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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Sunday
Apr022006

Let's Get It On, Sugar

I was on the receiving end of oral sex last night. Strange, that hasn't been a part of the Bielanko repertoire lately. It should be. I get mired down in the funk of life and forget how nice it is to heed Marvin Gaye's wise words. Sometimes, when you're so tired you can't be bothered to wash your face, sex can morph into another item to tick off on the Things To Do list. That's when you desperately need to pull out the black platform boots and get busy.

I don't care who reads this blog. I don't care IF you read this blog. I can't not write what I wanna write because certain people are reading. Unless what I want to say is potentially hurtful to them.. but I have lines drawn in my head.

For mental release, thought organization, it has become necessary for me to type here. So I will continue to do so. There are some lines I won't cross... but really, I can't be bothered to worry too much about what you think about me, whoever you are. If you can relate, in any way, that makes me happy. If I give you cause to chuckle, that makes me laugh. If you think my writing is shit, you needn't feel obligated to tell me so. I have enough self doubt rocketing through my soul without your dose.. Just move on. Anymore there are as many blogs out there as stars in the sky. I'm sure you'll find something that lights your fire.

I actually got recognized walking down the street in Brooklyn yesterday. A pretty blonde girl yelled "Hey! I know you!" from across the street. The Surge and I stopped. I assumed she was a Marah fan and waited for her to cross Bedford Avenue to tell The Surge how much she likes his band. "I live in Manhattan and I love your blog" she says to me. I was stunned. And no S, my recent reticence about blogging is not due to your recognizing me. That actually made my day.

I've engaged in some pretty petty behavior lately. Makes me not like myself so much. I want to bond with women, share common hurts, lift each other up. Transcend the cattiness that was so much a part of our younger years. I want to meet a fanastic girl and celebrate her, not be silently jealous.

There is a woman I work with who is the most amazing, uplifting, positive person. I want to be like her.. Because while she is fabulous and wise, she still acknowledges the silly fights with her husband, googling ex-boyfriends and the like.. She is the perfect blend of woman.. sugar AND spice.

So I move on.. lessons are learned and you can only keep moving forward and try to be better the next time around.

Reader Comments (25)

"When you know better you do better" I think we can all learn from this quote. I think when we stop trying to imporve ourselves we are dead, at least inside. The lessons you speak of are life....you are fighting the good fight and you continue to grow. I love your blog!
April 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermap
'She is the perfect blend of woman.. sugar AND spice.'

Sounds like the two of you have a lot in common Monica! Keep on doing what makes you feel good regardless of what it might solicit. You are talented and inspiring...

'I want to bond with women, share common hurts, lift each other up. Transcend the cattines that was so much a part of our younger years. I want to meet a fantastic girl and celebrate her...'

Keep it coming sister because you are on this exact track. I feel when I log on and read your blog that I have bonded with you and shared common hurts from thousands of miles away...the readers of this blog have met a fantastic girl - you - and we enjoy reading what you have written in celebration of you.


April 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
You know how much I love your blog, and just from reading your posts the last couple of days, it's obvious that you are in a bit of a slump. Be strong. Everyone has them, and it'll get better.
Good girlfriends are hard to find. Don't beat yourself up over it all.
April 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
Oral sex...I remember that! If I recall correctly, it consists of a guy ducking his head lower and lower on my body and me grabbing their head and saying "No, I don't like that" and him saying "Why not?" and me being like "Because I don't like it" and him saying "You've just never had it done right before," and then me rolling my eyes and saying "okay, go on a-head" (pun intended) and me staring at the ceiling wondering when this horribly awkward and slightly uncomfortable experience is going to end.

P.S. I don't believe petty is the right word for you, my dear. Pretty is much more accurate.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Your blog is great, your writing wonderful. You gave me smiles and chuckles and a lot of.."I've felt just like that!" I was actually a little too intimidated to even comment on your blog. So this is my act of bravery today!
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEvangelia
just an FYI, if I saw you and the Surge walking down the street, I'd probably hug you and start singing 'The Hustle' to the Surge.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Oh shit, Sicksadworld... If I had a dime for every guy that said that to me.. (see #63 in More About Me) well, then - I could probably buy a Diet Coke because shit in NY is expensive and a buck or so really ain't that much.. but still, it's about ten guys. Really, that saying is just stupid but you know what I mean. I love you girls and I'm glad you finally commented Evangelia. If you're reading this and you've never commented, just comment already! Say hello, tell me what state you're from. You shouldn't feel stupid. Think of all the fucked up shit you all know about me...

Monica
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Ok, so I'll stop lurking already...! I know what you mean and how you feel, I just posted a blog about missing that one "best friend" myself last week. You make me smile and/or think with every single post - I look forward to your words daily. Why? Because you are you - no excuses, no sugar-coating. And I love it. It takes guts to put it all out there, and you do it every day. I think if I ever made it to NY and saw you, I would feel like I found an old friend.

Oh, and? Still listening to Marah (although I missed the Chicago show because I was frickin SICK) and my daughter still thinks it's pretty cool that she indirectly knows a rock star.

I'll try to comment more, Monica. And hey - check out my blog too, I'd like to hear your thoughts on that as well...

April 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdasi
Monica, New Jersey in the house. I always want to comment then I think oh, she's so sick of hearing my two cents! Anyway, sounds like you're having a weird week. Just keep doing what you do and you'll come out the other end stronger. Also, I think if I ran into you on the street I would be THE biggest dork.

Dasi, I always wondered if you ever got to see Marah. Total bummer you missed the show. Oh well. It looks like they're touring well into the summer
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Note to self: Self, stop telling women, "You've just never had it done right before."
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
i was too, though it was mutual.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
Been lurking for a few weeks now, and really enjoy your blog. I've read some others that claim to be "the naked truth", "so unbelievably honest", etc. (sort of like Beverly Hills 90210 was supposed to depict teenage issues in such an "honest" way, yet the actors were all 30ish and the characters drove Porsches) but I think you are the real deal. I live in the Midwest but it's far from home. Miss my friends, so it's great to get some good old girl talk, even if it's from a stranger!
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
My virginal roommate in college had a guy beg her to let him "make her feel beautiful" his synonym for going down there. She started laughing so hard he had to take her home. And for the rest of the year in our apartment if someone had to be convinced to go anywhere or do anything, we would say, "Ah, come on. I want to make you feel beautiful!"

April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Officially de-lurking.

I agree, we women are so rough on one another.

Someone once told me that the women of whom I should be most frightened are those closest to me. Isn't that heartbreaking? I believed that for a long time, and I think I really, really missed out on knowing a lot of great women. Glad I don't think that anymore.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSusanna
usually I read and lurk, occasionally post, but mostly just think...Isn't she fabulous!!!
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Although I certainly don't mind being called fabulous, my favorite comments are the ones where you tell your stories. Those are the best.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Me, I go back to the whole "people that know me are reading this blog, so should I edit?" comment.

No No and No.

Nobody wants you to lay back. It won't work.

You've gotten this far by being brutally honest. You've also discovered that many others' feel exactly the same way, but don't have the "gift."

You do.

Whenever something makes you cringe, or want to edit yourself, think about that being the writer's G spot. You've found it. Work that groove.

You're not a criminal for thinking the way you think. It's uniquely you. To be able to lay it out in the way that you do is "the gift."

As per the oral sex, Maybe mom-in-law gets a chuckle or a hint of "aw shuck's", but I assure you, she's the fucking coolest human being walking this planet, feeling just as insecure as the rest of us (hello Marian!! Yes it is me!). She believe's too, because she believes in her kid's; all of them.

So don't sugarcoat...kay?

PA boy
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Why are all you ex-Mormon chicks such great writers. Must have had to hold back a lot of stuff all those years that you now feel free enough to be your true self (check out Dooce.com -if you haven't already, she's very popular now but I've been reading her for years) not even sure how I stumbled on this blog but the first time I started to read it, I was hooked. I love your writing style,I wish I could be so candid, so honest, so true to myself.I think we all have so much going on inside ourselves that is hidden from those around us and how freeing it would be to be bold enough to put it out there, and then realize that you really aren't so different, we all have the same doubts, insecurities, broken hearts, etc.. Everyday at lunch (or during work if no ones around) I go back and read your old posts. It's like a great book you can't put down. You are such a talented person. Also, I'm a married woman and I love my husband dearly but my girlfriends mean the world to me. We moved to this new city about three years ago and it has taken about that long to really get to know people and develop true friendships and I wouldn't trade my girlfriends for the world. Good luck to you, I don't know you but to me, I think, you deserve to be surrounded by other great minds. We are naturally drawn to people most like ourselves.

P.S. The oral sex thing: I always thought that if you had a guy that LIKED to do that, you were lucky. But I have since learned most men (including my spouse) love to do it - whether you're into it or not. I could be watching Leno with a mask on my face, eating popcorn and he's all Ready To Go, says he'll keep his head down so I can finish watching my show. WTF??? CAn you even imagine that the other way around?
April 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDFW
If we're all done crying and being mushy, can we get back to talking about oral sex and the girls sending in photos of their titties please? dang. Let's stay "on point", people.
April 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Xmastime, you pervert.. don't scare the new people.
April 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Xmastime - you show us yours and then we will show you ours....

Your move!
April 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Richelle, be careful what you wish for!
April 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
Yeah.. I don't know that you need to be flinging comments like that to Xmastime willy nilly.. He'll generally show you his... unprompted.. many times.
April 4, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Monica,

Thanks for checking out my blog. It's still in its incipient stages so I haven't gotten to posts about oral sex yet. In the meantime, I'll probably stick to the music reviews/commentary and leave the cunning linguist material to you. Your far more gifted at it than I. The writing about it part I mean.
Honestly, "The Girl Who" is one of the best examples of bare-it-all, contemporaneous journal/memoir writing I've ever read. Even the most revealing moments don't embarass me, they tune in so well to the anxieties and inadequacies we all find in our most naked selves (literally and figuravtively).
When is somebody going to option you for an Ex-Mormon memoir? Or has that already been done. I know I'd buy it.
April 6, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
Thanks for the compliment.. Need it now as collecting rejection letters is my part time job..
April 6, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

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