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Wednesday
Apr052006

It Would Suck To Be Straight


My Gay Ambassador Henry would henceforth like to be known as Marco.
"Henry doesn't suit me." He sulked after I wrote about him in Back When I Was Hot and referred to him as Henry.
"I don't look like a Henry do I?" He says 'Henry' in a nerdy, nasal voice, his lips puckered into a butthole. "You should call me Marco!" He purrs the word Marco in the same way one would say Antonio Banderrrras, the rolling of R's.. oozing sex appeal. "Mention my shiny, black hair" he tells me, "and my big full lips."
"Okay Marco. But tell me another story."

We're at work. It's 2:14am and we've just completed our various writing assignments. Me: riots in Brooklyn, Marco: the battle over where to build the new Yankee Stadium. Now we're trying to pass the time. Marco is eating fresh fruit as fitness conscious gay men do. I'm slobbering on miniature candy bars I stole from The Candy Drawer. Night peers in the windows that surround us, makes us feel like we're in a casino.

"Okay!" Marco doesn't need to be asked twice. He loves to dish. And I love to listen, as his weekend activities usually encompass more sex with strangers than my early twenties.
"So I was at the gym last Thursday...and I went into the steam room..." Marco trails off as an editor walks by. He waits until the coast is clear then continues in a hushed, conspiratorial tone that forces me to lean across the low cubical wall that separates us.
"So I go into the steam room and--"
"Were you naked?"
"Just a towel. The hot Latin boy I've noticed a couple times is already taking a steam."
"Alone?"
"Yep. It's just the two of us. So, I sit down on the bench."
"Do you take your towel of right away?" I ask.
"Good lord no! You have to be subtle. If someone walks in all agressive-like, it ruins it. That's creepy."
"Even if they're totally hot and coming on to you?"
"Yes.. It's a subtle dance. Small moves. Eye contact. Body language."
"Smiling?" I ask.
"NO SMILING! It's not a bar. It's all body language"
"Okay, so keep going." I urge.
" He moves closer. I move closer. I get hard. He gets hard."
"When do the towels come off?" I shout. My co-worker, who is notoriously powered by Jesus, glances sharply at Marco and me whispering like two school girls.
"SSSSHHHH! Pay attention." Marco hisses. "It's all very subtle. I stretch, the towel slips a little, reveals a lot.. you know."
"No, I don't. That's why I'm asking. I've never picked up on a strange gay man in a stream room before. So it's like a little peep show?"
"Yes.. And the harder and more erect you get the more nonchalant you act."
"And you don't know this guy at all?" I ask incredulously
"Never met him."
"Haven't said a word?"
"Talking ruins it." Marco is staring at my chest. Your breasts look delicious today. I could hang pretzels on your nipples!"
"If you weren't gay I'd smack you! It's cold!" I slump and cross my arms protectively over my chest. "Now finish your story!"
"We start jacking each other off." He promptly continues.
"What if somebody comes in?"
"Well, you play it cool.. Wait to see if they're cool with it. It all depends. One time I walked in and eight guys were going at it! Once they saw I was cool with it they just kept going"
"Jesus..." I am agog.
"So now he goes down on me."
"No way!"
"Of course!" Marco looks offended that I might imply the strange man at the gym wouldn't go down on him. "So I cum pretty fast."
"Did he swallow? Do gay guys swallow?"
"There's a breed that does. I went through a spell where I did. But I don't so much anymore. Do Mormon girls swallow?"
"I do." I giggle.
"So.. I go down on him BUT HE DOESN'T CUM. He's taking forever and I am damn near dehydrating, sweating in all that steam. So finally I say 'let poppa take care of this' and I jam my finger up his ass."

I am speechless.

"Of course, he cums right away" Marco continues matter of factly. "And that was that." My Gay Ambassador casually takes another bite of his salad.
"Did you get his phone number?" I ask.
"Oh, honey, that's cute. No we don't talk. You never talk. It's all body language."
"Wow." I manage to sputter. "I cannot even begin to imagine--"
"I know. It would suck to be straight. Y'all are boooring."

Reader Comments (27)

Sweet lord. Dear jesus. For once, I have no comment and I'm not so sure I appreciate the skill you have for taking me there with your words.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
I had no idea such things went down! I'll never enter my gym's steam room without thinking twice again.

I want Marco to be my friend! I need a fun, gay friend. I'm forwarding this to all my friends. Impersonal, gay, sex stories. A good way to start the day :)
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Damn, i just realized i'm boring!
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEvangelia
Marco...hmmmmm.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
If Marco doesn't swallow, what does he do with the jizz? I hope he doesn't leave it on the floor of the steam room for the next poor fella to slip on...!
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDan
I second that Sicksadworld...
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Makes a man take a closer look at his current paradigm in life.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
That is HOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Ahh the stories I've heard from my own Gay Ambassador about steam rooms.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
Dan, that's why one should always wear flip flops in the steam room.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
That Marco is one sassy, gay Ambassador
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTrish
I was thinking about this post some more and wondering...doesn't Marco worry about getting diseases?
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEvangelia
he's already got a disease...HE'S GAY!!!!!!!!! follow along people!!!
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Monica paid me $5 to write that
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
*crickets chirp*
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
If that was a male and female in the steamroom, how often would wordless, spontaneous sex just happen like that? Probably more often than I imagine, but...I'm just old-fashioned, I suppose.

That's the thing about the gay lifestyle that I really don't understand (or want to understand). Much of it seems predicated purely on the carnal.

I suppose a life spent having sex on the sly and being ostracized changes a lot of the rules.

I lived in a predominately gay neighborhood in the mid-80's, and was shocked to be followed, hit-on, and otherwise harassed, even if I was just walking my dog at night, or coming home from work.

I always wondered how total stranger's who didn't know me or anything about me, would think I was a candidate for consensual sex?

To me that's superficial and total objectification.

Is that now the norm?

April 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
...and before anyone says it, the few "one-night stand's" that I've had in my life (told you I was old-fashioned) have been with women that I knew...at least a little bit.

.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Ahhh. The zipless fuck. I spent much of the 70s craving that, seldom was it achieved. Not never, but seldom. I just got Erica Jong's new memoir book, not realizing she says she wrote it for writers, of which I am not (pretty obvious from that sentence, no?). But if it's any good I'll gladly pass it along to the excellent writers who frequent here.

"I could hang pretzels from your nipples?" What a creative imagination. Imagine what (else) he does with his gay bits.


janet

p.s. Monica, I know you don't like working nights, but you write fabulous stuff when you do, so I don't share your pain. Besides, I think everyone should work that shift at some point in their lives. It's a completely different world against the same backdrop. Weird.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Joe:

"I lived in a predominately gay neighborhood in the mid-80's, and was shocked to be followed, hit-on, and otherwise harassed, even if I was just walking my dog at night, or coming home from work.

I always wondered how total stranger's who didn't know me or anything about me, would think I was a candidate for consensual sex?"

a) Now you know what it's like being a woman.

b) It only counts as a one night stand if you never see the person again.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Alas, I haven't crossed a Girl Who didn't know me but thought I was a candidate for consensual sex since I can't remember. (Actually, I can. It involved a ladies room in a DC Irish bar.)

I'm as "boring" as they.. ahem.. come, by Marco's standard, yet... I still think this post is slightly hot.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Wry Bri... I fucking love that about you..
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Straight people ARE boring. Most gay guys I know always, always know how to have fun and they are always, always safe. I must say, I've never had a boring night out with my gay friends, but have had countless snoozers with married couples, dates etc.
April 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
a) Now you know what it's like being a woman.

b) It only counts as a one night stand if you never see the person again.
April 5, 2006 | Sicksadworld



a) I knew that was comin' sicksad, and touche. Maybe that's another reason that I identify with this here blog. I think sex is cheapened "the Marco way."

b) Never has happened to me. I've always seen the person again.

April 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Thanks for visiting my blog
Thanks for your brilliant photo album
Thanks for a very vivid look at Marco's world, before breakfast - I might skip it altogether, now.

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'gay abandon'. I just hope he gets his bloods done - frequently.

(And ditto what Jib and Dan said!)

:-)
April 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCheryl
OMG - That is sick. I am cringing. Did I just read that? I think I’m going to hurl. I just remembered why I don’t like fags. This is just sick. No wonder they have such a high STD rate. I don’t like gays “contributions” to society as a whole, and just wish they would all move to the Baja peninsula.

Once upon a time I did try and rationalize that if homosexuals could be “morally gay” that would somehow make being gay acceptable. In reality a “moral gay” is an oxy-moron. I would find this disturbing no matter what someone’s sexual orientation however this is an all too familiar story.

I feel I have to put on my “game face’ and pretend I’m ok with it yet in reality I feel otherwise.
September 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous
I've met plenty of straight guys who like a finger up the ass. Morally gay is not an oxymoron. And you're just a moron. Hater.
September 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Obviously you would know.

And having a chick stick her finger up your ass (assuming you like that sort of thing) is completely different, from having sex with a man.

Morally gay IS an oxymoron. Who cares if less than 1 out of 100 male homosexuals could be considered “morally gay”? You can always point out the exception to the rule. The facts are that male homosexuals (in general) are extremely promiscuous with sky high STD rates that go back to dawn of AIDS. Statistics back this entire up. The USCDC just did another study on male homosexual promiscuity, that affirms the trend.

Your article even reflects this.

Hater? If that means hating this kind of immoral behavior, it acceptance, and its future collective effect on society, then yes guilty as charged.
September 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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