Okay.. Since I unleash all manner of obscenities at the television I figured I may as well type 'em up for posterity and what not.. Live and uncensored!
Let's do this:
While I dig the Gorillaz music those cartoons fucking freak me out.. They terrified me as a child at Chuck E. Cheese (remember the keyboard playing Gorilla?) they're equally horrifying now. Is this what rock'n'roll has come to? Cartoons? Also, who the fuck are the Gorillaz? Are we all just pretending like we know what this cartoon thing is about? Is there a real band? Do they tour? Never mind. I don't care.
Madge! Ass harder than two unripe peaches. I'd hate to run into her flexible form in a dark alley.... Chrissake! She looks like the Incredible Hulk's wife... Secretly I would love to see our girl tumble off the stage.. That would rock! Sadly, her music doesn't.. Give me all the shit you want (even you James, my gay ambassador).. she can't sing and I'm bored of her "changing persona"... Yeah yeah.. she's clever, she's been whoring around for decades and she owns most of the world.. Girlfriend still can't sing. (Gay men everywhere are planning the takeover of this blog)
"Ring ring ring goes the telephone".. I need to be in a club, drunk from Kristal, on ecstasy, making out with Clive Owen to enjoy this music.. and even then I might have him just come out to my car where I could throw on a CD instead... I'd hate to associate my boyfriend Clive with that song. Damn though, our Madge looks good for 80..
Stevie Wonder blind jokes.. Yawn..
Obligatory applause for Coretta Scott King... I can dig it. It is Black History Month.. They were enslaved for centuries.. 30 seconds of air time on CBS oughtta make up for it..
Female Vocal Performance - NOT MARIAH, NOT MARIAH, PLEASE NOT MARIAH.. NOT MARIAH, NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH......... Kelly Clarkson! Woo hoo.. I am down with Kelly.. The girls got some pipes.. Aww - very heartfelt... Take that Gwen Stefani! Go smear on more red lipstick and stagger around your London manse peering at yerself in the mirror whilst what is left of your baby duck fuzz hair desintegrates. You lost me after Rock Steady. I ain't your hollaback girl.
WTF is up with Chris Martin and his hand band-aid/art? Gotta say.. loved the first two Cold Play albums but I'm done with his Jeff Buckley stylings and his annoying Bono-esque proclamations about the state of the world. Your wife is as pretentious as you are you privelaged British fuck! Look at him melodramatically crawling all over the audience.. I'll take this opportunity to relieve my bladder.. Nothin' like marriage to a born and bred wealthy American actress to suck the rock star right outta ya.. if it was ever there in the first place.
Sugarland - nothing worse than countrified pop. Except maybe that godawful contrived, "country" accent. Amen y'all.
Best country album - I can't tell the difference between all the singers.. To summarize - some folks was nominated and somebody named Alison Krause is collecting a trophy
U2 and Mary J. Blige - every year they shove unlikely folks together i.e. Elton John and Eminem as a crowd wower.. Whatever..
Best Rap Album - Kanye... No surprise here.. We're losin' him to the bling bling beautiful people though. He wore riding gloves and a white suit on stage.. Sweet lord.
Billy Jo Armstrong and Gwen are presenting - Gwen's porkin' up.. you so know she's been starving herself for the past five years.. now that she's preggers we gonna see the REAL Gwen.. All 150 pounds of her.
Best Rock Album - Coldplay is rock? Oh, I see.. Suburban rock.. and U2 wins.. Yawn.. I swear to god, if Bono tells me about the starving kids in Africa I will lash out...
ELLEN. Introducing Paul McCartney.. "This next performer needs no introduction." Then walks off stage.. Love me some Ellen
Paul McCartney.. Stop destroying your legacy already. Put the guitar down and step away.. Easy now.. Sloooowly.. No sudden movements.
Mariah.. Rapunzel, rapunzel... what's with your hair? Her boobs look like two overripe pumpkins trying to escape from the indignitiy of being attached to Mariah Carey.. Anna Nicole Smith in training.. Mariah in five years is Anna from three years ago.. If she makes a wardrobe change midsong I'm switching over to American Idol, I swear to god..
Teri Hatcher, you publicity stunt whore you..Whatchoo wearin' girl? If your dress is in all the magazines tomorrow you will be victorious! J-lo wannabe.. go back to the Desperate Housewives set..
Is it just me or does James Taylor look perpetually stoned? Affable fellow.
Keith Urban.. take advantage of yer grammy time lil' fella.. You're only here cuz you be datin' The Thunder From Down Under.. Your hair highlights look great though, who's your stylist?
Jay-Z, still love him - duo with Linkin Park - Eh... another of those Elton/Eminem things... I hate when I'm not liking something.. then everyone in the grammy audience gives it a standing ovation like it's the greatest thing since the invention of tampons.. News whores watch that reaction and instead of formulating their own opinion, said performance will be lauded for days and I'm wondering - Did you people WATCH? Or are you just saying it was good because you're supposed to? Grammy ovations mean nothing anyway.. They're just because nobody wants to be caught on camera being The Asshole That Didn't Stand Up for Mariah's tearful rendition of.. surprise!... her back catalog!
Tom Hanks with creepy porn star hair introducing Bruce Springsteen.. I love me some harmonica.. hmmm...Wonder why?
Destiny's Child - y'think Beyonce's parents make the girls let Beyonce stand in the middle?
Song of the Year - fucking U2.. while Bono is waxing poetic, let me share my favorite Bono story.. Ever see that video when he was struttin' 'round the stage midshow and backstepped right off the catwalk? Damn that was funny.. I laughed and laughed..
PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT... Kanye and Jamie Foxx.. lovin' the marching band.. if yer toe wasn't tappin' your heart wasn't beating.. black girls be steppin' and chantin'.. makin' me ashamed of my bland vanilla self..
Kanye, you're great and all, but Outkast did it a few years back and remains my first love..
Sheryl Crowe, post Lance.. Her chest is imploding!.. completely concave.. perhaps that's why Lance hit the road... if feelin' up little boys was his thing, why not date Nicole Ritchie? Perhaps he's headed there now.. she IS single..
Record of the Year - Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams.. Billy Joe should never speak. Ever. He sounds like Bill Gates.. just sing Billy.. just sing.. It's like hearing a song and you think the artist is American, then you hear them talk in some wanky accent and you're like, huh?...What the? That's how Billy is making me feel with his nasal nerdboy voice.
Christina Aguilera..No, it's Gwen Stefani.. Wait it's Christina!.. No Gwen.. Oh - it's Christina....Nobody can turn a one syllable word into twenty like you baby.. Boobs: real or fake? I remain undecided..
Album of the Year (what's the difference between record and album? And if it's because a record means song, then what the fuck is the song of the year?) NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH.... YIPPPEEEE.. Those U2 oldsters can have it if it keeps it outta Mariah's manicured mitts.
And that's a wrap..thanks for tuning in.