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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Wednesday
Mar222006

Beautiful Bones... Or What Happens When Monica Watches Too Much CSI

You walk all over me. My DNA is caked to the bottom of your shoes, but you don't know I'm here. I've been here a long time. Waiting. My crumbling bones fertilizing the earth, becoming one with the cold, damp soil.

I was alive once. Like you. I laughed, I cried. I laughed until I cried. I loved. As much as a 16 year old girl can love. In many ways, I've decided the love of one so young is feverish, more vibrant than the quiet love I saw between my parents. Theirs was a tired love. The kind of love that groans like an exhausted old man when forced to get up off the couch. They'd been together so long it seemed not so much a choice as a routine. Old habits die hard, like me. The act of my parents holding hands not dissimilar to the brushing of teeth. Occasionally their love simmered, like the chicken soup Mom used to make on cold winter evenings, like tonight. But unlike the soup, I never saw their love boil.

I think about that a lot. And I think about Jacob. What might have been. Would our love have become weary, limping forward out of habit? As father time nibbles at my decaying flesh - long gone now - and my once fashionable jogging suit disintegrates into mildewed scraps, I think... I have lots of time to think.

I replay that last night over and over again. Each time imagining myself living it differently. Living. One seemingly insignificant change and it might have ended differently - or it might not have ended at all. I would be there with you, instead of here, a mangled marriage of bone and fabric, slowly decomposing in my improvised grave.

"Wanna watch Sleepless In Seattle with me? It just came out on video." my little sister asked.
"I'm going to go for a quick jog first"
"When you get back?"
"When I get back." I affirmed.

Only I never made it back. He stepped out of the darkness, sweaty palm clamped securely over my mouth and nose before I could scream. Before I could breath. Salty, sausage fingers hooked into my cheek and pulled me away.

My 98 pound struggle, no match for his hulking girth. Branches tore at my bare arms as he forced me deeper into the darkest corner of the park. The sour stench of stale sweat infiltrated my world and my mind exploded. Air rushed from my lungs with the force of a popped balloon.

He kissed me hard, rubbed his sandpaper jaw jaggedly across my cheeks. His thick, wet tongue pried my lips apart, insinuating itself in my mouth. I bucked ferociously, but my arms were pinned into the cold earth that would become my final resting place.

Eventually I gave in. Submission. Hoping he would have his way and leave me to find my way. Home. To warmth and light. To my sister and Sleepless In Seattle casting flickering blue-gray shadows across her sweet face.. Home to Mom reading in bed, Dad tinkering in the basement and Shadow snoring on the carpet. Familiarity. Dazzling in it's sameness.

Ultimately he left me - but I never found my way home. As he grunted on top of me like an animal, he wrapped his meaty hands around my throat and squeezed until I saw beautiful bursts of light. Bright reds, yellows and oranges.. Then blues, purples and black. And then nothing. And now this. Waiting. To be found. For my bones to tell the story of my death. And then my life.

A 16 year old girl went on a jog once and never returned.

Reader Comments (36)

Oh, Monica.

How many have you just spoken for?

Too many.
Far too many.
March 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Way too vivid and realistic, but nicely written. I'll will never let my daughter out of the house now.
March 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbob
You need professional help. And p.s. your writing sucks.
March 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLila
Very "Lovely Bones". Have you read it? It's good up until the end.

I keep thinking about that poor girl who left the bar...it makes me feel lucky my friends and I survived our running around crazy years.
March 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Lila wrote: "You need professional help. And p.s. your writing sucks."

Oh so judgemental! And p.s. solution is DON'T READ if it sucks!
March 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Yeah, I've read Lovely Bones. Definitely sounds similar, doesn't it?

Lila, welcome to The Girl Who. And p.s. your comment sucks.

March 22, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Anyone who posts that someone else's work sucks is just jealous. Most people when they don't like something say nothing. To go out of your way to say something rude is another way of saying you're jealous. Monica, I'd just take it as a compliment and keep up the interesting writing.
March 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFOX
Lila is jealous and clearly a shitty writer if that is all she could come up with.
March 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
Monica, very flattering if your anti-fans read too. The Girls Who is Addictive.

I don't get the professional help part, I am sure that requires some professional help...


March 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercrazygoing
again, why would somebody post a comment just to say "this sucks"? it's beyond my realm of comprehension. and no, lila, it actually doesn't suck. at all. constructive criticism is one thing. debate is one thing. what you did is juvenile and asinine. i don't watch hockey. y'know why? because i don't enjoy watching hockey. i didn't go see "failure to launch". y'know why? because i knew i wouldn't enjoy it. did i write sidney crosby or sarah jessica parker a letter telling them they suck? nope. do i attend hockey games or screenings of "failure" and shout "this sucks!" halfway through? nope. y'know why? because i'm not four years old anymore, and i don't fool myself into thinking that my opinion means anything to anyone other than myself. if you don't like it, don't. fucking. read. it.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Monica I thought this was a great tale, so vivid it felt like I was right there with her watching in the background. Makes me want to know if anybody found her? What happened to the fellow who did this to her? I want more, definitely if I was reading this on the back of a novel jacket I would buy the book just to see how it ends out. Keep up with the amazing work chicka :)
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCarazy Cashew
I just had to respond after the ridiculous comment I read of yours over on S. Klein’s site. You're going to cut somebody huh? You're sad. Could this website (and you for that matter) be trying any harder to be Miss Klein? From the "things about me" list, to the pics, to the posts about dinner parties. It’s fucking pathetic. Maybe you should start living your own like and take your mouth off of that woman’s tit. Jesus, it’s disgusting. And contrary to what you believe, not everyone is jealous of her. She makes a lot of us sad for the shit she spews. She threatens to sue people that make websites making fun of her writing "style". She's got fat girl syndrome. That's all it is. But lonely women like you make her popular. Congrats.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlison
Boy yes I'd say it's jealousy as well. Someone making up a site just to "make fun of" someone's writing style. Talk about having no life.

So much hatred for someone you don't even know. That is what's quite sad. And makes you quite lonely in my eyes that you have to keep spewing hatred.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Youza, such negativity! Wait, I read Greek Tragedy, I love it, as much as I love Monica's! They are both VERY nice people who spill out their guts on a blog and let us read it everyday! I think we have all discovered what great writers both these women are! They are totally different, both have different attributes that we all can relate too, which is why we read them and enjoy them! We get to come here, post WHATEVER we want, and they read it and respond! You aren't just another person, they actually know you and respond to what you say! Makes ya feel good! I say Monica should be flattered to be compared to Stephanie, and Stephanie should be flattered to compared to Monica, GREAT WOMEN! Thanks for writing and sharing your lives!
Back to the bones, kinda scared me! I open my garage, pull in, and before I get out of the car I close the garage door, that is what kind of scaredy cat I am! :)
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Fat girl syndrome? Huh?

If women like Monica and Stephanie annoy you so much, why do you continue to read? You have the choice not to. Something keeps you coming back to read, to analyze and give insults instead of constructive critism.

I only dream of being able to write like Monica. To let the words flow from my mind and my fingertips. To use metaphors, play on words to describe things I may feel.

Jen that's not really being a scaredy cat, it's about being safe. As sad as it is someone could easily sneak behind you after driving in your garage. It's happened before many times. Being safe and cautious is good.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Oh lord... Here's the deal folks.. The negative girls are pissed I came to a friend of mine's defense when they made shitty comments about her. She had an abortion once, and now she's trying to have a baby.. Someone made the callous comment that because she can't yet get pregnant - it's because she had an abortion. I s'pose I could have ignored the comment like a proper adult, but it hit a nerve with me and I responded.. half in jest, half seriously.

Anyhow, these people are connecting here from Stephanie Klein's site because they're mad I came to her defense.

Hey Alison, I ain't polite like Stephanie. Nor am I some politically correct internet nerd that will "walk away" when someone treats me or someone I know badly.. Hence; Go fuck yourself. I absolutely got the idea for this site from Stephanie Klein. And my tip is if SK makes you "sad" for what she spews, either write your own shit or don't read. It's really that simple..

Giving someone constructive criticism about writing - or even voicing your opinion - is one thing. Just being an asshole is another matter entirely.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I hate coming in alone!!! I talk really loudly about a gun I have in my purse, which is a bunch of BS, but it makes me feel better. Where I live is at the intersection of two dead end streets, then a wooded area, so they could kill me and run! Awful to say, but true! I also walk in with my sticking out between two fingers so I can stab them! I think I got that off of some email forward!! LOL
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Hey Alison, sounds like you're the lonely one. Investing so much time in reading stuff that makes you sick. I'd wager you're the chubby one with fat girl syndrome. At least SK lost the weight. Maybe go start you're own blog instead of spending so much time on other peoples? Monica has often said SK inspired this blog. It says so in her link section. If defending a friend is sucking tit I'd rather do that then be a negative bitch any day. I actually don't enjoy SK's blog. It's too girly and Sex and the City for me. Monica's style is different. Edgier. Funnier. Why don't you and Lila (who I am sure is also you) read a bit before you start up with the negativity?
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
By the way Monica, this post gave me chills. Made me wonder how many times I've walked over someone's grave and didn't know it. Sadly, this kind of thing happens all too often. Especially in New York City. Did you here they finally charged that guy with the grad student's murder?
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
"Sadly, this kind of thing happens all too often. Especially in New York City."

No. NOT especially in New York City. EVERYWHERE.

Manhattan is one of the safest places in the US,

The one thing I will say is it is HUGE news when a pretty, educated, young white girl gets killed. I've lived in NYC four years and there have been four murders of 4 pretty educated white girls that made headlines. But when a minority from a poor neighborhood gets killed in the exact same way, it might get a small blurb in the back of the paper.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterYellow
Yellow - was just discussing that yesterday in the newsroom when we were talking about whether we should break in to regular programming to report the grand jury indictment.. What the fuck? Murders happen all the time and suddenly we're all fired up over this white grad student? Same thing happened in SLC when I covered the Elizabeth Smarth disappearance.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Exactly. I read, about 2 months ago about a stripper who was BEHEADED by her boyfriend on the upper east side. It did not get this kind of press.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterYellow
i'd just like to point out that the grad student wasn't, in fact, white. but she was a grad student.

grad student = person
stripper = persona non grata

as for the people who use their time and energy to come over here and sling insults, i believe they are afflicted with cyber courage. it's sort of like liquid courage, except where liquid courage makes you say inappropriate things to members of the opposite sex in darkened bars, cyber courage enables you to insult people you don't know and will probably never have to see face to face. it's also known in it's more common terms as "being a pussy."
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercarey
That's right, St. Guillen was hispanic.. But she was pretty - which in the media's eyes is the same thing as being white.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Oddly enough, the entry made me think of the most recent Sopranos' dream sequence with a critically injured Tony apparently in purgatory.

The narrator's voice, that is.

This particular entry raises so many question's and feeling's inside me that I can't possibly put it all down on a page.

I don't know about all the insults flying back and forth, but the entry chilled me to the bone; as it was supposed to.

Good work!
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
I just came over from Stephanie Klein's site to commend you for sticking up for her. You said what I wanted to say but didnt. She gets so much flack from all sides and I'm not sure why. She's just doing her thing, like we all are. I've been reading your blogs and am struck by your eloquent, edgy, hilarious writing style. You made a new reader out of me.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterElla
Y'know, something that always spins my head around is when someone disappears. Particularly women. I can't wrap my brain around what a parent - or a spouse - must feel when someone simply vanishes. In all likelihood, the above scenario is the tragic end most women meet.. and it always bothers me.. That they're out there somewhere.. and we don't know where, or what happened.
March 23, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Fuck Joe. That news story just made me so sick to my stomach.

The awful thing is that trafficking with little girls is commonplace all over the world. I'd prefer Monika's "bones" destiny anyday over being a man's play thing.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
Friends of mine and their two daughters were murdered Jan 1st. Yes they were white, yes it got a lot of publicity. Maybe because they were white? I don't know. I was glad to see it because they were my friends. And anyone who savagely murders two precious little children who are pretty much defenseless, makes me say give it all the news coverage you can give it. Regardless of color or prominency they have in the society.

I think whenever anyone disappears or they are suspected to have been kidnapped it should get national attention regardless of color, creed or how much money they or their family is worth.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Yeah, me too Niedlchen, I suppose.

The whole thing got me thinking about the afterlife and what becomes of the souls' of these people? The victims? The victimizer's?

As I said, there is SO much more to that journal entry than abduction, rape, and murder.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
There's some sick people in this world. All too often, they get the media coverage, and their victims disappear into memory. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of the victim.

If there is a hell, there's a special place reserved for these predator assholes.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUtahSpanky
And as per the Harvey's in Richmond, Fiabug, that still gives me the shivers.
Imagine being in that basement and watching the lives of your parent's or your children being snuffed out; knowing it was a matter of minutes before it also would happen to you?
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
This is why I don't watch CSI anymore.

Monica, can we get a Max story?


janet
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
This should lighten the mood. I've watched it four times and still giggle when he does the little kick in the air.

http://www.thegirlwho.squarespace.com/display/ShowJournal?moduleId=502291&currentPage=2
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
would be cool right now if someone showed their tits. all Im saying.
March 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime

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