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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Thursday
Jan262006

Ain't That The Truth...

This is kind of an Amen Sister! in response to a piece a friend of mine wrote in defiance of the old adage of not going to sleep mad. You know that fat uncle, or the well meaning priest or your great aunt Matilda who warned you and your betrothed, in an astonishingly drawn out wedding day speech, not to go to sleep mad? Well, simply put, they were full of shit.

Many is the evening The Surge and I have argued ourselves into a frenzy. You know the scene.. Two o'clock in the A.M. finds you and your soulmate:
"Let ME talk, I have something to say!"
"You've been flapping your lips all night long, it's my turn!"
"You're the one that..."
"NO YOU ARE!"
"YOU ARE!"
"YOUUUUUUU.."
"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!"

Try and work that one out when your brain is more fried than Xmastime's Fourth of July chicken and you'll end up divorced. Or worse, sleeping on the couch. So if you're yet to be married, listen up! Or if you're trying to better your union by reading some ridiculously self-righteous, self-help nonsense about not going to sleep angry, PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND STEP AWAY. Go eat Oreos or Doritos, Burritos or Spaghettios instead. The book is toxic.

Sometimes you gotta go to bed mad. Morning is the supreme mediatior. Ain't nothin' gettin' solved after midnight, trust me. Just go to bed. By morning you'll wake up, look at each other and say "what the hell were we arguing about last night?"
"I don't know. It was probably your fault though."
"No, it was probably yours."
"Yours!"
"YOUUUU!"
"YOUUUUUUU!!!!"

Reader Comments (4)

I like your friend's piece, a lot, in fact. It really resonated with me. This may be the only piece of advice on marriage my dad ever gave me. And boy, did he drill it in! I think the advice actually means, and what my dad meant, is remember you love each other when you get in that marriage bed. Remember this is your husband/wife, even if you're pissed. Just deciding to end the fight, for now, is probably the best advice ever. So I do think it's good advice, actually. Don't expect to solve it every time, don't keep fighting, and don't push him onto the floor. Just remember you love him, and take a deep breath, and stop being angry, at least until you wake up in the morning and start all over again!
January 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
"PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND STEP AWAY."

Monica, I think you just found the Seven Words of Highly a Highly Realistic Relationship.

For crying out loud, you won't find the solution to your life in a book somebody else wrote. If you want Chicken Soup, make some. If you're all about Venus and Mars and all that, get a telescope. Million Pieces?? Please...

You, Red and EDW are right on, from the perspective of my 13 years of marriage. Being mad, arguing, fighting... That doesn't mean you stop loving the person. If a good row now and then threatens your relationship, there are probably more serious problems at play.

Fight when you have to.
Read what makes your mind soar.
Laugh at yourself.
Love always.
Get some sleep.
Together.
January 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Great minds think alike... and think exactly the opposite of each other, which leads to the "No, YOOOOOUUUUU!" Thanks Miss Monica. We need to meet for adult beverages soon. Or at least some music. Somethin'

By the way, I really like the way you came full circle in this post.
January 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterstephanieklein
we have a steadfast rule in our house (learned the hard way): no big dicussions or arguments after 10pm. we turn into toddlers throwing tempertantrums when we discuss something big past our bedtime. everything looks different(and better) in the morning.
January 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan

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