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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Saturday
Feb182006

I Believe In You (When You Wish Upon A Star)

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I believe in you. As I pressed my head onto my pillow tonight - wait, that's a lie just to sound poetic, I don't put my head on a pillow, I scrunch the pillow under my rack so as to keep my ta-ta's from squinching into the mattress - but anyway... As I danced with the world of dreams this night, that spectral valley nestled somewhere between the sprawling mountain ranges of Awake and Asleep, Maxer sprawled next to me exhaling gentle puffs of bone flavored dog breath, I thought about you.

I don't know your name and I don't know what it is you're dreaming about or wishing for, but I just wanted you to know that I believe in you. I know you want it bad, whatever it is. You think about it all the time, I know you do. I do too.

Maybe you want to be a rock star. Maybe you want to be a novelist. Might be you are struggling to graduate college. Perhaps you're trying to have a baby. Could be you just want to meet the man/woman of your dreams already and are sick of being burned by all those guys/girls you've been dating. Maybe you just want to be happy. Content. I just want you to know that I believe in you.

You might be addicted to drugs, maybe you want to lose weight, pay off your credit cards.. or you could be so lonely you'd rather be dead. Listen though, we all have that thing.. The thing that occupies much of our waking thought. That thing that propels us forward... the image of a better you that drags you out of the safe cocoon of bed in the morning when the job you're headed to is the absolute last vehicle that will transport you to the land where dreams come true. That magical place in your mind's eye. The place where you go, where nobody knows.

Don't give up. Keep your eye on the ball because if you do, you WILL hit it. You may not get that homerun you're fantasizing about.. but SOMETHING will happen. You might hit a double, even a triple. Hell, you may slam that sucker skyward and somebody catches it. But at least you hit it and you hit it with gusto dammit! And even if you do strike out this time, you still have another at bat...

There is always another at bat.

Reader Comments (23)

Full circle in 48 hours. From Mormon Muff to Jiminy Cricket. THAT is talent. You never know what you're going to get when you click to The Girl Who. Simply sweet sentiments.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
I was just stopping by to get to a link on your site, and saw this post...

You're awesome - that is exactly what I needed to hear right now...so much so that it's a bit bizarre and spooky. Just this afternoon the hopeful/excited feelings I've had about leaving my job were giving way to scary thoughts of whether or not I would be able to make it without the security blanket that is the current 9 to 5. But it's good to remember that most everyone has something that they striving for.

Oh, and I was looking for your link to Zoe Strauss - the photos of hers that I've seen so far are great, and I LOVE that she sells photocopies of them. There is so much art that is kept out of the public's hands because of the prices. Most of the stuff I see displayed around town has such a high price tag, I wonder if it ever gets sold.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterktphotog
Zoe Strauss (and her girlfriend) are two of the most inspiring people I've ever met. I think you could contact Zoe on her site, and she also reads this blog (I think) fairly regularly. She is just the inspiration you need. She's been slogging away at photography FOREVER and just recently received a major grant which is a huge shot in the arm for her career.

Also - I had a well paying career in real estate and quit cold turkey.. I was terrifed I'd wake up in the same shit office job at 40, my life having passed me by.. I figured quitting with no job lined up would scare me into knocking on some doors.. I faced my fears, knocked on the doors, eventually nabbed a minimum wage job at the local news station so as to get my foot in the journalism door. 3 years later I was offered my dream job - the main producing gig at FOX.. 4 years after that and here I am producing major newscasts in the number one news market in America...
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I needed that so bad you will never know. lonliness is the most horrible thought for the future, thinking thats all your headed for with nothing else in sight.Maybe something is out there...maybe.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersomebody
Somebody - there is somebody out there for you! I've gone through those phases where you can't even drag yourself out of bed in the morning. You feel like there is nothing to look forward to. You don't wash your hair, just starte at the TV, not really watching.

Don't give up! If you're your best self, your true self, you will draw the person you were meant to be with. In the mean time, come here! Play with the rest of us!
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
How perfectly timed.
Thanks for the hugeness of your heart.
j
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Did you know that I also have recurring dreams of my teeth falling out. Sometimes I have steel wool where my teeth should be. It usually happens during times of great stress or during bouts of loniness.

Your post is rather moving. thanks
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCafeBbo
I am sitting here bawling like an idiot. Monica, your blog has made such a difference to me. From feeling more comfortable in my own hairy, zitty (is that a word?) female skin to having more gumption at work, you are just plain inspirational.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Monica, well said, and quite profound. Thank you for the inspiration.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUtahSpanky
"I scrunch the pillow under my rack so as to keep my ta-ta's from squinching into the mattress "

Damn - that IS profound
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
i'm a sucker for a baseball metaphor. gets me every time.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Awwww... the softer side of kasey. S'okay lil' fella.. let the tears flow - it's in a sporty context
February 18, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
position players report monday. pitchers and catchers are already at training. april's right. around. the. corner.

i've had a pretty nasty case of writer's block for the last two years, so it's easy for me to fall in to a rut where i feel like i'm the only person who's chipping away at the corners of a dream every day. and it's even easier to get in to the cycle of ignoring just how counterproductive that way of thinking is.


February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Dude! Even your comments are charming.. You ain't got no writer's block.

Besides - you've hit a homerun before, you'll do it again.. Like I said.. keep swingin' "Casey".... Mudville's waiting..

February 18, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
thanks, monica. i appreciate it.

it's been slowly creeping back for the last few months, whatever "it" is.

i think somebody (maybe on the marah board, even?) made reference to songwriting as "vomitting the words on to the page." that's an apt metaphor. i'm just the type who has to spend a couple of weeks jamming my fingers down my throat before anything comes up.

February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
I can't tell you how much I look forward to reading your blog. I enjoy it now more than a page through The Post. Today's journal really lifted my heart. Thanks for the writing and for being so honest about your life. It truly is an inspiration.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJupiter
"position players report monday. pitchers and catchers are already at training. april's right. around. the. corner."
kasey, you sound like my husband. They had a full page of baseball news in the paper today & he was giddy with delight.

February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
Oh dear God this is a good one, baby. Right up my alley, really. I am glad I found you. And I DID find you!

6 hrs from driving home,
s
February 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersurge
Git yer sorry tourin' ass back home immediately!
February 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
This post was so sweet. I often wonder about everybody out there. Their hopes and dreams - what the guy sitting on the park bench is thinking about. I could have never stated it so eloquently though.
February 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSunny
Well done. I know the baseball was for me (it better have been) Everyone said what I wanted to say, thanks weiners.
February 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
At a time when I've missed a deadline for the screenplay I'm writing and have lapsed on many of my goals so far this year, that post, Monica, was really needed. Thank you.
February 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
I don't care if I am repeating what everyone else has said, reading this brought up sad but beautiful feelings, and I think you made a difference in my mood for at least a few hours....hopefully it doesn't slip away and maybe I will feel inspired tommorrow (since it's pretty late) to sew this purse I've been mad at myself for not making because I have all the fabric I just can't find the right frame of mind. I always feel like I should be doing something else more important no matter where I am. It's a very lost and lonely and dead life I'm leading myself into. Thanks for trying to pull me out.
June 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdesiree

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