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Monday
Oct092006

On God And Country


I drove a vehicle for the first time in nearly two years this weekend. Proud to say I was one-handing it within seconds. Within minutes I joined the majority of my fellow Americans in driving with my knees as I attempted to fill my snoot with a Reeses Peanut Buter Cup Blizzard whilst negotiating winding back country roads.

OBSERVATIONS:

1. America is fat.

2. Most of us shop at Wal*Mart, frequent country festivals trolling for ham soup, home-made french fries, funnel cake and pie. We spend obscene amounts of money on creepy doll-like items made McGuyver-style from raffia, dish towels, buttons and other household goods - all combined to create a terrifying creature that sits atop a kitchen counter next to an artfully arranged basket of plastic fruit.

3. It's contagious. In the span of three days I consumed most of a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, the aforementioned Blizzard, a Whoopee Pie, a pumpkin pie, peanut butter fudge, two Apple Dumpings, home-made french fries, a sausage sandwich and much, much more.

4. TGIF has seen the light and is now offering deep fried string beans and Mac and Cheese. Dominos is seeing their deep fried and raising them free brownies with every pizza order. In case that brownie just isn't enough chocolate for you - the good folks at Dominos HQ are throwing in chocolate dipping sauce. I, for one, am relieved. Like, did they think I was just going to snarf down a plain brownie? Additionally, Dunkin Donuts is still in the game offering SIX free donuts with every purchase of six. Buy six, get six free. Man, I am proud to be an American.

5. Back to the Apple Festival. Country folk shore do love God and America. I ate my home-fries to the accompaniment of a mulleted, chest thumping good ol' country boy singing about the important things.
"Glad y'all made it out here today ladies and gentleman. I want you to know that Jesus is my best friend and brother. I'd like to send this next one out to the troops stationed all around the world. We here in America - we've got a lot to be thankful for!"

Damn right, I thought. Donuts, brownies, fried foods, Dairy Queen and, of course, Wal*Mart. The Mulleted One fiddled with his karaoke machine/amplifier then launched into his next song about Jesus. Some lyrical number, as far as I could tell, based on that slushy 'Footprints' poem that most God fearing folks have framed and hanging on the wall next to the needlepoint that says; God Bless This Home. An old lady with a dried peach of a face and pink rollers still in her hair forked into a mound of various food items and mouthed Isn't he marvelous? to the pink sweatpant clad woman nodding vigorously next to her. Across the way a wizened, old man in overalls happily shelled walnuts, keeping rhythm to The Mulleted One by tapping his dirty work boot on a pile of walnut shells scattered across the grass. On the whole I enjoyed myself immensely and plans are in the works for my retirement there. It's much nicer to hang around happy overweight people who couldn't be sarcastic if they tried as opposed to the cynical, bones and angles breed that roams the streets of New York City looking pissed and hungry.

As we drove back to Sugar Valley - which is the delicious name given to the valley in which Mom-In-Law resides, we passed a bright red barn of a building with the word "Heartbreakers" painted across the side.

"Heartbreakers. What's that?" Brother-In-Law Dave wanted to know.
"Oh. That's a strip club." My sweet Mom-In-Law stage whispered the words strip club.. as if to keep God himself from overhearing.
"A titty bar?" The Surge bellowed.
"Let's go!" I shouted.
"I'd like to get a look at countrified strippers." Dave's better half Kate agreed.

Countrified strippers. Heartbreakers. Just whose hearts are they breaking anyway, I wondered. I imagined ravaged farm women with black hole eyes, thousand mile stares, swinging listlessly around a gummy brass pole, hands rough from yard work, jack-o-lantern smiles.. or no teeth at all... all the better to blow you with Farmer Joe. Unfortunately we were in a bit of a time crunch.. had to get home and eat more pie and such.. and so we didn't get a chance to see if the gals are, in fact, Heartbreakers. Next time, there's always next time.

On the road back to the city today a woman driving a gray Oldsmobile swooped in from nowhere and cut us off, nearly causing us to roll our van.
"GODDAMN MOTHER----!!!" The Surge instantly segued from singing along with the radio into his signature litany of On The Road phrases.
"Pull up next to her so I can give her the bird." Kate said.
"It's okay. I've got this." I said calmly. As we passed the woman I reached down, yanked out my tampon and threw it right at that bitch's windshield. That'll learn her to fuck with white trash like me.

Reader Comments (54)

That was GREAT! LOL I love whoopee pie, those Amish know how to cook!!!
Sounds like you had a nice restful family filled weekend!
October 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Nice to see the tampon again. Will she be a recurring character?
October 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
You killed me with the tampon. No words...
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
You fucking ROCK.

October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersfh
The trailer park called. They really miss you.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKitty
take that Hamad! OOOH shit! Did I hear that one coming! Hurrah for the red white and blue and the tampon that flew! Yer a corker Mon... a real corker.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoyce
oh yes! I love that ending point with tampon :) is it gonna be the main figure in your stories? after you of course?! I like how you describe America...it's exactly how I remember...
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
God you are hilarious!
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterrichelle
and...it's all that...and more.
BTW: the strip club in Milheim is the shizznat! Fuck Heartbreakers.
The Bllodhound Gang had a song called something like "A Lap Dance is So Much Better when the Stripper is Crying." I never heard the song, mainly because it would be a letdown after that title, but I have to imagine there are a few crying strippers in Heartbreakers.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersean
I'm listenign to that song right as we speak. It's brilliant.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
My marrocan Tea jumped out of the nose, i had to laugh a lot. LOL The truth is the best of jokes, indeed. Aldhough a fat country LOL I would like to go to America. I find it not a good thing to make a joke about the soil where you grew as a person. There was a post about a fat newswoman i remember. Fat women are women too.
Thats why i needed to say that i respect a woman greatly, and i am not caring a lot if they are fat or ugly. My woman is fat, and I dont care a shi*. Lucky she lives in Fars with my daughters. LOL
But o my highest lord, it seems like an American female is even more wicky than an Europees woman. Two times throwing this red disgust out in a public spot?? my eyebrows went up when i read this. I used to think highly of the writer of this blog. I still do but lesser. I think that is why "Mon" (LOL, i meant monica off course) should not disgrace herself nomore, not disgrace other woman no more (a strip club is worse than sodomma or gomorra, it is evil for a woman, and by visiting as a woman crushing a womanhood yourselve) and not disgrace own country by calling an american fat. I am kinda fat like a chub myself, because of the pitta and the cheeseburger, lol.

I am not a harsh man, but a wonan can always use a good advice from an older man in this world today, i think. Please listen at the leastest, dont turn against me, please, i mean well.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHamad
Red Disgust. Sounds like someone just came up with the house band name!!
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Ladies and gentleman - give it up for Red Disgust! The crowd goes wild. Monica, you are killing me.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I don't think picturing you flinging the tampon will ever stop being funny.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertori
who is to say she cut you off with ill will. was she an inconsiderate asshole? or was she, say, rushing to the aid of a loved one, dealing with some kind of emergency? we'll never know.

monica, i dream of a world where people can walk - and drive - free of fear of being splatted with random flying blood soaked tampons.

life is hard enough already, what with fratboys who find amusement in spitting off balconies, schmucks who think open window = ashtray, not to mention bird poop.

October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentergina
Yeah, she sounded sorta harmless (besides the nearly running you off the road part!). You're lucky you didn't toss your tampon at a good ole boy. Where I live if you did something like that you might get your city-slickin' ass full of Remington buckshot.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJB
Monica - 100 points!!!You're soooooooooo gooooooooooooooooooood!!! He! He! He! Greetings from Poland!
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKate
Excellent again Monica. LOL

I truly find it amazing that people take the time to pull up someone's blog just to judge and belittle them. First of all how much of what's written is actual truth? Do you know? It's called being a good writer. This is entertainment people. Get over it.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPeace
Exactly! Get it people! Just a great way to finish the story after she received flack from the first tampon story. What better way to give it to all the naysayers than to finish the second story by another tampon flinging. Come on people! Get the sarcasm already!
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoyce
wtf you disgusting nasty cow, you look like you smell bad but now it's confirmed
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersarah
Ok I dont get it .. so the tampon thing did happen or no?
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Good God I don't even understand why some of you people even read this blog if you don't get Monica's sense of humor. That's the beauty of the whole blog. She's making fun of you for being such prudes about the post before this one. Of course she didn't throw her tampon on someone's window. Sheesh.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Yes, yes---- the road rage tampon toss was a joke!

I don't think anyone can be considered a prude if they don't appreciate a flying, used Tampax, Gemma.

We still love us some Monica, or I do! Please write some more stories!
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
um, Sarah, can you post your picture please? Are you serge's ex? Haa, fucking loser.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkaren h
Ok. So Hamad and C.L. are the same person?
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
Well, the first post here with my name wasn't written by me but oh well...what can you do?
Women going to strip clubs isn't cool. Men going to strip clubs isn't cool. Places like that demean women even if some of them say that they are "professional dancers" and like the money. They are still women being exploited, even if their social/financial conditions force them to agree to being exploited. By going to see them strip, we support their exploitation and are also promoting a "man's world".

Forget the tampon, you contemplating going in to see women strip sickens me more.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeg2Defer
If you've ever been to a strip club I think you'll find it's the men being exploited - not the women. They laugh at the drooling masses.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Well put Aimee. well put. Silly fucking droolers.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoyce
my oh my. Monica sure does have a good time playin with ya'll. Some of you are totally hip and some of ya are sooo lost. She just kills me. Thats ma girl. Monica I entered ya in the tampon toss again at this years family reunion. It's not at cletus' place tho, it's at blodwins trailer park. Beatrice has reached her "womanhood" and is enterin. She has a secret I hear. I'll try n get the goods. Has somethin to do with WD40. It's good to hear yer practicin. Holler at ya later.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
OMG. Seriously? Some of you so fucking stupid. Hey, here's five bucks -- go buy yourselves a clue.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitywendy
An article from the CHicago Sun Times:

http://www.suntimes.com/special_sections/crime/37612,cst-nws-mobslave18r.article

"She was 23 and earning good money as a marketing manager in Riga, Latvia, when a stranger, oozing compliments, sidled up to her on the street and made her a tempting offer.
How would an attractive woman like her like to travel to the United States to dance in a bar and make big money--$60,000 in a single year?

No nudity, no sex, no catches.

Just dancing in a bikini.

The woman, who would be known later only as Linda to a federal jury in Chicago, was intrigued. In Latvia, even doctors earn only $30 a month.

Before long, she accepted the stranger's offer, and thus began a journey that turned her into a terrified sex slave, held captive and beaten in homes in suburban Mount Prospect and Lincolnwood, and forced to strip at clubs."

<b>It is also clear, law enforcement officials say, that Linda's story is not unique. For several years now, Russian and Eastern European organized crime figures have been bringing women to the United States, including Chicago, where they are forced to strip and dance nude and work as prostitutes. </b>

This is also the case for many strippers in Europe and Asia. But I'm sure all of these girls just "laugh at the drooling masses" so let's not concern ourselves with them. IT'S COOL TO GO WATCH THEM!! COOLNESS AND HIPNESS FOREVER!



October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeg2Defer
Oh no! I wonder if Crsytal Chandelier at my local strip club is actually a Latvian woman dancing against her will? How ever will I feel good about giving her five bucks to shake her ass?

Any woman that accepts some weird offer from a stranger is an idiot.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
Regardless of any flying tampons, Monica is a fine writer and a good human being. Tampons don't bother me, even if I got my windshield smacked with one. Well, that actually would kinda suck.

But hell, I cherish those mornings my groaning, sleepless girlfriend makes me get up and drive to Walgreen's and get her some tampons. I'm the only one in the store, no one to ask me--upon seeing me screwing my face up at the bloated shelves--do I need help. Nah, I got it, I think. But do I choose name brand or generic? Shit, will she think I don't care about her, that she doesn't deserve something as nice as Tampax Pearl, if I go for 'Greens' product?

But, a question about blogs (since I don't read too many besides Mrs. Bielanko's)--what the hell are they? Fiction? Memoir? James Freyian truthiness? I don't get it.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJB
HA! Good one, Monica. You have a great sense of humor.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrownie
beg2differ-- if you have chosen your profession of free will (stripping) and are getting paid (handsomely) then it cannot be exploitation. and i agree aimee...it's the dumb schmucks that go that are being exploited...
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
Thank god, Monica's Mom has a clue also. What a bunch of fucking losers. Haaaaaaa Oh, I am referring to the ignorant and gullible. Yes, you!
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMo
I can't believe so many people didn't get it! I repeat - you're good, Monica - other 100 points! And I keep my fingers crossed for you. You know - because of the best job ever. Good luck! ;)
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKate
Congratulations to Beg to Differ. Someone who has the same sane intelligence of seeing the bigger picture at work here. Unlike the rest of you losers that will just believe whoever has the loudest voice and whatever everyone else thinks is “cool”. The men are being used and exploited? No way! Sorry! They are spending their money yes. But who do you think first said that? I will bet you anything it was a stripper or prostitute trying to justify herself.

The facts are that when you give your money to strip clubs and purchase Pornography you are in fact supporting the entire situation and hence the exploitation of women. My heritage is from Eastern Europe. I know what Beg to differ is talking about.

I find it amazing how many people disagree. It’s like buying all of Marilyn Manson’s CD’s - then saying you don’t really support his behavior etc? But his music is cool? But you just put your money in his pocket? Huh? I suppose some of us are better at logical thinking than others.

This country needs to clean this up. The US government has done nothing to stop the porn industry which is connected to the biggest criminal enterprises in the world. Do you really think that the mafia is down at the local massage parlor shaking up the owners for chump change like Tony Soprano? No. Today they are involved in the so called “legitimate” business of pornography. Why beat up a massage parlor owner for a couple thousand bucks and risk being arrested when you can monopolize the internet sites for billions (yes billions – with a “b”) use that cash to funnel things and support other criminal activity’s?

Back in the 1990’s France was displeased with its international reputation as an epicenter of porn production. There response? A 90% porn tax imposed on the in 1999. Today this has stifled the French porn industry to practically nothing. If you rent French Porno made in France expect to find a lousy video with big haired women circa 1981. The porn bought in France is not even made in France anymore. And it’s also subject to the tax. Which you must report to the French IRS and in some cases pay double tax on. Goodness how embarrassing. Line item 10 – Porno at Spankys porn shop $200. The heavy tax also gives the government leverage to arrest these criminals for tax evasion. The same thing that was done to Al Capone in US history. What the hell is this country doing? Have no idea why the US doesn’t do the same thing They could pay off the national debt and clean up society at the same time..

And no – I am not some religious freak or Zealot - please don’t throw that label at me. You followers. Stop purchasing Porn and going to the titty bars. No wonder there are so many on the wrong side of the tracks. And that bar was so small and lousy looking. Probably a bunch of overweight town tramps Small town not many patrons - doesnt even have a neon sign. and everyone knows the patrons hence the social factor - it keeps it down. Like BEFORE the internet came around.
October 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Oh please, Michael. Porn is entertainment. Strippers are entertaining. If you are a consenting adult, you're hardly being exploited. You need to get down off of your high horse and join us in the real world.
October 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrownie
The real world Brownie? Perhaps you mean the sink. It’s sad that you refer to it as “join us in the real world”. Things didn’t always used to be like that. The collective effect of millions (your just one) of people in this country made it that way. By purchasing pornography you are directly supporting it.

It’s sad that someone like me is referred to as being on a “high horse”. Really. I draw a blank to that. I’m not on a high horse. I’m simply telling you where your money (and time) is going. Remember next time you purchase pornography. You are polluting your mind. Your brain is sort of like a computer. What you put into it you will get out of it. Trash in - Trash out.

I am not a follower. I have actually the annoying habit of getting out when I see others (sheep) piling onto something - like the followers they are. It’s like that song from one of my favorite’s bands ever (since age 13) the Cure “jumping someone else’s train”. Most people just listen to the loudest voice. They look around and see what everyone else is doing. That’s you Brownie. 8)
October 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
hey, michael, that is about the only thing you have said that actually makes any sense and I agree wholeheartedly.
October 12, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterms t
I'm really enjoying this. I've learnt alot about American culture through this particular blog entry. I now know that I'm REALLY thankful not to live in the States cos I'd weigh at least 50 kilos more than I do now.I have no idea what apple dumplings, whoopie pie, peanut butter fudge or even a pumpkin pie are, but they sure sound delicious and I'm sure that after only 2 months in the States I'd be walking with a cane. Also, it's so funny to read all the bickering and see two clear sides. One group, who are onto it and one side, who are not. Now I understand why there was a US civil war and why there could still be another one give a few years.
October 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
So now I'm a follower? I don't think so. You are absolutely on a high horse. Prostitution isn't referred to as the oldest profession for nothing. It's been around forever. Porn, I'm sure, has been around since the first time film was used. Erotica has been around in some form or another since pen was first put to paper. There are some pretty lusty entries in that King James Bible you are obviously standing on. So, yes. Join us in the real world. The only difference between now and then is that people aren't secretive about it. Garbage in - garbage out...are you saying sex is garbage?

By the way, it's Y-O-U apostrophe R-E, not YOUR!
October 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrownie
Give it up Michael. Arguments with people that don't comprehend the argument can never be won. Let's just sit back and snicker!
October 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeg2Defer
This is not a spelling contest. A lot of things have “been around forever” that doesn’t make them right. The porn today is extreme. It cannot even be compared to the porn via yesteryear. Old paintings and 1920’s nude snaps? Please. That’s like comparing oh… Paul Revere – to the internet. The “porn” that is on today is not even porn anymore. It has become too extreme.

I don’t need a King James Bible to see that. Lusty entries? I don’t know. I’m not that familiar too much with the Bible. Hmmm. So I wouldn’t know. There goes your label.

People aren’t secretive about it anymore? You are definitely right about that. But there have been plenty of peaks and valleys throughout the history line. People have been open about it - and secretive about their activities throughout different eras. Since you are such a history buff you should already know that the former always seems to come before a fall. Coincidence? I think not. You should read up on the Roman Empire. Rome didn’t become the dominant nation in its day by being “pro sodomy”. This happened in the years leading up to its weakness and collapse. That’s a fact. Look it up. Or watch the History channel.

October 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
There should be an enormous Tax imposed on Porn in the US. Just like France did. That would be so awesome. It would clean everything up and pay down the debt. If you want it. You will have to pay Top $$$ for it. And just keep raising the tax up and up and up until it’s practically gone. Unaffordable. Just like they are trying to do with cigarettes. It is so easy.
October 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
word
October 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterms t
So this country can become just like the ones we fleed? What happened to freedom? This is America, people. We have the right to smoke cigarettes, to watch porn (between consenting adults), to make our own choices! The government should not be taking these freedoms away from us. If we allow them to take these 'little' things away, because of our so-called morals, what will they take next? Do NOT let anyone take away your rights!

[sigh]

Nevermind, it's pointless to argue. You'll never get it.
October 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrownie
um, it's "fled" not "fleed." Ouch, that noise you just heard was a rock hitting a glass house.
October 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commentershutupalready

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