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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Sunday
Jan082006

Titty Titty Bang Bang

I'm pushing thirty harder than our Greek friend Sisyphus, condemned to roll the stone up the mountain forever.. and like that damn boulder - thirty is gonna come crashing down sooner rather than later. Another thing that's come crashing down, as I've previously chronicled and will again I'm sure, are my fun bags.

While tired ol' Sisyphus pushes that rock into eternity, I push thirty as far away as possible. But that thirty, he's a tricky bastard. He sneaks up on me at the strangest of times.

Like today. My mind lapped into Sunday morning like lake tide, slowly but steadily rippling toward shore. Once conciousness declared victory I sagged out of bed, not so much climbing as leaking from underneath the comforter, pouring onto the glacial hardwood floor.

I slippered up and shambled out to the kitchen like a medicated old man and put the coffee on. The box of berry flavored Kix in the cupboard cheered me significantly and I set to pouring myself a generous helping. It wasn't until I'd filled my coffee mug and was headed for the ingredient that would complete both brewed bean and cereal that I made the horrific discovery.

No milk.

At the worst possible moment. The specter of a deliciously large portion of fruity Kix goodness and a steaming mug 'o' java was the only reason I was upright. I leaned against the counter, contemplating the waking nightmare of no milk at eight o'clock on an ice cold Sunday morn. Once again I hopefully cracked open the sadly hollow fridge in case she had suddenly produced nector for the cereal lover. Alas, like a mother breastfeeding triplets, she was dry.

This absence of milk is worse than finding no toilet paper after a satisfyingly rigorous bathroom session because, well, there's always paper towels - but aint nothin' suffices for milk.

Grudgingly I jam my feet into my boots, pull a knit cap over the wiry mop nesting atop my noggin, throw an old Marah sweatshirt over my filmy pajama top and make the mad dash for the corner bodega.

This is where it gets interesting.. Because like a baby, I WANT MY MILK, I eschewed the ten second process of strapping on a bra. Just too damn much effort.. And so, fun bags a flinging, I am forced to engage in an odd sort of sidewalk shuffle. Goes a little somethin' like this:

Monica scrambles awkwardly, while boobs jostle for attention from passersby.
"Look at us! We're free! Swinging free for all to see!"
"Hey you! Yeah, you - creepy guy in the black leather trenchcoat! Check us out!"
"Hidey Ho there fella with skin the color and texture of oatmeal, beady eyes and the patchwork facial hair! Train those tiny eyes this way and you can see our nipples!"

I end up shuffle running until someone pops out of a doorway or leaves their stoop directly in the path of my winging winnebagos. Then I screech to a halt and walk in the frantically casual fashion of a bank robber until they pass, at which point I break into my awkward shuffle run. Whenever I abruptly stop, my freewheeling front bounces to a halt about ten seconds later.

I had to smile this morning when I realized the irony of my milken mammaries competing with my quest for milk.

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Reader Comments (14)

This was hilarious! You made my day! : )
January 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany
You know? I enjoyed turning 30. The fact that even though I'll be 34 tomorrow I still easily pass for 27 might be part of it, but I enjoyed it. I liked the credibility it gave me. Like no one could make me sit at the kids' table anymore.
January 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMs Sisyphus
Ha! This is God's way of evening the score for all us small-breasted women out there.
January 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy
haha. you turned an inconvenient situation into an amusing scenario :).
January 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoey
Heh, I love your blog :D
I plan to come your place more often. Seems like a good place.
January 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTDH
Ba-haha! Loved this one. ;-)
January 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLolaWants
God that was funny. You know, it may be funnier than "Naked" in some ways...Cant wait until you're published.
Later,

CChild
January 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
Did you read Naked? Are you in love with Sedaris!!?
January 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Thankyou for visitin' my Blog. It was Pleasure to read yours'. You 've such Unique Power to make people read what you 've written in Such Strong words.

I hope you 're doin' good. Do visit my blog again.
God bless you.....
January 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBoxin' Champ
oh Monica! You just kill me!
January 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Artist: Cowboy Junkies
Song: "Sun Comes Up it's Tuesday Morning"
Album: Caution Horses
January 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMelonade
...snicker...
January 12, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermoi

Hey there - Im a frequent visitor to your blog - finally decided to say hello

December 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlissa

Hello! Thanks for reading!

December 15, 2009 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

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