
Dear Monica:

I Know! What a loser! Why does Brian ALWAYS try to Post stuff when he knows that all we do is laugh about him behind his back? HAAHAHA! LOSER.

love,

Sicksadworld!
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
My gut is killing me, kids!



May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
*sighs. puts toaster back on shelf above bathtub self is soaking in*

HelloMsKitty, that is tough news indeed and you are a dear for caring. I too have a friend that fatally shot herself. Alas, were I suicidal there would be no blog cry for help. I'd get the job done minus the theatrics. Sleeping pills would be my weapon of choice (I'm a whisker box when it comes to getting my hands dirty with suicide) Theatrics = crying wolf.

Now Xmastime.. with your latest post you may have cost me all my Stephanie Klein readers.. Nice going! Worse than Brian, you are!
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Sicksadworld, Monica....

I love you two even more!

Brian
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Dear Sicksadworld,

Did you read Brian's latest, latest post? Fucking ass kissing wanker.

Love,

M
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Stephanie Klein...who is that? have I done her?
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
I want to know, well maybe I don't, what you were doing between this time?

2:36 AM - Hate self for non-confrontational passive nature
???
???

4:10 AM - Fell asleep

Were you hating self for non-confrontational passive nature for that long? :)
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Always hate self for non-confrontational passive nature... but that can be done whilst television watching, masturbating, nose-picking, drinking and a smorgasbord of other slothful activities.
May 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Ahhh so true.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
I haven't laughed so hard in weeks! So is joking about suicide like joking about having a bomb at the airport? I hope not, because suicide is one of my favorite riffs.

(Mskitty I do think you sincerity is sweet)
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
From the ever-witty Dorothy Parker:


Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.


May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
I'm all about the passive confrontation. Check out my recent blog entry on this exact topic. :)
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThe Whining Stranger
"alcove, bat cave, bear trap, bearded clam, bearded taco, beaver, bermuda triangle, box, bucket seat, cake, chuff box, cockpit, cooch, coochie, coochie-pop, coose, cooter, cooze, crack, crawl space, cum depository, cum dumpster, cuntcake, cunt, cunny, donut, dripping delta, felted mound, fillet-o-fish, finger hut, fish, fish taco, front bum, fly catcher, fuckhole, furburger, garage, gash, gates of Heaven, golden doorway, Grand Canyon, growler, hair pie, heaven's door, hole, honey cave, honey pot, hot box, jaws of Hell, lobster pot, loins, loose meat sandwich, lotus, love box, love canal, lower lips, meat wallet, muff, nooch, nook, nookie, parking spot, peach, pearly panty gates, pocket, poon, poontang, purse, pussy, quiff, quim, rat trap, scratch, sheath, slash, slit, snapper, snatch, space, split, stench trench, tampon socket, temple, thingy, tool shed, tuna, tunnel, twat, undercut, vagina, vertical smile, wishing well, whisker box, womb, x, yoni"

I didn't know quiff or quim. Still 92 out of 94 ain't bad.
May 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe

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