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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Saturday
Feb112006

A Word From PMS



Ahhh yes.. I know you all make jokes at my expense. I am a comedian's best routine, a funny bumper sticker, sitcom fodder...

Get your giggles in while you can.. I'll have the last laugh..

I'm the reason your wife lashes out in that horrific demon voice that starts the tiny hairs on the back of your neck vibrating in alarm. I'm the cause of that five day stretch during which sex with your girlfriend occurs only in your dreams. Still funny now? I thought not.

Know when you get home after a long day of work and you're looking forward to a hot, home-cooked meal? Instead you find your woman curled on the bed sobbing, slobbering, chocolate smeared on her lips and fingers. You bravely ask what's wrong and she snots "I'M SO FAAAAT!" That's me too!

I'm the reason for all the boohooing at long distance commercials... And when she spends hours in front of the mirror, tears trickling down mottled cheeks as she grabs handfuls of flesh from her waist and thighs, screaming "LOOK AT THIS! LOOOOOK!", those are some of my proudest moments.

God have mercy on your sorry soul if you should be required to get dressed up and attempt to socialize with decent folk while I'm in town because you will never, ever make it out the front door, my friend. This is a promise.

I'll make her hate every outfit she tries on, each hairstyle she constructs will be "hideous" until she collapses on the bed in a heap of smeared make-up and hair product wailing "I'M NOT GOING! GO WITHOUT ME! " And when you actually make a move to leave she will shrill "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE GOING!"

It's your move then, my fine fellow. I'll stand aside, smirking, until I decide to plunge my meaty fingers inside her vagina once again... crushing every single nerve inside her uterus... I am more powerful than Moses, you see.. I don't just part the Red Sea, I call it forth!

Joke about me while you can, my good man... I'll be back next month and we'll see who's laughing then.

Reader Comments (15)

I am so PMS. All my meals include chocolate. And I swell like Harry Potters aunt.... Hmm.. I can't zip my pants, so I wear my pyjama bottoms all day long... at least I try to. My mom doesn't like that very much... :)
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSuyin
I am totally the girl on the bed slobbering on a chocolate bar and crying.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
You were talking to me, weren't you?
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
What I mean to say is, it felt like that one was directed right at me.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
I have taken so much ibuprofen today that I fear it is eating a hole through my stomach. Which would be a distinct improvement over my ovaries, which are apparently trying to leave my body.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersandra
Ha! They're trying to flee the scene of their crime.. Mine too. I feel your pain. Literally!
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
and whoever said that it gets better after childbirth never finished the sentence... it only gets better because it now can be COMPARED to it.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDeirdre
Oh that is priceless Deirdre! I had a something funny planned to say after reading Monica's hilarious post but once I read yours I just had to comment to you.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSunny
"not going. go without me" and then " I cannot believe you are going" that is sooo funny to me because it has happened just like that, years ago with your dad, I couldn't get my farrah faucett hair to go just so, and I flailed myself on the bed bawling with my makeup everywhere, telling him to go without me, and he did. I was horrified. He actually did. Any question as to what voice greeted him when he came home....aaah good times they were. NOT! So glad those days are over for me, white pants 365 days a year if I feel so inclined.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
You've gone through menopause? Did I know this?
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
remember last year or so when I told you? we were standing on the porch? I told you a little somethin somethin about myself? The visitor hadn't come that month? and haven't seen her ugly red head since. Little more to the story than that, but remember?
February 12, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Actually, no. I guess I'm consumed with thoughts of myself.. Perhaps I chose to block out your menstruation or lack thereof.. It isn't exactly my favorite topic.
February 12, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Just now read this. Damn girl! You is funny! Can always count on The Girl Who for a laugh. Now, where did I leave that chocolate bar?
February 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
My only comment is, "No comment". :-X
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer

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