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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Tuesday
Feb212006

Kill Shmoopy

You know you're giving the rest of us a bad name, don't you? Coddled, overindulged twat. Standing there on the subway, on the sidewalk, on line at the bank, at the bar, your lips pursed into a perpetual pout. Forehead furrowed petulantly. Mewling, mumbling "But baby...mufflemuffle...ssspssp......baby... mnumlumnumnum... baby?" And then your lips protrude even further for another reassuring kiss from your long suffering boyfriend - who should be slapped for fostering such puerile deportment.

Stop that!

You drop your addled head on his shoulder as if it's too heavy to hold up of your own accord. You peer up at him through strategically lowered lashes, continually forcing him to look at you so you can simper in what you seem to think is an adorable way to comport one's self.

Keep up the galling baby behavior sister and you'll need all the head support you can get because I will have snapped your neck and fled the criminal scene of your infantile actions.

You aren't cute. You are in your twenties. At least!

I stand on the subway platform, bearing unfortunate witness to your outrageously girlish antics with your boyfriend and wonder that he doesn't push you in front of the oncoming train. You must give great head. That's all I can figure because overhearing just 30 seconds of your baby talk is giving me a rash.

Reader Comments (22)

Oh my! The things women do to get what they want.

I know a couple of women that do the Marilyn Monroe air head routine to get what they want. Total turnoff! Now head, on the other hand... well, it's not who ya know, it's who ya blow!
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
Ha! I'd rather give The Surge a blow job than resort to subversive bullshit head games.. Seems like I'm always sitting on the subway next to a pouting baby talker... and to watch her boyfriend play into it all is alarming.. Am hoping he's got the great sex in mind because if men find that attitude attractive... yuck!
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
this made me laugh out loud! Hilarious. And NICE use of the word puerile. :)
When I was young, i overheard my mom's friends gossiping about some shrew their (male) buddy was married to. Their conclusion was the same as yours - she had to have been doing something right!
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Maybe the pouter knows something we don't... Then again - the pouter is the kind of girl that likes really expensive jewelry for gifts... and that ain't my bag.. so she can keep her boy and her expensive baubles. I'd rather be my bitchy self with my 10 dollar wedding ring.
February 21, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
This post was awesome. I work with this guy who is totally cool. Laid back, really nice guy. I met his wife at the office christmas party and she was totally one of these girls. You'd be standing their having a normal conversation with him and she'd tug on his sleeve and whisper something (with the pouty face) right in front of you. It was so weird. Like I'm not standing there? I wondered why he liked her too. She must be great in bed?
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSunny
Oh man. Welcome to my world of stupid girls. Western is apparently known for being a good school, yet I wonder if some of these girls can properly spell their name...how did they ever end up here!?
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
You go to Western?

I have a few long 'lost' girl friends that went there and they are all spoilt brats that use this tactic to get everything they want with everyone - everyone male that is. Brothers, fathers, lovers, teachers. Maybe there is a class at Western that teaches them to behave this way! And maybe there is an option for extra credit where they also teach the tricks to an UNBELIEVABLE blow job that alters the male brain into loving this behaviour.

Who told these women that this behaviour is cute and endearing? I find that woman like that are a lot of work and tend to suck the air out of the room. What happened to being a confident, well spoken, hilarious, sexy woman? Goo goo ga ga would never get me off if I was a guy. I would be the first person to push that annoying woman beside Monica at the subway into the tracks!
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
the shmoopy/soup nazi episode is a classic. a classic.
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
I don't see much of that behaviour in Perth. Just back from Vanuatu where it is not considered seemly for heterosexual couples to even hold hands in public. Makes you wonder what the effect was on the niVanuatu women when my SO announced that he had left his bungalow one especially black night at 4 am, completely naked, so as to gaze up at the stars in the tropical night's sky.
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer Armstrong
That's not girly...that's stupid. Baby talk makes me puke.
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
It's got nothing to do with being good in bed. It makes the guy feel like he's needed, and in control.

Also, there is a physiological reason you cuddle and talk baby talk when you fall in love- it mimics your babyhood, the time when you last felt so loved and adored.

Having said that, keep it off the fucking subway. And the office Christmas party? You must be kidding me!
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Aaaah.. Very good EDW.. that's definitely it.. Makes the man feel powerful AND adored at the same time..
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
The daily photo of your dob is unbelievable. Can I ask the circumstances in which that took place? Also - what kind of camera do you use? Just a suggestion, but I've been enjoying your daily photos - is there a way you can allow us to comment on the photos or ask questions as to how the photo took place? Keep up the good work. Your use of color is fantastic.
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJeeves
obviously, I meant to say dog, not dob.
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJeeves
Thanks Jeeves.. My husband was throwing a tennis ball up in the air and my dog would leap at it.. I was sitting on the grass watching... That particular photo was not photoshopped at all.. I use a Kodak Z760.. very simple, affordable camera.. Eventually I will upgrade - but it's a great starter digital camera..you can find more about it here...

http://www.kodak.com/eknec/PageQuerier.jhtml?pq-path=9/19/131/6770&pq-locale=en_US
February 21, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Yes, Western is full of spoiled brats.

Monica, I love the picture of when you and the Serge were reunited. Probably my favourite of the lot. It makes me excited for the day when a guy holds me like that.
February 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
Damn! If only she knew you were talking about her. That would be too cool.
February 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
I hate baby talk with babies, but I do confess to doing dog-talk, and get routinely ripped around the house for it.

So how do I make sure my teenage girl doesn't fall into this? Thus far (she - and her brother - turn 14 this Saturday, [for crissakes!]) she is strong and independent, wears what she wants, looks the way she wants (as of Sunday, pink hair), answers to her own self above just about all else and I want her to stay that way. At what age do they get smooshy, if they're gonna go that way? Are we out of the woods yet?

February 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
ahh, yes, baby talk. the thought of it makes me cringe. I think I grew out of it when I was.... 6? 6 and a half, tops??

want to hear something even worse? try having a boyfriend baby talk to you. at dinner. in public. when he's in his mid-30's.

i'm still recovering.

February 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermoi
Hello everyone. Longtime lurker here. The baby talk is disgusting. It's the worst when you know someone for a long time, no baby talk to speak of, and suddenly they get a new boyfriend and horror of horrors, you're all out to dinner and she starts up with the baby talk. She's almost 30! It was like catching my boyfriend in my underwear. I'll never look at her the same way.
February 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFOX
Don´t underrate the baby talkers because they don´t offer much intellectually.
They have different skills. Beware!
An old colleague and friend of mine, a heart surgeon, founded a heart center in a post-communist developing country in eastern Europe. I´ve been with the project from the start. He´s a brilliant surgeon, a visionary, a great person in many ways. He´s a public figure in his country. I´ll refer to him as The Boss. He´s divorced, 40-something and has a problem with it. He developed a flavour for 20 year-old girls. Alright, none of my business, I just hope he won´t start messing around with his nurses.
I made friends with his girlfriend, Kate, 23. She was cute and witty and so devoted to him, poor thing.
Three months later, The Boss tells me over the phone how happy he is. So in love.
- Oh. What happened to Kate?
- Got boring, I dumped her.
- Oh... So, how old is the new one?
- 20. I´ve been looking for her all of my life. She´s my karma.
Next time I visited he picked me up at my hotel the first night for dinner along with his karma.
When I spotted her, I had the hardest time ever to keep my face in check.
Into the hall stepped big black curls, huge cow eyes, dramatic make up, anorectic figure and that´s all I can say about her although I´ve known her for three years.
She´s a nursing assistant in his clinic. Uneducated, from a poor family. In three years she never spoke a word with me, not even Hi or Good morning or How was your trip. Obviously she had nothing intelligent to say and wasn´t socialized properly but I really didn´t care.
That night at the restaurant The Boss and me talked medicine and politics while she was looking decorative, playing with her hair and occasionally rubbing her cheek on his shoulder. The mother of all shmoopies.
When he went to the men´s room silence fell upon our table.

He introduced her to his kids when they visited from Germany. His son later told me: this woman is kind of stupid. She doesn´t speak any language (the boy is trilingual at 9) and she can´t ski. She crashed dad´s car twice already. And imagine, we went to the pool yesterday and she can´t even swim!

The Boss went to a political talkshow on national TV on corruption in health department and government obstruction of health care privatization. Some of his staff and myself came along. It was a serious event. We felt that a lot was at stake here for our centre.
So we´re sitting at the TV station having coffee, waiting for admission into the studio in a few minutes.
His mobile rings. It´s Karma. He´s sitting next to me, so I can her voice from his phone.
She goes: I´m soooo cold!
- Oh baby, why don´t you turn the heating on?
- I tried, but I don´t know hooow...
So our elite academic, radiating love and happiness patiently and with the softest voice gives her a lesson in Central Heating For Dummies, finishing: if you don´t manage to switch it on, think of me, that´ll keep you warm, I´ll be home right after the emission to warm you up blablabla..The conversation around our table died. Everybody was listening and exchanging glances. I felt so embarrassed. He had been my idol! and of many other people, too, and now he didn´t realize how deep he was falling.

Then one night at a restaurant with him and his living accessoire he asked me what people at the clinic were saying about their relationship.
- It´s bad. You don´t wanna know.
- Come on. We´re friends. I´m asking you because you´re the only one who´ll tell me honestly.
I obviously had had too much red wine already to hear any alarm ringing.
I gave him some gossip, no names though. I basically agreed with his employees that the affair was unacceptable in the context of his clinic. I said, it´s unethical. She depended on him jobwise and financially, she was staying at an apartment owned by the clinic before they got involved and she moved in with him, now on top of that he made her emotionally dependent also. What would be left of her life if they broke up?
I said, she´s going to face hard times at work. (No niceties to expect from colleagues for a girl who shows no ambition but has herself laid by the boss, right?) Best way to calm things down would be for her to get a new job. With all the things I said I´m sure I was never hostile towards her.

Next day, he tells me how deeply I disappointed him. Never had he expected me to be so mean. Karma had told him before I hated her but until yesterday he hadn´t believed her. Poor thing had been crying all night.
Sure will we continue our cooperation but friends we are no more.

Since then, a number of employees have not been so happy as to "continue cooperation". They got fired due to Karma´s interventions.
Hey, all it takes for her to end some promising career is to squeeze out a few tears and sob "soandso doesn´t like me".

As expected, Karma soon got pregnant. They got married recently. I wasn´t invited.

For her, it´s Cinderella`s dream come true. He seems genuinely happy, too.
It´s the rest of us who have issues with it.
Of all the beautiful intelligent women who are after him in that country, he picked what he considers a needy shy naïve young girl who spent her entire life within 50 miles from her birthplace. (I say she´s anything but naïve.)
She makes him the man in charge, providing guidance and protection and income, too. He takes her along when he travels abroad and explains the world to her.
She adores him and never contradicts and obviously that´s what he´s looking for in a woman.

And here´s the problem. As long as men like him want pouters, we smart, striving, hardworking women will have to deal with them.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertanja
Here's my take: There isn't enough Viagara in the world that will make your d*ck strong enough to compensate for trading in your spine for a cloying cow-eyed baby-talker. Here endeth the lesson.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri

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