Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Jan312006

Drunk Dials Be Damned!

My very dear friend Anna and I are taking bold steps. Being the intelligent, creative, stunningly beautiful types that we are, (it's true: at the bar last night I told Anna she's creative, she informed me I am too. Then, after three more shots of liquor I said she was intelligent and she said I was too! The stunningly beautiful part? After two more shots of Jagermeister, we felt that's as obvious as Tom Cruise's sexual proclivity) we've decided to enter the world of inventions. We figure if the guy who invented Post It notes is rolling in cash, two inventive vixens such as ourselves will be hobnobbing with Jay-Z and Beyonce on his yacht in the South of France in no time.

Under cover of night we are currently hard at work building a prototype of our very first invention. Eli Whitney and his cotton gin ain't got nothin' on us. Are you ready? Brace yourselves, you are the first to hear our plan of worldwide domination:

Drunk Dials Be Damned! You'll never again wake up hungover, feeling like a cat shit in your mouth, only to realize you've ruined months of hard work building Upper Hand in the tragic wake of being dumped by FuckHead, by drunk dialing his sorry ass the night before to express your undying love.

Here's why:

Are you ready for this? Y'know how cops have those thingamajigs folks have to blow into in order to test blood alcohol levels? And y'know how some folks who've been busted drunk driving more than once sometimes have to get one of those thingamajigs attached to their car and then blow into it in order to start the car? Well, my dear friend Anna and I have decided to build a breathalyzer right into our cell phones! Easy peasy! I was going to say Japaneasy but figured in this day and age that ain't politically correct. Strangely, the words honky and cunt are gaining momentum as terms of endearment. Anyhoo.. what'dya think? A grand idea! I know Andy, Richard, Chris, Cory, and Tim will thank me profusely for my inventive effort.

Picture it: You've just finished your fifth shot of whiskey when The Song comes on. You know the song. The one that makes you tear up and say "Oh my god, this soo reminds me of (insert Fuckhead's name here). You get to thinkin' about all those good times you had in between the two times he cheated on you and the other time you walked in on him masturbating and now you want to call him "just to say hi." At three o'clock in the morning.

With sobriety working in our favor now, I'm certain we can all agree, calling an ex ain't a good idea at ANY time, let alone three in the A.M. But you don't know that. In this scenario, you're as loaded as the pistol Sean Penn keeps lashed to his right leg..

So you flip open your cell phone... but what'dya know? Thanks be to jesus you've purchased one of Monica and Anna's Drunk Dials Be Damned! YOU FAIL THE BREATHALYZER! Thankfully, you won't be drunk dialing anyone tonight. We've just saved you months of ground work attempting to rebuild post relationship Upper Hand by "accidentally" running into him while your hot cousin pretends to be your new boyfriend or starting a rumor that you lost 20 pounds and got offered a job in Paris.

I know, you're getting excited I can sense it. Seems like a good idea now, doesn't it?

What's that you say? What if you're really in trouble and need to use the cell phone to call for help? Why, Anna and I are a step ahead of you! If you roll your car, are getting chased down a dark alley or discover your boyfriend dead from auto erotica related asphysxiation, simply tapping in the digits 9-1-1 deactivates the breathalyzer.

Look for us on a QVC channel near you!

Reader Comments (6)

Monica,

Great idea! With the alcohol sensor that is used in this flashlight... http://www.cnn.com/TECH/computing/9906/16/driving.while.illuminated.tt/ you wouldn't even need to blow into the phone... just on it.
January 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
Hi there! Long time reader, first time commenter. (How cheesy was that?!) I think your idea is GREAT...but there is a problem. What if you dial 911 to deactivate the breathilizer, hang up and then proceed to dial the ex? Or, what if you just need to use your phone to call a cab/ride home? Perhaps you can restrict certain phone numbers using the breathilizer technology. I'd like to get in on the ground floor of this project! :-)
January 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnother Girl Who
If I failed the breath test, and was unable to call any ex-boyfriends, I'd probably dial 911 anyway so that I could at least feel like I drunk dialed someone. I love hitting on cops. Especially when I'm wasted!

PS. You and your friend Anna are the most brilliant beautiful girls I know! (I'm only kind of wasted right now).
January 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
I've been reading you for a few months now and this post brought me out of lurkdome. I HEART your invention and I'd consider selling a limb for said invention.

I really could have used it the other night, a few glasses of Chardonnay, The Song and a few weepy tears and I called My Mr. Big just to say "Hi". Uh huh, just...hi.

January 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Yay Lurkers! Come play!
January 31, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Check it! http://www.mobilemag.com/content/100/340/C4915/
Those crazy Koreans...
September 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKat

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