Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Monday
Oct232006

Cocksucker Rhymes With Motherfucker And Other Tales

Yesterday I was minding my business, happily doing laundry at the laundromat, in an inexplicably good mood, when something happened to rocket that good mood to great!

The laundromat is crowded on Sundays. Everyone who suffered through Saturday hangovers decides to get productive after sleeping in on Sunday. I include myself in that generalization, of course. I think I drank most of the crap wine from the year 2004 at The Surge's friday night gig.. but that's a story you've heard before.

You can enter/exit the laundromat through a set of doors in either the back or the front of the building. Each set of doors opens onto a different block. I was in the midst of lovingly pressing two dryer sheets onto my favorite red sheets, was just about to bid adieu to my friends The Sheets and close the door when a man carrying a gym bag loaded with God knows what, probably automatic weapons, entered the laundromat from the back.

"HEY COCKSUCKERS! SMELLS LIKE FIRE IN HERE. HEY COCKSUCKERS! IF THERE WAS A FIRE IN HERE YOU WOULD ALL DIE." He said this congenially if a bit forcefully, as one is wont to do when calling a group of strange folks cocksuckers. He strode purposefully through the length of the laundromat issuing his rally cry. Awesome! I thought to myself and slammed shut the dryer door. I immediately set to following the fellow, again - as one is wont to do for strictly entertainment purposes on a slow Sunday.

"GOOD LUCK COCKSUCKERS!" He said as he banged out the front door. God love him, he turned in the direction of my home, so as he was already going my way I continued a good pace behind to watch my own personal documentary unfold.

Our man was in his mid thirties. Not a bad looking fellow. Typical Brooklyn-born-and-raised features. Brown hair, bit of a beard sprinkled across his pale face, red sweatshirt, black sweatpants and gym shoes. Like he just finished working out and decided to trot through the laundromat and call us all cocksuckers for good measure?
"HEY MOTHERFUCKERS!" He shouted as he strolled importantly down the sidewalk. Of course nobody looked. "BUNCH OF COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKERS!" He continued. Hey, that rhymed, I thought to myself. Cocksucker/Motherfucker. I filed that information away for future use and continued to observe our man.

Tourrettes? Nah. This dude is in complete control of his faculties. If anyone passes him directly on the sidewalk he courteously stops shouting until they've walked by and then he kicks in again with his mantra. Retarded maybe? Doesn't appear to be but one never can tell as many men here in the city are just a saliva string away from retardation.

Dude crossed the street so, of course, I crossed the street. Sunday in Williamsburg is the perfect time to follow someone if one doesn't want to be spotted. The sidewalks are more crowded than Salt Lake City during Mormon General Conference.
"MOTHERFUCKER! GODDMAN MOTHERFUCKER! GRAB IT BY THE NECK!" He continued in a disturbingly conversational, non-crazy tone.

Two little kids, a boy and a girl, both about five years old were walking hand in hand down the sidewalk in front of him. Our fella ruffles the little boys hair in what I believe he thought was an affectionate manner.
"Ouch!" Shouted the little guy.. Unfortunately, at this moment our fella zigged back across the street and I continued home. But that shit was better than Zoloft.. Cheered me considerable. Good show, my man.

I was immediately brought down though when I attempted to fold my fitted sheets. I hate folding fitted sheets. There is something so innately unsatisfactory in the process. I like smooth sheets, hard corners. Those fitted bastards, they're a handful. That's how susceptible I am, though. Guy shouting COCKSUCKER in a crowd = happy me. Folding fitted sheets = where's the wine?

Speaking of wine... Last night sevenish - The Surge is making his signature dish (stir fry) for, like, the ninth time this week as I watched America's Funniest Home Videos. What is it about watching idiots hurt themselves that is so enjoyable?
"Baby, let's pretend like we're on a date tonight." I called to my beloved.
"Whaddya mean?" He replied over the pop and sizzle of chicken in Peanut Oil.
"Like, you ask me polite questions about myself and act interested and I'll sit here awkwardly, commenting on the books and CD's on your shelf."

He didn't reply right away but unbeknownst to me he had really taken my date idea to heart and was preparing himself. A short while later, during a particularly hilarious montage of men passing out on their wedding day The Surge inquires whether I'd like more red wine.
"Sure." I said, never taking my eyes off the television. God forbid I miss Grandma accidentally setting her hair on fire at Debra Sue's wedding after standing way closer to the church candelabra than is generally advisable. I held my wine glass aloft so The Surge could fill 'er back up. That's when.... HE DUMPED DAMN NEAR A FULL BOTTLE OF RED WINE ALL OVER ME, MY CLOTHES, OUR COUCH AND VERY NEARLY THE KEYBOARD ON WHICH I'M TYPING.
"What the????" I gasped. That's when I noticed my husband standing in front of me, mouth agape, clutching an empty wine bottle, his manhood hanging forlornly out of his button-fly jeans.
"Um?" I inquired.
"It was a joke" He spluttered while running for a towel. "What do we use to clean that up?"
"I don't know!" I shouted. "It's RED WINE! Everyone knows red wine stains! Didn't you see Can't By Me Love"?
"Hot water?"
"That doesn't sound right!"
"Cold water?"
"I don't know! Maybe Club Soda? They always seem to use that in the movies."
"Yeah, let me just get the Club Soda we keep in our stock room."

We ended up using ice cubes and the Shout that was left on the counter from my earlier trip to the laundromat. Surprisingly, it worked quite well.

"So can I ask why you dumped wine on me with your penis hanging out of your pants?" I calmly inquired when the whole mess was cleaned?
"I was playing date night, like you said. I thought it would be funny to politely offer you wine and when I came to pour it you would be staring directly at my.. well - you know."
"Fantastic idea!" I agreed. "But your execution could use a little work."
"I was just so excited to see your reaction I was looking at you and not your wine glass. I missed."
"Yeah, you missed all right."

Reader Comments (18)

A hilarious story for my Monday morning - thanks Monica. Surge should try swinging it at you next time - that is Rob's big move...to run naked through the apartment, singing and dancing and when I enter the room to spread his legs, stand firmly in front of me and swing it at me....

Ah romance!
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
I would rather have my boyfriend serve me a penis with his wine than the ex that used to tuck his member between his legs so he looked like a girl. I would scream and tell him to stop but he'd just laugh at my reaction. Gross!
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Too funny. Typical man thing. I can see my hubby doing to exact same thing. Why is AFV so addicting? Sometimes I can't change the channel. BTW salt gets rid of wine stains very nicely. You just leave it there
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermary
Red wine stains = Take dawn dish liquid and peroxide comes out in a flash.

The reason I know is because my DH decided to dip his member into wine to make it "Taste Great" What are they thinking?
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
This post and these comments are cracking me up!
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
so, not enough to have a closet full of red wines stains - apartment full too?? funny! see you funny c-s'n mofo's friday!

CH
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChuebe
Hilarious!!

Better to take it out during the wine decanting and not the stir-frying!!
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWryter
He is TOO much! Thanks for making my shitty afternoon enjoyable! :)
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSanna
Good lord my boyfriend is staring at me, wondering why I am laughing so hard. "Can I offer you some penis with your wine?"
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I love the way you embrace the crazies of this city when others (myself included) turn away from them.

I hate folding fitted sheets too.

The winning video was my brother's girlfriend's. I didn't watch. I don't like my brother's girlfriend.
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
damn girl. you crack me up nearly every day.
October 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
Your post has made my day. The phrase "GOOD LUCK COCKSUCKERS!" played on repeat all day in my head...I loved it.
October 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbrooke alexandra
Hi Monica,
I've been reading your blog for a while now and while you almost got me with the recent tampon flinging epidemic, the penis posting just made me laugh out loud at work! Loving it!!
October 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterVics
When I left work yesterday (I am taking the rest of the week off) I thought "GOOD LUCK COCKSUCKERS!" That phrase is the best.
October 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Funny how while living in New York I would see a guy like Mr. Hey Cocksuckers and think, "Yep, another crazy guy." Whereas living just about anywhere else I would see him and call 911 because I would be sure he was about to kill someone. Is the craziness all relative?

Funny red wine story. Guys are strange.
October 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
you know what, thats exactly how my first date went. strange coincidence.
October 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
What is it with guys sticking their things in weird substances? On my birthday my husband rubbed frosting all over his, stuck a candle to it and brought it to bed. It was okay. A little messy but okay. At the time I thought it was a cheap ploy to get a blow job ON MY BIRTHDAY. Which, lets be honest, it was. It still makes me laugh though. Thank goodness he didn't try to light the candle!
October 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJaney
Monica,
Loved it! I must second the notion and agree that this is EXACTLY what I needed after having a shitty week... Thanks!!
October 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine

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