Wednesday
Apr262006
The City Is Not My Friend Today
This latest Marah tour has been hell on my marriage. Is a successful marriage possible when a great distance is repeatedly shoved between those who long to be together? A relationship conducted through a string of texts and late night phone calls. Am I wrong for wanting to break my phone? Stomp it to pieces beneath my shoe?
At this late juncture in The Surge's tour, every nuance in speech is taken the wrong way. Every conversation dissolves into an argument within ten minutes. Every text, a reminder of the great divide. An electronic stab at hilarity despite the miles. Texts are for shit. I could text the happiest sentence possible in between my sobs that the hot water is off for the third day and the ants are back. Why tell him? He can't do anything from Serbia anyhow. Serbia? Yep, Serbia.
"I miss you." That sentence loses it's luster when spoken over and over and over and over and over again. Yeah, you miss me. I miss you. This is how our life is now. Me here, you there. You can miss me all you want.. it still doesn't mean I'll get to see you any sooner.. And it's beginning to sound as perfunctory as 'what did you do today?'
Admitting I miss him is not my way. My way is to power through.. Share the facts from my day. No time for mushy talk. He longs for the emotional stuff. I don't have it in me. So I focus on inane bits from my life that don't deserve the attention. Analyze silly things until I drive myself mad. I am going mad.
Maybe I am mad at him. Mad for leaving me alone so often. But I knew the deal when I married him. No I didn't. I knew nothing when I married him. So I should have prepared myself for anything. I met him while he was on tour for godsakes! But I didn't expect this.
Days and days of loneliness. I want to go to the movies with him. I want to ride the subway to Coney Island with him. I want to walk our dog with him. I want to have coffee at our place! But it's not the way it is. The way it is sucks. Hanging out with my husband should not be considered a luxury. But anymore, that's the way it is. I am slowly losing my mind. And so is he. Hours with other men in a van, in a hotel room, on a stage, in foreign countries. His only privacy: the bathroom.
If I was in Utah (I nearly said home instead of Utah.. which demonstrates I still don't feel at home here) I would take hikes with Max in those big motherfucking mountains that punch through the evergreens straight to the heavens so even God can see them up close.
Mountains. Always towering over my Utah world. They were present for my birth one sunny Sunday morning. They watched me attend my first day of school. They solemnly observed my graduation. They looked on as I met The Surge. They were witnesses at our wedding. Mountains. You can hike for hours and never run into a soul. Just you, nature's palette of greens and browns and that big, beautiful swoop of cerulean sky overhead.
Here, there is always someone. The concrete jungle colors of cement gray, dirty building slate.. I am sick of people. The guy repeatedly blowing his nose on the subway platform. The grown man I observed picking his nose on the train and then wiping it on the pole. The lady on the corner trying to shove a flyer into my hand. The guy on the subway begging me for money and berating me when I don't oblige. The woman banging me with her oversized (yet stylish, of course) purse. I long to hurt you all. Beat you into unconciousness with my own oversized (not stylish, of course) bag.
What's that you say? Oh.. go to the park. Utah laughs at your "park" New York City. She nearly injures herself with great belly shaking howls at your "nature". The crowded park. Where I get dirty looks if I dare let my dog off leash? The park is worse than the subway.
Max straining wildly on his leash in an effort to get at the squirrels that taunt him before scrabbling up to the lowest branches where they fall over each other, shrieking with laughter at the frenzied dog who can't get them. He nearly chokes himself, frothing in his efforts at squirrel success while I plant my feet in the ground and lean back as if water skiing to keep from being dragged to my death in a publicly humiliating fashion. Grown men give us a wide berth for fear the gangly black labrador might jump them. Pussies. He's a black lab!
This city is not my friend today.
At this late juncture in The Surge's tour, every nuance in speech is taken the wrong way. Every conversation dissolves into an argument within ten minutes. Every text, a reminder of the great divide. An electronic stab at hilarity despite the miles. Texts are for shit. I could text the happiest sentence possible in between my sobs that the hot water is off for the third day and the ants are back. Why tell him? He can't do anything from Serbia anyhow. Serbia? Yep, Serbia.
"I miss you." That sentence loses it's luster when spoken over and over and over and over and over again. Yeah, you miss me. I miss you. This is how our life is now. Me here, you there. You can miss me all you want.. it still doesn't mean I'll get to see you any sooner.. And it's beginning to sound as perfunctory as 'what did you do today?'
Admitting I miss him is not my way. My way is to power through.. Share the facts from my day. No time for mushy talk. He longs for the emotional stuff. I don't have it in me. So I focus on inane bits from my life that don't deserve the attention. Analyze silly things until I drive myself mad. I am going mad.
Maybe I am mad at him. Mad for leaving me alone so often. But I knew the deal when I married him. No I didn't. I knew nothing when I married him. So I should have prepared myself for anything. I met him while he was on tour for godsakes! But I didn't expect this.
Days and days of loneliness. I want to go to the movies with him. I want to ride the subway to Coney Island with him. I want to walk our dog with him. I want to have coffee at our place! But it's not the way it is. The way it is sucks. Hanging out with my husband should not be considered a luxury. But anymore, that's the way it is. I am slowly losing my mind. And so is he. Hours with other men in a van, in a hotel room, on a stage, in foreign countries. His only privacy: the bathroom.
If I was in Utah (I nearly said home instead of Utah.. which demonstrates I still don't feel at home here) I would take hikes with Max in those big motherfucking mountains that punch through the evergreens straight to the heavens so even God can see them up close.
Mountains. Always towering over my Utah world. They were present for my birth one sunny Sunday morning. They watched me attend my first day of school. They solemnly observed my graduation. They looked on as I met The Surge. They were witnesses at our wedding. Mountains. You can hike for hours and never run into a soul. Just you, nature's palette of greens and browns and that big, beautiful swoop of cerulean sky overhead.
Here, there is always someone. The concrete jungle colors of cement gray, dirty building slate.. I am sick of people. The guy repeatedly blowing his nose on the subway platform. The grown man I observed picking his nose on the train and then wiping it on the pole. The lady on the corner trying to shove a flyer into my hand. The guy on the subway begging me for money and berating me when I don't oblige. The woman banging me with her oversized (yet stylish, of course) purse. I long to hurt you all. Beat you into unconciousness with my own oversized (not stylish, of course) bag.
What's that you say? Oh.. go to the park. Utah laughs at your "park" New York City. She nearly injures herself with great belly shaking howls at your "nature". The crowded park. Where I get dirty looks if I dare let my dog off leash? The park is worse than the subway.
Max straining wildly on his leash in an effort to get at the squirrels that taunt him before scrabbling up to the lowest branches where they fall over each other, shrieking with laughter at the frenzied dog who can't get them. He nearly chokes himself, frothing in his efforts at squirrel success while I plant my feet in the ground and lean back as if water skiing to keep from being dragged to my death in a publicly humiliating fashion. Grown men give us a wide berth for fear the gangly black labrador might jump them. Pussies. He's a black lab!
This city is not my friend today.
Love and Marriage
Reader Comments (60)
Luckily, your distance can be solved by the world's major airlines. And it soon will.
[Musical cue: "We have all the time in the world." I'd go with the Fun Lovin Criminals version today, but the Louis Armstrong one is priceless.]
But none of them can approach the vivid anxiety and desperate beauty of reading Monica's blog and, soon after, going to a Marah show and hearing, "The Apartment".
Long distance marriage must be terribly difficult to pull off, god knows it's hard enough when there's no proximity problem whatsoever. Keep fighting, writing and telling it like it is. You two are bright lights when the world is dark.
That's a great post, if you just made that up and have never said any of that before I will give you the "post of the day award".
That's fucking clever, I don't care if you have said it before, nice job.
In fact, this here comment sounds crass next to your superb words.
Damn!
One thing for sure, if you felt nothing, I'd worry.
The city is an enticing place to visit, but the mountain's, countryside, and woods...ahhh yes...that's where you truly can hear yourself think.
Someplace quiet and beautiful.
She never shuts up.
NYC can beat you down, for sure.
But every once in awhile something happens there, a thing that could happen nowhere else, and it makes all of the city's borderline eccentricities and improprieties seem worth it.
At those moments, you wouldn't want to be anywhere else for all the fir trees in the world.
Monica, very well done post. I can see it, feel it, hear it.
I never stuck out any long distance-required relationships - I bailed or cheated or got dumped. I would do it, if I had to, for Nick but probably with more reprehensions than any marriage can withstand.
So hats off to you and Jen and everyone else who makes it works when distance is thrown into the ever-maddening mix of modern love.
While I know a little of how you feel, not completely. Just think, a little girl who hasn't seen her daddy since Xmas. If he isn't able to make a visit in those few short days they have off next month then who knows when she'll get to see him?
I feel your pain a little, I do.
I love your writing. I'm a native Utahn now living in New York as well. I don't think I ever really knew how much I loved and needed the mountains when I lived in UT. Now I physically crave them - they give me a peace and calm I can't find anywhere in this city. I have visions every week about renting a car and driving up to the Adirondacks. Somehow that never seems to happen though . . . .
Keep writing. You've got a gift!
As my mother has always told me, time and time again...Patience is a virtue. And a lesson that never ends.
It only kind of got worse when we spoke on the phone or did the messenger-chat-video thing cause the real touching we wanted was still missing and it seemed so useless to do.. But then again I always thought "hey, we are a couple totally in love, aren't we supposed send messages all day long?? So why the fuck didn't he send me any message today??" He wouldn't cheat on me but I was extremely jealous about everyone who was able to share time with him.
One of the few german words he learned was "Sehnsucht" which means "longing"..
We said we’d walk together baby come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we’re walkin a hand should slip free
I’ll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me
We swore we’d travel darlin’ side by side
We’d help each other stay in stride
But each lover’s steps fall so differently
But I’ll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me
Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So let’s make our steps clear that the other may see
And I’ll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me
Now there’s a beautiful river in the valley ahead
There ’neath the oak’s bough soon we will be wed
Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees
I’ll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me
Darlin’ I’ll wait for you
Should I fall behind
Wait for me
- Bruce Springsteen
Monica at least will get to see The Surge soon. My daughter on one hand never knows for sure when she will get to see her daddy even when he says he'll be down for a visit such and such time, that get's bumped off the schedule due to other things. I get impatient myself. I enjoy seeing my friend as well, spending time with him, feeling some normalcy myself.
Anyways, I think Monica knew I meant no harm from what I say. Sometimes I want to hear someone can relate to the pain I feel or what I may be feeling or going through. It's nice to know your not alone.
Italy is closer now Monica...<sigh> You lucky bitch. (I mean that in the most humorous manner)
I am so sorry to have made you feel like I was bitching at you! Now I feel stupid for what I wrote - it totally wasn't meant that way. Sorry again Fiabug.
No sorries needed. And don't feel stupid for what you wrote. Just a clarification was needed is all. It's all good.
I wish there is something that I could say to make Monica feel better - but I have nothing that can do that - so I won't even try....hence the lyrics. Bruce says things much better than I can.
:)
I'm just a bit ancy tonight. May have taken it a bit more personal, as I sometimes do, than I should have.
My daughter and I are just missing 1 part of our family. It happens. I just hope we aren't disappointed with a no visit. I need a night out with my drinking buddy and our friends. And my daughter needs a day or two with her buddy/daddy to jump on, beat up on and go for walks and learn about the constellations at night. :)
Everytime I've been a stone,
everytime I've been the wind,
when I stood
and when I ran away,
I had a necklace
with the days I've seen:
sometimes I ate them,
sometimes they ate me.
But if I can always smile towards the sunset,
the circle will always be a wheel.
Let me just spell it out anyway, then I'll go on my way. Monica, this isn't ever gonna change unless he makes a career change. He isn't going to make a career change because music is his life. So just get ready for more of the same and believe me, it gets a lot worse more down the line. Oops, I forgot to be CHEERY! Adios.
Post loud and proud, and I hope that you find occasion to rejoice sometime soon. And that your loved ones can be big part of it. Elliot Smith had it right:
"All I want now is happiness for you and me".
Mindbogglingly simple, but the absolute truth.
On a side note, anybody in NYC thinking about the Adirondacks should do it. Go climb Mt. Marcy, it will slake your Mountain thirst.
Joan, what a difficult situation. Is your husband in a band too?
But as Yoda said,
"Do or Do Not, there is no try."
So I guess I won't be a Jedi any time soon.
best of luck on keeping it together.
Nail on the head, Atlanta. Seems like, unless there is passion (be it the good kind or bad) one of the parties feels like the other one doesn't miss them or doesn't care enough..
The space seems farther when imagination is your only communication.
Understanding and believing as your only saving grace.
It is lonely on this side of the lake
but more alone is the soul in the unfamiliar.
Someone through whom all Utavians can be linked?
Kevin Bacon filmed Footloose in Utah.. perhaps there is an illigitimate child he fathered with an extra in the movie.