My Gay Ambassador Henry would henceforth like to be known as Marco.
"Henry doesn't suit me." He sulked after I wrote about him in Back When I Was Hot and referred to him as Henry.
"I don't look like a Henry do I?" He says 'Henry' in a nerdy, nasal voice, his lips puckered into a butthole. "You should call me Marco!" He purrs the word Marco in the same way one would say Antonio Banderrrras, the rolling of R's.. oozing sex appeal. "Mention my shiny, black hair" he tells me, "and my big full lips."
"Okay Marco. But tell me another story."
We're at work. It's 2:14am and we've just completed our various writing assignments. Me: riots in Brooklyn, Marco: the battle over where to build the new Yankee Stadium. Now we're trying to pass the time. Marco is eating fresh fruit as fitness conscious gay men do. I'm slobbering on miniature candy bars I stole from The Candy Drawer. Night peers in the windows that surround us, makes us feel like we're in a casino.
"Okay!" Marco doesn't need to be asked twice. He loves to dish. And I love to listen, as his weekend activities usually encompass more sex with strangers than my early twenties.
"So I was at the gym last Thursday...and I went into the steam room..." Marco trails off as an editor walks by. He waits until the coast is clear then continues in a hushed, conspiratorial tone that forces me to lean across the low cubical wall that separates us.
"So I go into the steam room and--"
"Were you naked?"
"Just a towel. The hot Latin boy I've noticed a couple times is already taking a steam."
"Yep. It's just the two of us. So, I sit down on the bench."
"Do you take your towel of right away?" I ask.
"Good lord no! You have to be subtle. If someone walks in all agressive-like, it ruins it. That's creepy."
"Even if they're totally hot and coming on to you?"
"Yes.. It's a subtle dance. Small moves. Eye contact. Body language."
"Smiling?" I ask.
"NO SMILING! It's not a bar. It's all body language"
"Okay, so keep going." I urge.
" He moves closer. I move closer. I get hard. He gets hard."
"When do the towels come off?" I shout. My co-worker, who is notoriously powered by Jesus, glances sharply at Marco and me whispering like two school girls.
"SSSSHHHH! Pay attention." Marco hisses. "It's all very subtle. I stretch, the towel slips a little, reveals a lot.. you know."
"No, I don't. That's why I'm asking. I've never picked up on a strange gay man in a stream room before. So it's like a little peep show?"
"Yes.. And the harder and more erect you get the more nonchalant you act."
"And you don't know this guy at all?" I ask incredulously
"Never met him."
"Haven't said a word?"
"Talking ruins it." Marco is staring at my chest. Your breasts look delicious today. I could hang pretzels on your nipples!"
"If you weren't gay I'd smack you! It's cold!" I slump and cross my arms protectively over my chest. "Now finish your story!"
"We start jacking each other off." He promptly continues.
"What if somebody comes in?"
"Well, you play it cool.. Wait to see if they're cool with it. It all depends. One time I walked in and eight guys were going at it! Once they saw I was cool with it they just kept going"
"Jesus..." I am agog.
"So now he goes down on me."
"Of course!" Marco looks offended that I might imply the strange man at the gym wouldn't go down on him. "So I cum pretty fast."
"Did he swallow? Do gay guys swallow?"
"There's a breed that does. I went through a spell where I did. But I don't so much anymore. Do Mormon girls swallow?"
"I do." I giggle.
"So.. I go down on him BUT HE DOESN'T CUM. He's taking forever and I am damn near dehydrating, sweating in all that steam. So finally I say 'let poppa take care of this' and I jam my finger up his ass."
I am speechless.
"Of course, he cums right away" Marco continues matter of factly. "And that was that." My Gay Ambassador casually takes another bite of his salad.
"Did you get his phone number?" I ask.
"Oh, honey, that's cute. No we don't talk. You never talk. It's all body language."
"Wow." I manage to sputter. "I cannot even begin to imagine--"
"I know. It would suck to be straight. Y'all are boooring."