I can't sleep. It's six in da A.M and I can't sleep. Max's paw kept thumping my rib cage as he chased squirrels through dream land and The Surge kept drunk texting me from a bar somewhere in Washington. He seems to have forgotten I'm three hours ahead of him. Last text I got said "I'm okay! Just a flesh wound." Good lord. What exactly is it boys do when celebrating the Super Bowl anyway?
Finally I stopped kidding myself and crawled groggily out of bed. The jig is up. I ain't sleepin' no more tonight. For the past hour I've been entertaining myself by reading through my old journals.. One in particular caught my eye.
I've never mentioned it but after this incident in my life, I immersed myself in all things Mormon. So much so that I nearly drowned.
Because of our 'outrageous iniquity', Matt's freakishly devout Mormon parents wouldn't allow him to start high school if I was there and threatened to move him to Salt Lake City. Because he was a football star at our high school, I opted to let him stay and moved to lonesome exile at my Aunt's house in Idaho.. That lasted about two months, but was long enough for me to lose my mind a bit.
Ultimately I moved back to Orem to graduate from my hometown high school.. and get involved with Matt once again. That's where the following journal entry comes in:
Wow. It's 1995. The year I graduate. I'm so embarrassed about the events that have taken place in my life. I don't even want to admit them. I came home from Idaho after first term of school. I got home in the first week of November so I've been home for going on four months now. Idaho seems like a distant dream. Another person. I've gone through such a range of emotions since I've been home. I saw Matt and we decided that we wouldn't see each other outside of school. That quickly changed. He's my best friend. It's so hard to stay away from him. I should have stayed in Idaho but I was so miserable. It's hard on both Matt and me. Because of what we did, his parents absolutely will not allow him to be with me so he has to lie about where he goes. I can't call him. He has a bishops interview every week. Today, in fact. I don't know what he says to him. I don't know if Matt lies about us or what. I try not to think about it. I know I'm gutless, but it's like I've given up because I just screw up over and over again. I feel like it's worthless to keep trying. I'm beating around the bush because I don't want to say something but I'm going to be completely honest in this journal. Matt and I have done bad stuff again. A lot. We haven't done IT, but we get close. After every time we are so disgusted with ourselves but we can't help it. I guess this means I'm not sorry, not repentant, but I am. I don't know what's wrong with my. I try and talk with Heavenly Father and I am so apologetic but then I do bad things with Matt. We know we are bad for each other when it comes to morality, but we love each other so much. I think so much about the baby I gave up. I wonder if he automatically goes to heaven or if he gets to go into another mothers life. Did I give up the right to my baby forever? Did I know him and love him in the pre-existence? My baby would be due about now sometime. Does my baby hate me? I need so much to repent of this. If it hurts now, what about when I stand before God? I am so ripped up inside. I am so ashamed. Things at school are okay. When I came home everyone asked me why I went to Idaho. I just told them I had to get more credit to get back into Mountain View High School. Most people believe that. But there is a rumor going around about what I did. I guess if I really did it, it's not a rumor. Guess who started it? None other than this guy. He kind of figured it out. We were kind of friends when I came home because we sit next to each other in Biology. I can honestly say Landon Bye is one person I dislike and that we will never get along. I give up trying to like him. There are a couple people at school who bother me but other than that, I really like people there. If yout take the time to get to know people there are some really neat personalities out there. I'm doing school work like crazy to make up my credits that I missed at the end of last year. I'm going to do it though. After all the stuff that's happened I'm actually going to graduate. I'm glad that I wrote in this journal finally. It's good to have someone to confide in. Before this I haven't talked about it at all. My friend Jen Freese is pregnant and getting married. Her bridal shower was yesterday. I'm jealous that she is having a baby. I am jealous because she chose the right way. I'm not really jealous, but I wish I would have done that. You know? I don't know what else to say. I'm so lost in life.