Monday
Mar062006
Ballad of an Insomniac (Float Away)
I can't sleep. My two boys are engaged in an epic snoring competition in the next room. The big black boy sprawled on my side of the bed, the bigger white boy spooning him instead of me. Right now that suits me just fine.
We had a fight a day ago. About what, I don't recall - it's the escalation and subsequent trading of insults that tends to stick to my ribs. It's never the initial disagreement, is it? That's just the fuse, but once it's lit, look out baby - the whole of your transgressions from the past week, month and year are being locked and loaded, ready for strategic firing.
And so we fired our missiles, lobbed our grenades, until we were seriously wounded, nobody left standing. Me, face down on the couch sobbing. He, laying on the bed reading.
A 24 hour stand-off ensued. Monosyllabic sentences uttered only when absolutely necessary.
"You work today?"
"Yeah."
"You walk Max?"
"Yeah."
I tell myself that everyone fights, our elementary antics not uncommon. But not everyone lives their life like my husband. On a cigarette wing and a musical prayer. No thought to tomorrow. And then what? When he fails to stay then he'll fly away, to wake up tomorrow - if he wakes up tomorrow at all.
Only love can stop you now
He needs me
Float Away you're floating
If only to keep him grounded in reality...the semantics of life with which he has yet to make an acquaintance. Will his free spirited approach to living transform me, by default, into the person I never wanted to be? A sexy night consisting of dialing my credit card company to hear the computerized voice purr the dwindling balance of the Visa I work so hard to pay off? Yes. Yes! YES! Tell me more my sweet, electronic, baby. Was it good for you?
Perhaps The Surge will woo me to his side of the street.. because that's where my heart longs to dwell. But if I cross over, who will hold down the fort? Who will organize? Who will make sure to pay utility bills and student loans on time? That piercing thought niggles at my maternal instincts, keeps me from finding my way from this city of gray to his sunnier side of the street. Boy.
Will my demons and his insecurities devour us?
Any time at all
Any kind of blue sky over
Any kind of fall
Could land you on the lonely streets
Of anyone at all
Who's drifting from the arms of Somebody, Somebody, Somebody
Float Away you're floating...
Musicology
Reader Comments (13)
The post by Richelle was very pertinent in that it takes a continuing perpspective for marriages to survive. It's too easy for someone to say, "I've changed," or "you've changed," and break off. That isn't the foundation that a marriage should be built on, and too often people lose the thing that initially drew them together.
I think your desire to go over to the Surge's "side of life" is probably a simplified view of your own sense of what security is, how it makes you feel, and how you can pursue your dream, while still making ends meet.
The financial insecurity of being a "breadwinner" is daunting for us all.
That said, the Surge pursues his muse and art with the vigor and sense of purpose that should eventually lead him (and you), to a place far different and better. Monica, your need to write is no different. If the roles were reversed, (and I see you both, similarly...as artist's), how would things be different? Maybe his "living in the moment" is the only way for the art in him to bloom? Maybe you need conflict, tension, and pressure to create what you create?
That's my take from reading some of this stuff, and I'm just taking the things that I read at face value, with no clear understanding of your actual marital dynamic.
Marriage ain't easy. Lord fuckin' knows, it ain't easy! One thing I do know; keeping tabs on all a person's transgression's (if they even are transgression's?) will eat you and the other person alive. This is the the standard line, but it is better to see the good in folks than the bad.
Luv' on both of ya!
People are doing the best they can do, almost always. Including you. Makes no sense to beat each other up over it, almost always.
janet
That's so very true.. his living in the moment is what attracted me to him. Were he a an office drone, I wouldn't have looked twice.. and really, I never want him to change.. If I had to choose between financial stability and The Surge as he is - there is no question I'd go with the latter.. And about me you are correct as well.. Writing is my therapy.. were I some happy-go-lucky kinda gal all the time - I wouldn't have written my book.
Thank you all for the comments.. I'm so pleased that such insightful, thoughtful, intelligent people are drawn to this blog..
Tomorrow I will wake at 6:45 am. Get the little one up for school, see her out the door to the bus stop and run right back to the warmth of the blankets on my bed and go back to sleep, sleep until 10:30-12:30 sometimes. Thank god I go back to work in a week and a half.
Being an insomniac is for the birds. It was much cooler being one when I was younger, didn't have a kid and worked nights. LOL
Haven't used it since, though, happy to say. I have much more difficulty with the waking up part than the falling asleep part.