Ahem. *Taps microphone* Is this thing on?
YOWZA! Coming up for air after a month of diligently watching eighties/nineties sitcom reruns. Sure my work at the news station carves into my viewing time, but despite the inconvenience of earning a living I am KICKING YOUR ASS at television watching (amen sister!) I've decided I'm going to provide my own back-up choir for this post. I like the encouragement (right on sister friend!) See? Cool, huh?
It's important to note I've now seen every single episode of ROSEANNE 12 times and am now assiduously working my way through a fourth run of MAD ABOUT YOU (the stellar programmers at Nick-At-Nite finally saw fit to add it to the rotation, WOO HOO!) The workload is cumbersone because more often than not I want to sock Helen Hunt squarely in her pointy little face. But so far I've kept at it. I power through, my friends. The reward? I get to see Paul and Jamie Buchman argue about that one thing and then Paul is slightly befuddled and Jamie is bitchy and then they make up. My stamina is aMAZing (uh huh!) Now, I don't mean to grandstand here but it just goes to show you really can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it (sing it, sister!) I'm nearly to Jamie's pregnant years.
After painstaking practice, oftentimes working throughout the night and most of the day, I've also mastered the art of watching two sitcoms at once (brag!). Sometimes, at 8am I just can't decide between that donkey Tony Danza (he's my boyfriend I can talk about him like that.. we've seen each other TWICE (you're so jealous!) at Starbucks) or the charmingly doofy Tim Allen.
Sometimes I'll get a wild hair and paddle on down the river of drivel to DAWSON'S CREEK to hang with Suri's doe-eyed mom and The Creek's namesake.. But most of the time, when I watch those teens flex vocabulary muscles that rival Dickens and stress about EVERY SINGLE THING I end up craving a cigarette to calm my nerves.. and I don't smoke! Reminds me of the old days, watching PARTY OF FIVE...dead parents, alcoholics and child services, OH MY! So I opt for Zach and that dazzling head of golden hair and the equally delicious gang at Bayside High instead.
Everything always works out at the end of thirty minutes.. Even the time Jessie got hooked on uppers in, like, three hours. I mean, I was freaked! I was on the edge of the couch! It was a close call. We coulda lost her, kids. But in a surprising twist, Zach saved the day. Well played, young man. You saved our girl from certain death by caffeine pills.
But the crew at The Creek... Well, Dawson STILL hasn't come out of the closet and the kid that has is caught up in the high stakes world of pledging fraternities. Will he make it? The suspense is maddening! On a positive note, Samantha Micelli is filling out nicely. I'm up to her stone cold fox years.
I hit The Wall around one o'clock in the afternoon. YES,DEAR is over, the Soap Operas are monopolizing the big networks, I've already seen the episode of THE SURREAL LIFE VH1 is airing for the 462 time, MTV is trying to shovel YO MOMMA down our throats and I am SO not a tool. Incidentally, damn I'm hungry... I could really use an Almond Joy.. Hey - sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't. Where was I? Oh! I am SO not a tool so I opt out of that MTV carnage. Sorry Wilmer, but your show is so bad even yo momma changes the channel (Oh, snap!)
But this is when TV viewing is strictly for the big guns. Wussies need not apply. Normally JUDGE JUDY isn't my thing. I consider myself above the fray, if you know what I mean. Like, when my landlord once stiffed me on my deposit (what's a couple holes in the wall? Ain't he ever heard of spackle?) I didn't take him to court, I just let the dog pee on the carpet (total burn!)
Or the time I was drunk and drove onto the curb and hit that guy. Really, it was more like I bumped him... Couple broken ribs, I later heard. Think you'd see me on JUDGE JUDY? Hell no! I just gave the guy a blow job and I was on my way before the ambulance even got there. Sweet fella told the po-lice it was a hit and run. What a prince!
My point is, I have my standards.. and JUDGE JUDY falls well below my line of demarcation. But I watch goddamit! I dig deep. If needs be I rely on back-up reservoirs of strength in the form of chips and cheese and I POWER THROUGH the dross until Oprah ushers me into the ograsm of television watching, Prime Time. Because I am a professional. I do it for the starving kids in Africa (can I get an AMEN!) Not really, but it sure sounded good, that starving kids bit, didn't it?
YOU would have given up halfway through JUDGE JUDY, probably right around the time the pseudo news reporter/actor interviews the plaintiff and the defendant after that sassy Judge Judy gives 'em the business then makes her ruling.. But I hang in there for the next case. That's the difference between you and me.