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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Jan032006

Haunted

I called my best friend Lisa yesterday just to say hello. Strange I still refer to her as my best friend when I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen her in the past three years. But that's the way I feel. I know I could show up on her doorstep after not speaking to her for ten years and it would still be as if we shared a locker at Orem Junior High yesterday.

Lisa is married to an aspiring doctor and has two boys. She's lived in Grenada, New York City and now Minnesota.. so we don't see each often. But she's still the same girl who calls me on my bullshit, can see through my fronting and sets me straight when I get to thinkin' too many thoughts. I love her.

I think the ridiculously devoted friendships I had during my youth is a huge part of why I have such a difficult time meeting women now. I grew up with a loyal group of girls.. We met in elementary and junior high, nearly a dozen of us bonding over boys, jeans, and our ever changing hatred of one girl or another because she made the grave mistake of sitting by our boyfriend at lunch, or gave us a dirty look during English class. We've all been friends ever since despite the usual girly fights and drama. We reminisce now and laugh at our intensity over such frivolity.

I don't think one makes better friends than those we connect with at the ages of 12-16.. You go through so much at that age, everything is a matter of life and death that requires hours of intense phone discussion, then three-way calling to include other parties during which that person may or may not be aware three people are on the line, lunchtime pow-wows and of course, sleepovers.

Your adult self is developing at that impressionable age and the fabrics of your personality interweave with the personalities of those you spend the most time with. My life tapestry has colorful threads from my childhood friends and loves.. They will always be a part of me, I will always be a part of them.

It was so much easier then.. Now that I'm pretending to be an adult I find that so many people have erected facades of propriety and accomplishment and aren't as inclined to call me at three in the morning, sobbing their eyes out and tell me they need me, to come now. I just can't form a connection with the woman in accounting because I, like, totally love her jeans and we think the guy in Human Resources is so dreamy.

I need to feel needed. I am the perfect friend during someone else's crisis. I am the girl who will spring from bed and come to you, regardless of the time, no matter where you are. Nothing links women quicker than laying out the complexities of a relationship, mourning our fat asses or the super glue bond of alchohol. Spend a night drunkenly giggling with a stranger and she's your best friend by last call.

Now I am surrounded by adults with can-do mind sets or don't care attitudes and I long for the joyfully dramatic days when gossiping and crying was the bread and butter of friendships.

And so, I am haunted by these personalities from my past, the friendships I can't seem to replicate in adulthood. Where are you all? Do you think about me? Do the friends I remember even exist anymore? You've probably all changed, the passage of time and the stresses of adulthood erasing any vestige of those I used to know..

Reader Comments (5)

I know exactly what you mean. My best friend Kim. She and I haven't seen one another in 6 years. We rarely talk. She's still my best friend though. Has been for 27 years.

I too yearn to make new friends who too just want to gossip. Like you I will spring out of bed even when I am ill, runny nose, crusty eyes to the aid of a friend that may need me. I long to find a friend or friends who would be willing to do the same for me as well.

To be in school again would be nice. <sigh>
January 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
I feel young. At 21, I still have this. The girlfriends who call when the relationships end. Nights where laughing and drinking doesn't end. But I am envious of you. I can't wait to be settled. To be done with school and get on with my life. However, I thought that all of these things from highschool/university would just continue into the next stage of my life. I'm confused now.
January 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
In a sense they do continue Hoopla. But when you move away it's difficult. Like Monica if she and The Surge were living in Utah, I am sure that Monica would have what she misses now. But being she is in NY now it's hard to keep that going. You have to make new friends somehow, that have already got their group of close friends already. It's hard to put your foot in the door sometimes.

With my best friend and I she lives about an hour away. Our lives are much different. She married at 19, had her first child by age 20. I was living the total single girls life partying. Our lives were totally different. We keep in touch though. Just we have drifted a bit, but still consider one another best friends and still can tell one another anything and everything.

My friend Amanda on the other hand she lives about 2 hours away. We can go without speaking for ever and when we do speak it's just like we saw one another the day before. We don't miss a beat.

It's hard when your in your 20's and 30's to make new friends. At least friends that you would like to have or had before you moved.

Tabatha for example is a new friend. We just met finally after a year or so of chatting online. I feel close to her maybe more than she does me, I dunno. But I know I have found a friend for life in her. That's because I reached out to her and she to me as well. Sometimes you have to do the reaching out, because some just can't read minds and aren't sure if you are wanting to be that good of friends or not. It takes time.

I know that someone Monica knows had a hard first year or two himself in NY when he moved up there finding those kind of friends she describes above. He contemplated many times of moving back to Richmond because of it. But he toughed it out and well look at him now.
January 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Monica – damn I wish you lived closer to Chicago. My best friend lives in Michigan, and is the only person left in the world without an answering machine OR voice mail, so we seldom talk on the phone and see each other once or twice a year. Also? Her computer is usually broken so we can’t even e-mail. BUT – we make up for lost time with our all night drunken ramblings when we DO get together – even though she is now married and we both have kids. (Some things never change!) But I know what you mean. I lost a lot of friends over the years due to some pretty bad choices I made, and although I do have friends now, a lot of them are phony “adult” friends. Nope, can’t call any of them and bitch about not getting laid for X amount of weeks/months/years. It really does suck. The only upside is that through blogging, I found I may have found some of “those” kind of friends – ok, so they are all in cyberspace, but I can pretty much be brutally honest or bitchy or depressed on my blog and amazingly enough these people actually seem to give a shit. Go figure.
January 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdasi
I never had such friends. At least, not gossipy friends. I went to an all girls' school so there was little to gossip about. My friends tended to more of the practical joking, conspiring types.......
January 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjenny

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