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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Friday
May192006

I Am So Stoned



Faces smear across my eyeballs. Kaleidescopic heartbeats of color. Mouths open and close and I am vaguely aware that I am talking to people. I am having a conversation.
I think?
Pinpoints of light dance behind my eyelids... Velvety light that pulses with sexual innuendo. Light heartbeats. Lightbeats. You can touch the light. I lift my hand in an effort to cup the glossy illuminations in my palm.
Wait.
Is that question directed at me? What did they ask me? They're looking at me expectantly, waiting for a sentence. Words hang in the air around me, from the conversation that was. I try to pluck them, like cherries and place them in my vocal basket for proper distribution. But I am busy. Busy thinking thoughts that have never been thought before. I am forging new territory here. My life has changed forever. I am seeing things more clearly than I ever have. It's all so easy. How come I didn't see this before?
Still waiting.
They still want me to answer the question. What was the question?
Wordswordswordswordswords... The word word is weird... isn't it. It doesn't seem like a word. Say it.... WOOOORRRRRD. Weird. Weird sounds like word... Say it.. WEEEEIIIIRRRD. Weird word weird word weird word.
What do they mean? I am backstroking through the most luxurious ocean of new thoughts and perspectives. I will be okay. It will be okay. I rocket back to my body and some semblance of propriety and realize I appear to be vaguely retarded to those I am conversing with. Here. In this bar.
Answer the question.
What was the question? Oh my god. Everyone is staring at me. Everyone knows I'm stoned. They all know. There's my mother-in-law. She's waiting for my response. But she knows I'm stoned. Everyone's watching. I open my mouth to prove them wrong, to formulate an intelligent response and continue the conversation that has apparently been on pause like a movie while I go to the bathroom. Like the characters in the movie, we all stand, motionless, while we wait for my mind to return from it's bathroom break and press PLAY.
Theyknowyouarehigh-Theyknowyouarehigh-Theyknowyouarehigh- They-know-you-are-high. They. Know. You. Are. High.
Again, I open my mouth to construct an intelligent response. I push hard... sweating like a woman in labor, trying to give birth to a competent sentence. But nothing comes.
Except:
"I am SO stoned!" I gush to my mother-in-law then proceed to giggle with the ferocity of a howling banshee.

Reader Comments (24)

Awesome. You took me back to some great memories. Thank you.
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
"sweating like a woman in labor, trying to give birth to a competent sentence."

GENIUS!
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Oh, that was good.

I think I picked up a buzz from that...
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
does anyone have some doritos?
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Last night it was Doritos.. then KitKat.. then Burger King.. I am still full.
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
The funniest part of this was you saying "I'm going to blog this" while it was happening. Your mother in law seems very nice!
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
How can someone read that and not just want to join in on the magic of your words? How can anyone even try to post something that will enlist memories of the past and bring them to life with such fondness and understanding as you do? The fucking mental imagery astounds my putrid little mind, the only thing I have is an innate ability to find something funny on the web and then post it, and so today I bring you a new word: (compliments of urban dictionary)


Cockmonster:

1. A blue hairy monster that bites your cock off and eats it.
AAH! Watch out! A cockmonster!

2. A crazy nymphomaniacal and usually sociopathic slut who craves the wang on a constant basis and does not let marriage or commitment get in the way. She is unstable and thinks she is better than everyone else, and will suck the life blood from her victims. See also, "succubus."
"Hold on, dude. Shit, the cockmonsters on the phone..."

3. A person or thing who can consume penis type objects at higher rates than cockpeasants.
Frank is a cockmonster look at that fat fucker eat!

4. 45 year old drunk chick named Alice that loves to get drunk and suck cock.
Damn, Alice sure was a cockmonster last night at the bar.

P.S. I just found Xmastimes site…He is a funny fucker.
EDW... I am afraid I made a most righteous ass of myself in front of you and the dashing du_dragons.. I couldn't help it.. My vision was pulsating and I couldn't formulate words..


notdrunkenyetbutsoontobeshitfacedassupbombed - I am right behind you in your liquor mission. I suppose this is the post job loss downward spiral that will eventually find me drunk/stoned at 10 in the morning.. crying to Max about the complexities of life whilst The Surge entertains Spanish senoritas
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Hey, you-

I haves me an idea; if only someone could get off their *high* horse and dial some fucking digits…..
I have about had it.
But that involves communicating with people in a way that includes small talk, coming up with hilarious witticisms or talking about the sad state of my employment.. That's a drag.. Drinking wine naked and watching shit T.V. whilst occasionally checking my blog is much nicer.
May 19, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
I'm not witty. Witticisms? Where? Not here. But I am a cocksnorkling bore so enjoy you some Full House, I am sure those Olsen twins really make great house guests.

-"It's Friday, you ain't got no job and you ain't got shit to do, I'm going to get you high today"
Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin' up all the food. All the chitlins... All the pig's feet... All the collard greens... All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins... I like pigs feet.
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
It was really great to see you! We were so thrilled to have been introduced to the newest fashion trend, the boob belt! Once again, you have widened and improved our world.
We love you so.

Ms. ZS and Ms. LB
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterZoe Strauss
TGH, now that's must-see TV. We're SO going to Yankee stadium next month... or scalping the tickets, buying booze in paper bags and letting our cameras loose in the Bron-ix!
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Whoops... I mean, Wry Bri!

Did you catch the Chapelle's Show repeat just now, or That 70s Show??
May 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
AAAAHHHHH Naaaawwwwwwww... You have brightened my morning with memories of one of the funniest movies ever.

Monica, sorry about your job, really. That totally blows. I agree that you should write a book. Your writing skill is far more advanced than some other folks out there who have gotten book deals recently, and your story is so much more interesting. Take advantage of your, um, free time and pursue that junk drawer dream full time for a while. And get on unemployment pronto.

So yeah, sorry about your job. But at least you didn't get fired on your day off. "You gotta be a stupid motherfucker to get fired on your day off."

Cheers.
May 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
howsa bout gettin a little rocky mountin high? We got that shit in Utah!!?? I even got Deebo chillin in that there DVD player fer ya.
May 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Wow...I'm dashing! Then again, you were stoned. Sober, I'm probably only at a light jog.
May 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
Dashing AND witty.. Damn, that was funny.
May 20, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
That totally rocked. I don't think I could cope being stoned in front of my boyfriends mom. Too weird!
May 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Howdya get so stoned????
May 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEvil_Peter
He might be evil but his pot is really good.
May 22, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Well.... You make it soud trippier than it really is....... Smoking Pot is not a halucinational experience.....

One thing is for sure... I am fucking high now.
October 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThe Mad Swede

I don't know Electronic Supplies who said what about firecrackers, but to deny laptop battery a media bias is silly.  But in this case their bias to protect Obama might conflict with their bias toward gold watches sensationalizing.

But reporting that it was firecrackers, instead of reporting that some Swiss Replica Watches said it sounded like firecrackers, is a big difference.  Was it reported as just a firecracker incident at first?

July 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlaptop accessories

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