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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Wednesday
Jan252006

Naked Ambition

My effort to take a shower for the first time in two days last night set into motion a strange series of events that ended with me naked and my dog arduously trying to sniff my naughty bits. I think he's in love. But wait, let me go back.

Maxer and I ended our day by walking along the East River, him pawing broken beer bottles and endeavoring to gobble used condoms, me taking photos of all and sundry (see daily photos). We returned home, at which point I left my digital camera on the bar in the kitchen.

Moments later, I was shimmying through the front room in all my naked glory, my rack cavorting ahead of me like two frisky puppies, when it occurred to me I should put the camera back on it's charger so's I could download my photos apres shower.

Somehow I pushed the button on the camera that instigated the self timer. Now, the self timer ain't an option I've explored since I've had the new camera, so this was a startling development.. Suddenly, I hear a timer clicking faster and faster and then KER-CHUNK! A photo of my naked thigh popped into the digital viewer. This got me to thinking....

Ten minutes later, shower long forgotten, I had the camera perched precariously atop a stack of Dickens (he'd roll over in his grave... nah - he had a good sense of humor) and was assiduously setting the scene for a frisky romp.
Lights - dim!
Furry red pillows - front and center!
Sexy lingerie - check!
Overwhelmingly curious animal licking my backside - yup!

Max's curious tongue notwithstanding, I was dedicated to sending salacious snapshots of myself to my long distance love.. I made good use of my newly discovered self timer and what little knowledge I've gleaned from the Playboys found shoved under boyfriends bathroom sinks. I have a new respect for those models. Hiding rolls of flesh and sucking in the gut proved more difficult than I thought. Twisting, contorting, arching... Those yoga junkies Gwyneth and Madonna would have been proud of my sinuousness.

Max was thorougly befuddled by my antics. There I am, clomping around in knee high black boots and a filmy negligee, stacking books on the floor, reorganizing bedding... pointing obscenely with my ass.. I must have looked like.. well, like Paris Hilton any night of the week.

Eventually, my naked ambition must have inspired Max because he leapt on the bed and stood smack in the center, staring dopily at the camera. I'd try to shove him off, but he sack of potatoed (he's wily, that one) and wouldn't budge.

I must explain here that Maxer loves him some camera time. If I have my camera out and point it in his vicinity, he'll stop whatever he's doing, puff his barrel chest outward and toss me his most aren't-I-a-magnificently-handsome-young-man expression (again, see daily photos)

My mom's favorite Max photo op story goes a little something like this.. When she came to visit with my younger brother Shaun, I was headed for London. I had left for the airport, but my mom and Shaun were spending an extra night here.

She and Shaun were sitting on the couch in the living room when it occurred to her that she wanted a photo of Shaun and Max. Jokingly, she shouted to Max in the bedroom, "Max come here and sit by Uncle Shaun, I want to take your picture." As he was luxuriating on the bed, Max gave her an annoyed look, sighed, clomped off the bed, rat tatted across the hardwood and climbed onto the couch next to Shaun. Mom says he looked directly at the camera, posed for the photo and, once the flash went off, loped off the couch and trotted back to the bed.

See what I mean?

The dog loves the camera. In fact, when I showed him today's daily photo, his chest swelled like Grandma's gout and he looked very pleased.

Ultimately I gave up trying to shove Max off the bed.. Unfortunately, although Photoshop can do wonders for hiding cellulite, it doesn't crop out the dog sniffing your ass while you attempt to look provocative.

But I emailed 'em off to The Surge anyway... He loves Max so much my brush with beastiality is probably a bonus.

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    If the point is sharp, and the arrow is swift, it can pierce through the dust no matter how thick

Reader Comments (8)

Oh lord that was funny. I can just picture you trying to look hot while Max is plopped on the bed. Did The Surge get the pictures yet?
January 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSunny
Okay, so be honest... would either of these worked??

1. Hey it's me... The Serge.. uh, I mean The Surge. Yeah. That's the ticket. The Surge. Anyway, I wasn't able to download those pictures you e-mailed, so why don't you go ahead and just post them on the blog. Okay. Gotta go now. Bye! Uh, if you ask me about this later, I might forget that I sent this email. Okay now. Oh yeah, one more thing. I met this guy who posts on your blog once in awhile and he let me use his login name, so if it says "Wry Bri" under the author, just ignore it. It's not him, it's really me.... Really. Uh, Bye!

or.....


2. Felicitous salutations, dearest friend.
I am emailing from a small, little-known city-state that has lots of consonants, one vowel (not counting the four "y"s).
I have an urgent proposal to share with you. I have just received an e-mail from a person called The Surge. Apparently he said he's having trouble viewing the photos you took earlier today, and asked me to have you post them on the blog instead. If you would help me, I will grant you an outlandishly large portion of what I am about to inherit from my great, great uncle's cousin's former cellmate.

I'm thinking #2 has a slightly more honest sounding ring to it. Over and out!
January 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
I don't know which is funnier, your blog or Wry Bri's comment. I'm with Bri - give us a peek. G-rated, of course
January 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I don't understand why anyone would want a picture of you Grated!
January 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer Armstrong
We have twin dogs. It's crazy. :-)
January 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMerteuil
wow - i SO wasn't expecting your mom to be mentioned in this post.
January 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
I think I've fallen in love with your dog.


janet
January 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Awwww... I love you then.
January 26, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

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