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Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Friday
Dec152006

Bi The Way...

When I was dating The Reporter, when I knew it was over but didn't tell him yet, I begged him to call up an old fuck buddy of his and let me hide in the closet. I wanted to watch. If one subscribes to the male stereotype regarding threesomes, voyeurism and such, one could safely assume a fella would jump at the opportunity I presented. But The Reporter? He was so upset that I suggested the idea that he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day.

I've always been bi-curious. I've indulged the curiosity a time or two. And I've never been disappointed. What is it about the woman? I don't know. It's funny, mention making out with a girl to another girl and she'll either make puking sounds or agree with you. I remember being attracted to women as far back as high school. My best friend Natalie and I were laying on her bed flipping through a Seventeen magazine.
"If you had to make out with one of our friends, who would you pick?" I asked.
"Yuck! Nobody. That's gross!"

Her answer startled me because it could not have been more different from my own internal monologue. I had already dissected which of our friends would be the sexiest kisser, which one wouldn't. It never occurred to me that it would be gross.

When I was dating Older Married Guy I was accused of being a lesbian. One night, when I wasn't home, he pulled up my computer history to check out all the websites I'd visited. In the mix? Some girl-on-girl sites that I'd briefly clicked through a couple weeks prior to his invasion. Because I didn't enjoy sex with him, for reasons not relating to my sexual proclivity, he flipped.
"Lesbian!" He screamed at me.
"Fuck you!" I put up a good fight but I was secretly devastated by his accusation. I didn't want to be gay. Everyone knows that's a rocky road to negotiate what with Coming Out and homophobics and the small matter of my still being a Mormon and if there's one thing Mormons hate it's homosexuality. But deep down inside I wondered if my curiosity about the female form made me a lesbian.

At this point in my life I'd kissed two women. The first kiss was on a dare because men were watching. You know, the old Let's-Impress-The-Boys-By-Tonguing-Each-Other routine. Pornish posturing to please the guys. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it. Was more interested in whether the girl was turned on by me than if the men were.

In college my roommate and I kissed. Once. It was Halloween, we were dressed as go-go dancers. The frat party was over and we were stumbling hand in hand across campus, headed back to our dorm room. Once there, my drunken buddy unsuccessfully tried to climb up to her top bunk bed. Her tight vinyl go-go dress wouldn't allow her to kick her leg high enough to gain leverage so she ended up collapsing onto my bottom bunk.

Suddenly we were kissing. I'm not sure who kissed who... it just happened. It was a nice, soft kiss. As quickly as it started, it was over. Embarrassed, she scrabbled to her bed and it was never discussed again.

When I knew the relationship with The Reporter was over, this happened. I enjoyed myself immensely, yet, for some reason, that was the last time anything like that ever happened again. The opportunity just never presented itself, I guess. And then I got married.

The Surge and I have discussed threesomes... he isn't into it. Yet another man breaking stereotype. He doesn't want to share me, doesn't want to compromise the marriage. I agree. But threesomes are such an oft discussed and debated fantasy that I can't help but think about it. Threesomes can take on various forms.. Girl-on-girl while the fella watches or guy with girl while another girl watches. There is, of course, the girl with two guys option. Which has never really appealed to me. Seems like a lotta work, right? Then there is two girls and a guy at the same time. I'm not sure which variety I'd be into if The Surge and I were to ever indulge. Probably something innocent like him watching me make out with a girl and then we go home and get it on.

As I near 30, I realize that many of my female fantasies are perfectly natural and anymore, thanks to Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and even Christina Aguilera's infamous bar makeouts with girls, bisexuality is just plain fashionable as well. All the cool people are doing it! I'm no longer embarrassed by my attraction to women. I also realize that I'm not repressing my inherent gayness because The Prophet hates those sinning Gays so I was consequently raised to be a God fearing homophobe... I'm just bi-curious. That's all. I don't want to spend my life with a woman... but I certainly wouldn't mind a steamy makeout with one either. I've even wondered how I'd do in a relationship with a woman. What would it be like? The same as dating a guy? Different? Easier? Alas, I'll never know.

So what is it about women that turns me on? I don't know. They're softer. Sweeter. Gentler than most men. My girl crushes don't happen often. But every now and again there is a girl with the right sense of humor, an inappropriate flair, a well read, intelligent girl who has none of the snobbish cattiness that affects so many of our sisters. The girl gets it.. And maybe she looks at me in a certain way.. a way that makes me wish I had a real sister to share things with. That attracts me. Maybe my bi-curiosity isn't so much about sex as it is a longing for a female companion who unconditionally adores me. Although, nothing beats The Surge's scruffy mug, disheveled hair and his - ahem.. Good Lord, but he's sexy. But men? Most of the time they're pretty easy to figure out. Generally, you can feed 'em, fuck 'em and they're good to go. Women? They're more complicated. The right ones fascinate me and I'm alternately crushing and jealous of their fabulosity.