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Monica Bielanko
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Tuesday
Feb282006

Dark inVader

He strikes quickly. He steals great square footage of bed and generous folds of covers.. and before you know it, you are quite literally left out in the cold.

He lays in wait... only his heavy breathing can be heard... biding his time until you are defenseless as a babe, sweetly dreaming, innocence personified... and then he strikes like a rattlesnake!

It was four o'clock in the A.M. I was wrapped contentedly in covers I had prudently gathered around my shivering body before the Dark inVader concerned himself with thoughts of Eminent Domain. A small war for land, waged nightly.. And then it happened...

Bladder sent up a flare. "I am full. EMPTY ME." At first I ignored it.. Desperately trying to reacquaint myself with the land of dreams.. The place where Clive Owen makes regular appearances and I can eat all the nachos I want without gaining a pound. But Bladder can be a persistent bastard.. "Empty me now or face mortifying repercussions." I took Bladder at his word. He was sending small shock waves throughout my uterus.. I must oblige.

Easy now.. I silently rolled over, risking a peek at the always scheming Dark inVader. He appeared to be asleep. But after nightly skirmishes for going on two years now, I know better. One shouldn't be so easily fooled by his slumbering facade.. He is wily. The snoozing could be genuine. Or it could be a clever ruse designed to lull me into a false sense of security in order to gain land.

I'd already suffered a serious setback around two A.M. when he heaved a cumbersome leg on top of my slender form. "Affection" he calls it. "Trickery" is what it is. A slick ploy to gain more land. Like Sherman marching on Atlanta, the Dark inVader is always on the move.. chiseling away at the barricade of pillows I had wisely erected after sleep overtook him. The casualty of his "affectionate" leg-over-my-body tactic was my foot - which died a slow, painful death.. tingling into silent, numb submission. That brutal blow to my armaments.. or in this case, my LEGaments...and now this...But Bladder is a bulldog, not someone to be trifled with...

I slid delicately from underneath the covers I'd worked so hard to amass.. A last glance at the Dark inVader and I was tiptoeing to the bathroom. One minute (at the most!) and I was stealthing back to to the bed. But it was too late.

The Dark inVader had blasted easily through my pillow barricade and advanced onto my side, positioning himself on land I had foolishly left unguarded. And I wasn't the only victim. He had taken a prisoner of war! He kidnapped "Bear". Poor Bear. Silently suffering in the sweaty embrace of the dark one who was once again "sleeping".. I shed tears that night. Tears for Bear. Tears for me. At the whim of such a mad man.

Not all is lost.. sometimes one's dog Max can be employed as an ally.. If he can be convinced to lay quietly - a placeholder if you will... His warm body fooling the Dark inVader into thinking the land is occupied.

I comfort myself with memories of the halcyon years.. Reminiscence of a better day when I and I alone happily occupied my territory without fear. Back when the television could be left on into the wee small hours, volume cranked, tuned to Nick at Nite.. My sitcom mom Roseanne would find me in my dreams and comfort me.. Now I am all alone with the Dark inVader.. left to my own devices, fighting a one woman crusade for my territory, MY LAND!

It's a losing battle..

Reader Comments (22)

That made me giggle, well written.
February 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
I look forward to your daily journal. You are a great writer - the visuals that I get from each sentence (especially in this entry) are hilarious.
February 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Hmmm. How can Clive Owen be in my dreams and yours at the same time? I can't believe this. That cheating bastard!
February 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Ha! I feel ya. I myself am plagued by the "knee across the stomach" bit. Also in the name of "affection," he lumbers over in his sleep and crawls his leg across my abdomen, crushing off all hopes of my breathing and definitely giving Bladder something to yell about.
February 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
Ha ha ha! In the name of "affection". Just get off me already! I'm trying to sleep. :) You should have your own column. Damn that was so funny.
February 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSunny
You are such a gifted writer Monica. Your posts are always funny or thought provoking. I always stop by knowing there will be something interesting to read. I do sincerely hope there is a book on the way...

Susan
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
Awesome post.
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
My girl crush? It grows.
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Great post!

I wish I would dream about Clive Owen! That would make bedtime a lot more....fun.
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
I think this calls for a well-placed ice cube... or two. ;)
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterphx
He'd sleep right through a rogue ice cube.. When the Dark One is asleep - he is lost to the world.. which means any number of other mischevious activities are possible.. Hmmm..
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Hilarious! I love the way you write.

My nighttime dilemma involves my dog, Lucy. She waits for any opportunity to oust me outta my side of the bed so she can spoon Leo. She lays her head on my pillow, resting her snout on Leo's shoulder & snuggles close up to his back. I swear she sneers at me when I return. Sometimes she'll play dead just hoping I'll go to the dog bed. Lucy's definitely the alpha female in our pack.
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
I totally thought this was about Max until near the end where you mentioned that Max was a sometimes ally. I remember when I was a kid a friend's parents had separate beds. They were twin beds side by side so they slept near each other but they were made up individually so they had their own set of covers and pillows. Always seemed so unromantic to me, but perhaps they had the right idea ; )
March 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
I just went back and read the post with Max in mind and it totally works.. That's funny as hell.. Unanticipated trickery on my part.. (Is unanticipated a word?) Am drunk... watching Six Feet Under With The Surge...
March 1, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
My (gay) ex-boyfriend was a 'taker' at night...no pun intended...I'd frequently wake up to find that everything within his reach was tucked carefully next to his body. I actually had to move my nightstand far enough away that he couldn't reach it after I woke up one morning to find him spooning a candle. Needless to say, the battle for covers was a losing one.
March 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersandra
Your "gay" ex-boyfriend? Ahem - story?
March 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I know all too well about a boy stealing covers and Sealy space. All I do is yell out to him as I push him back to his side and rearrange the covers. He never learns, but pushing him around is kinda fun this way, so I don't so much mind.
March 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
My boyfriend lived with me for a few months, every since he has been gone I still sleep on my side of the bed, almost as if I am waiting for him to come crawl in with me! But I will tell you that when we are in bed together I am snuggled up to him as close as possible or he is snuggled up to my ass! LOL He is an ass-man, what can I say! :) Someone's gotta love the junk in my trunk!!
March 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
The gay ex? A well-chronicled adventure on my blog -- the key (aka, coming out) entry was posted on...December 13.
March 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersandra
I'm so there...
March 2, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees. Ya Hoodia
March 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoodia
I love reading your journal. It's a shame I just now picked it up. I've finally got my own unmotivated ass out of the house and to the library so I could truly cruise the internet. When I'm at work, I don't get long enough--there's always horny men walking thru the door looking for naked entertainment. But I love your work--I esp. felt in kin with Dark inVader. So true. Altho in the past I have been accused of being such.
March 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Raine

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