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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Thursday
Nov162006

Honest To A Fault

WARNING! WARNING!

There. Don't say I didn't warn you; I am fat. My chin has purplish acne scars. Speaking of chin - I notice in recent photos I'm becoming a bit jowly. Horizontal lines are squatting on my forehead. Lines that used to appear only when I raised my eyebrows in skeptisicm. Maybe I'm constantly skeptical here in the state of Saints and the lines will smooth out once again upon my return to NYC. Speaking of laugh lines, two very ugly crows feet have planted themselves at the corners of my eyes and they don't seem to be going anywhere. I comfort myself with the fact that I am at a much higher altitude and therefore much closer to the sun, hence I am forced to squint more than in New York and that is where those motherclucking crows feet came from. S'all a simple matter of astronomy and distance from the sun. Heh, heh, heh... I know. So superficial. Why is it that when I am PMSing I focus on the physical?

In other news... I'm back in Utah after a very brief trek over the river and through the desert to Dad's house (Durango, Colorado) we go. Everything is weird. Like I'm floating above myself or in the midst of a dream. Sometimes, even now when I'm pushing 30 and sporting some big fuckoff crows feet, I dream about being in high school. The lockers, the teachers, the same students, the assignments. And it feels so real even though in the dream I know it's a dream. Being back here in Utah is the same vibe but opposite - it feels like a dream but it's real. Okay, the dream analogy, a bit confusing. How 'bout this; I feel like I'm stoned ALL the time. Which could very well be the case as visiting Dad and my older brother (A.K.A Asshole) generally requires smoking dooby.

One might wonder why I'm such a pothead but one would only wonder such things if one hadn't met my family. Let me introduce you to the male members of my family or some of 'em anyway. I held out for a very long time before taking that first puff... Not until college, I think. Big brother tried to get me stoned in junior high and as dutiful young Latter-Day-Saint I resolutely refused.
"You should probably repent, Brandon. Jesus IS NOT pleased."
Then it was Dad's turn to have a go at introducing me to the wonders of weed. I was in high school. I have a vivid recollection of driving with Dad along the edge of a lake in Colorado. It was a rare, pleasant late summer drive one time when I was visiting. Now I knew he was a pot smoker but it was something he did on his own time or with my older brother, not in front of me. One minute he was stroking his beard in that pensive way that has ingrained itself in my brain, the next he was puffing on a marijuana pipe. I suppose he just assumed it was time to display himself in all his Dadly pot smoking glory.
"Daa-aad! That's illegal." said this Mormon, church going virgin.
"Just try it." He said like the star of a bad After School Special
I backed away from the pipe. "NoWAY. That's wrong."
Nowadays Dad and I generally bond over a joint. Sometimes it greases the wheels of the good conversation wagon. I have no secrets from either parent. They know EVERYTHING about me. I like it that way. This is me. Love me or leave me. Plus I think I get off a little on ruffling their feathers whether it's my anti-Mormon sentiments or incidents like this one. Anyway, a joint and a few laughs are shared with Pop and all is right with the world. So while you may gasp and view marijuana as very much an illegal substance and shame on me and omigod I probably, am like, addicted! etc.. etc.. I often forget the shit is illegal. And I've never purchased - usually someone offers a little something. I suppose with how often I talk about it you must think I have Hefty sacks of the stuff stashed in my closet. Nah. I s'pose I just happen to know a lot of folks that are friends with Mary Jane and I end up having some of The Pot, as Grandma would say, by proxy.

I have come to many conclusions on this here jaunt across the U-S of A. Many of which I'll share with you because I know you're on pins and needles and thumbtacks and nails and porcupine quills - anxiously awaiting my revelations. I have been teetering on perhaps moving back to Utah to get a solid job (there are offers) and maybe think about starting a family (the baby friendliest state in the Union) and I have made my decision. BUT - I must leave. I have yet another brother to visit... fantastic conversation over a telephone as I look at him through bullet proof glass. But it wouldn't be a proper visit home if there wasn't some brother or other behind bars, now, would it?

Reader Comments (22)

"I have no secrets from either parent. They know EVERYTHING about me. I like it that way."

Wow, that's great...I definitely don't have that kind of relationship with my parents. Although I'm not sure I would want it that way either. My mom tried to get us to bond and become closer a few years ago, and it was just too weird. My closest friends are the ones who hear everything. That's the way it's always been...maybe I'm too stubborn to change?

Anyway, I'm confused though - are you moving back to Utah or not?

November 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterktphotog
Sooooo...are you moving back Monica? Starting a gene pool of your own with The Surge? I hope that your visit has been what you needed it to be...
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Wow.Just...wow.
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Ha! Ha! Ha! Dont leave me here alone, in New York!Richelle she's staying in Utah. Sorry to ruin the surprise. 8)
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
oh! yeah! PMS excuses...I know something about it;)
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
So are your parents still practicing Mormon? Even your dad who smokes pot? And why is your brother locked up?
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWC
Ahaaah! Now i get it,mormon masturbation manifesto! It is Hanky panky with your own sex organ! Very bad girl! hehe What is a manifesto dough, forgive me for this question?
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHamad get it
My parents smoke pot too and I smoke with them. Growing up, I thought it was terrible! and wrong! and what the hell would the DARE officer think? Then when I was 16 my mom's musician neighbors offered me a bong hit, I took one, my mom took one, and we've been happy ever since.

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying The Pot. In Denver, it is even legal now.
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterrosie
If you move to Utah I will cut you! Nooooooooo!
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I think it's completely irresponsible for a parent to actually encourage a child to smoke marijuana. No wonder you're so messed up. My advice? THERAPY. Now.
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerafina
Whatever.

Are you really thinking about having a baby? You would be an incredible mom!!

I can't wait to hear more about your journey.

Safe travels.
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKDS
I'm really looking forward to hearing about your Utah adventures.

When you were there did you feel as though it were clear that NYC is now your home? It feels weird to out-grow the place where you grew up, no?

Stories-- soon, please!
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
I am drawn to people with crows feet because I think they got them from smiling and laughing a lot with their whole face, and I like to know people like that.

jan
November 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
I, too, adore crows feet (my own included). I always felt like they were the hallmark of someone who's lived, who knows things. I don't think they look old, I think they look like someone who is old who looks young. Does that make sense?

Yay for big decision-making. I love life-changing decisions, so exciting.
November 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
People who act so horrified by pot use kill me. I wonder what the statistics are for people who smoke dope. Like 2 out of every 5 people on the street. C'mon. Great blog. Good luck in Utah or New York
November 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterS
"motherclucking"? That doesn't sound like the Monica I know and love. Well, I don't know you but you know what I mean. Have the Mormons kidnapped you?
November 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Do what feels right for you but just remember-it's not where we live that makes us happy but the circumstances and people we choose to have in our life that do. I'll be the "bad mother-in-law" and say that having a baby with a man that'll only be around part time and has no steady income is kind of a yucky idea but hey, it's your life.
November 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeg2Defer
Monica would make a great mom. Especially at this point in her career. Mom! Mom! Can I have some more canned peaches please?
November 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Michael. You are an asshole.

Will you go away now?

PLEASE.
November 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKDS
Michael,

If you come home without apologizing to this young lady I will pull out your still beating heart and show it to your looks-just-like-his-idiot-small-wee-wee-having-father face so that your withered soul can have one final glimpse of a something that is not money or some overcompensating automobile. Not a single girlfriend in the last three years young man ---- AND YOU WONDER WHY!?!?!? I can't believe YOU...YOU....YOU (Falls on the floor and dies from an exploded head.)

Good job Mike, you have so many deep-seated issues with money, women and criticizing people you don't know that you killed your own mom. Nice one dickweed.
November 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael's Mom
hi
the new design looks good. cleaner & simpler... nice.
November 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterlc
SUPER FUN NEW LOOK TO THE SITE...the font choices are great...wow that made me sound like a raging nerd...'Monica your font choices are awesome!'...I am going to drink a bottle of wine now so I can be cool again and never ever ever ever comment on font...
November 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
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