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Friday
Feb032006

Monica: Da Generous Swinger


THIS CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE 3 DAYS BEFORE THE SURGE SKIPPED TOWN

"It dawned on me today that I've been in love with another woman for some time and I didn't realize it until just now."
I pause, turkey sandwich en route to my expectant mouth. A piece of tomato breaks from it's breaded prison and swings along the sandwich edge like a monkey on bars. As The Surge and I stare at each other in silence, the rogue tomato lands on my plate.
"PLOP!"

"Who is she?" I struggle to swallow the sandwich that now tastes like kindergarten paste.
The Surge freezes, now his back is to me, his cold shoulder a stark contrast to the hot frying pan he attends to.
"You aren't going to like this." His voice is barely audible over the popping and sizzling chicken.
"Just tell me who it is!"

He turns, his eyes clamp on mine. The Surge breaks the deadlock first and, like a rapid butterfly, his eyes skitter to our dog Max for help. Max sighs. Thick, gray dog lips flapping in an exhalation of Pupperoni laced breath. Finding no solace in our pet, my husband has no choice but to confess his sins.

"It occurred to me today that I am in love with..." He stops, takes a deep breath then finishes.. "Ellen Degeneres."
My mouth drops open displaying lumpy sandwich remnants the consistency of oatmeal.
"You love Ellen?"
He nods slowly, shamefully.
"I do too!" I shriek.
"I thought you'd make fun of me."
"But she's so funny! Did you see today's show---"
"I like the way she dresses," The Surge jumps in. "She leaves a little mystery, but I picture her body all sexy-like."
"Me too!"

The Surge dreamily continues his soliloquy, "she makes me laugh in the morning and her smile is just so.. so.. genuine!" He smiles to himself while reminiscing about this morning's episode of Ellen's talk show. "Her eyes are pretty too.. Like the ocean near a tropical beach.."
"I bet she eats pussy like nobody's business!" I shout. "I soooo have a better shot. But if you're a good boy, maybe I'll invite you for a threesome."

Reader Comments (13)

This was just hilarious! Ellen.....YEAH! I like watching her too. :)
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Now that my friend is a healthy marriage. I love that you two are best friends.
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlissa
Oh this is absolutely classic. The ex confessed his love for Martha Stewart one night. He never lived that down. I called his mom right away to tell her, I swear you could hear the confusion in her voice.

It somehow worked to my advantage though...I got to watch Martha Stewart Weddings on any given day without a complaint. shudder*
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJasika
I love Ellen! Her girlfriend is hot too. (The one from Ally McBeal) That was so funny.
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Ellen's definitely got something going on!

I've had my eye on her since the HBO comedy specials she was on back in the early 90s. Much better hairdo nowadays... although I'm positively "Gush"ing over Leisha Hailey.

Gotta get off the phone now, she might be trying to call...
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
My boy has a thing for Ellen too! He was crushed when he found out she was gay and thus had no chance with her were they ever to meet. You should try to find the issue of Allure magazine she was in. They put her in girl clothes and she really DOES have a sexy body.
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
My husband and I both have a thing for the same porn star (chloe). This morning he even found a Chloe action figure at www.toynk.com. I told him feel free to order it, but have an explanation for the kids when they wonder why it sits next his Uma Thurman and GoGo action figures. Imagine -- porn star action figures!

janet
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Ellen, Martha Stewart, Chloe. okay you've pulled it out of me - I have the biggest girl crush on Rachel Ray!
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Ms. Ray is quite sexy... Did you see her Maxim photo spread a few years back? Was it Maxim? Was definitely one of those whorepipe help mags for men..
February 3, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
heh heh...she said whorepipe!
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChicago Dave
I know! It's my whorepipe debut!
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Ellen's cool. I like her.....but I have a thing for Melissa Ethridge. :-)
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
And hello.... I was just thinking about this today. Who is her girlfriend.... PORTIA! Hot, blonde and funny as hell! Oh my. Plus... she knows JASON BATEMAN. If Mrs. Hogan knew the thoughts I had about him when I was a chucky little braceface!!!
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMindy

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