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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Friday
Feb102006

Coming To Terms

When someone negotiates the sharp corners and tricky turns of the intricate maze leading to your heart, they stay. For good. Despite death, divorce, break-ups, fights. They take up residency, leasing a part of your soul forever. Latching onto your heart like a tick... a small, bloodsucking parasite, their presence can leave your vital organs gasping for sustenance. Or they take root like a delicate flower, blooming with the sustaining nourishment of true love.

Either way, don't fight it. Like ivy coarsing through the mortared veins of bricks, their roots are entwined throughout your heart. They are a part of you. They will be forever. They helped create the person you are. It's okay. Even if it ended badly, if you feel hatred for them now, just submit to their role in your life path.

I love you I hate you

The difference is negligible. I've loved someone so much I hated them. If you hate someone now, realize that your hatred is comparable to the love you had. If you didn't care, you wouldn't react. But hanging on to ill will affects YOU more than anyone else. Let it go. It is what it is. Things happened the way they did for a reason, even if that reason isn't apparent yet.

It's never pleasant to be the one who loves, who isn't loved in return. Or to be in a coupling that inexplicably desintegrates. You flail about wildly, in an effort to hold on, because despite the hardship, you are in love.. But the relationship sifts through your grasping fingers like sand..

Just know that everybody takes their turn. Also, know this: if they loved you once, they will always love you in some capacity, for you played a part in their life path as well. Whether you are in touch with them or not, despite hurtful exchanges, if what you once shared was authentic, you dwell within their heart too.

Finally, after years of hurt - hurt I realized I was subjecting myself to - I've been able to transform my old negatives into positives. Because I realize my anger stemmed from unrequited love. Now, I look back on The Ex with warm feelings. His influence on me is profound and helped prepare me to be a better wife to The Surge.

Had I chosen to dwell in that place, stuck in the endless white noise cycle of Why Doesn't He Love Me, I wouldn't have found The Surge. If you've had your heart broken, stop clawing at the scar. Let it mend. Don't let your past hang ominously over your future.. you just might let your destiny pass you by...

Reader Comments (20)

"When someone negotiates the sharp corners and tricky turns of the intricate maze leading to your heart, they stay. For good. Despite death, divorce, break-ups, fights. They take up residency, leasing a part of your soul forever. Latching onto your heart like a tick... a small, bloodsucking parasite, their presence can leave your vital organs gasping for sustenance."

Damn if this isn't true. Whether you are married, been married or not at all. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you wonder why you can't get them out of your heart, your mind. It drives me crazy sometimes!

This is good Monica and so true. Thanks for writing this.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Excellent. You often put into words things I cannot name.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
Wow. From the grammy commentary to this. Unbelievable. I still think about many of my ex boyfriends. I always will.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Beautiful meditation on love, longing and loss, Monica. As most people know it's easier said then done, but wonderful when you can finally let go of old pain.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
An ex-boyfriend of mine once said, "The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference."

After I broke up with him he burglarized my parents' house while we were out of town (I was 17, still living at home), rifled through my sister's drawers, and stole our VCR (this was 1992, VCRs were the shit!). I've always hated him because of what he did to me and my family, but then I remember that he would say that hating him is closer to loving him, which I definitely don't, and I get confused. Yet it's impossible for me to be indifferent. I hate his sorry ass, even 14 years later.

This love/hate/indifference theory has bogged my brain for years.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
"Also, know this: if they loved you once, they will always love you in some capacity, for you played a part in their life path as well. Whether you are in touch with them or not, despite hurtful exchanges, if what you once shared was authentic, you dwell within their heart too."

I really like this. Something I've never really believed about myself. I believe that about the past girls in my life but I don't believe that they think that way about me. But that is becuase I am crazy.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
God you write so wonderfuly Mon. I too have often pondered my ill feelings for my ex, my ex of four years, my lover, best firend and arch enemy. Even now myt heart strings stretch to the point of almost tearing when I think of how much he hurt me, how much we hurt each other. But, you are so right, we only hurt oursleves in our intent to block them from our hearts and minds, for they shaped us into being present day us, and honsetly I've become grateful that I was hurt so bad, so young. Let's hope the man in my life now appreciates that.

You rock!
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
I actively hate one of my ex-boyfriends. I would do anything to get the summer I wasted with him back. If i every ran into him, I'd kick him in the nuts.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
But think about it.. why do you hate him so muuch? If you didn't care you'd feel indifferent.

Amanda B - that is such a great quote and totally true.
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Hi Monica,

I just found your blog a couple days ago through the Shalita's myspace site. I'm a relatively new Marah fan, and am now also a huge fan of yours! You are an incredible writer! I seriously would have posted something sooner, but I started reading through your old entries and the chapters you have posted, and just couldn't stop! Your writing has had me laughing my ass off one minute, and then wanting to cry the next.

I have the utmost respect and admiration for how brave you are to be so open and honest with your writing. Thank you for having the courage to be so real and genuine, and share who you are with the world. I can personally relate to a lot of your stories, and it has been therapeutic to read your advice and see that others share the same emotions.

I love this post too, especially the imagery. Beautiful, and so true...

"They take up residency, leasing a part of your soul forever. Latching onto your heart like a tick... a small, bloodsucking parasite, their presence can leave your vital organs gasping for sustenance. Or they take root like a delicate flower, blooming with the sustaining nourishment of true love.
Either way, don't fight it. Like ivy coarsing through the mortared veins of bricks, their roots are entwined throughout your heart."

I completely agree...this thought actually provides a sense of relief because it helps you understand the pain, and be free to move past it.

Katie
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterktphotog
Wow! Thank you so much! That may be the nicest comment ever. Am blushing profusely and drooling all over myself with glee.. Are you a photographer?

Gemma - don't worry too much over sicksadworld..She hates everybody.. Have you read her top ten lately?

And Fiabug.. your sweet comments never go unnoticed... You've been here longer than anyone I think and it would certainly be lonely round these parts without you.

February 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
While I certainly think of my ex-girlfriends with fondness, I often wonder if they think about me at all. Your post gives me hope I may have meant more than I originally thought.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
Awww... Bri and Sloopy, you guys are selling yourselves short. I'll bet both of you have been Googled by exes more than a few times...
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Yes, yes, yes. I keep telling myself this and not living by it. Things would be much easier if I listened to your wonderful advice, here. I'll work on it.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAaaaaaron
Aaaaaaron with six A's... You posted! Hello my love.. So excited you ventured to this corner of The Internets!
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Thank you. Beautifully and succinctly written from the heart - as always.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbettyonthebeach
I AM a photographer...how did you ever guess? ;) Actually, in a couple of weeks I'm taking a huge leap and quitting my day job in order to better live up to the title.

I looked at most of your photos. I especially love the one with the sign that says "Let no man separate what we create." That's great that you even got a church steeple in the background and the bars that make a cross in the foreground.
February 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterktphotog
How exciting! Best of luck in your photographic endeavors.. Any of your stuff online? Can we check it out? Feel free to post a link in the idle chatter section. I love looking photos others have taken.. It's sometimes more insightful than asking them questions about themselves.
February 11, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Thank you for this blog. You have no idea.
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSera
Hey Sera! Welcome.. I probably have more of an idea than you think.. Been there, done that.
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

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