Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Sunday
Jan012006

My Soul Is Itchy

My sould is itching and I can't seem to scratch it. I want to make colossal changes. Gargantuan remodeling. I want to scrap the remnants of my broken personality and sweep the dust under the rug.

I want to flex my willpower muscle until it's as strong as a steel girder, not my current elastic resolve that can only stretch so far until it snaps and dangles uselessly.

I want to send my brain in new directions, hone my thoughts into sharp arrows and sling them from my bow into the heart of a better future.

I'm not contemplative because it's the New Year, I am ruminative because it's my curse. Sometimes I long to shut off my endless analyzing like a garden hose. A simple twist and presto! Nothing save for a few drips here and there.

I need to make friends. I've lived in New York for nearly a year and although I've made the acquaintance of several personalities as colorful as a gay pride parade, a precious few are 'kindred spirits' as the effervescent Anne of Green Gables would opine.

I've spent the past year in the sweaty embrace of The Surge's gang. They are family. And like the rubics cube that is familial relations, it can be tough to be myself. I can't confide much because they are too close to home. It would feel like I was cheating on The Surge. And I don't think they want to hear my drama. I don't think they want to hear drama period. One can't blame them for that, but it leaves me unfulfilled. I feel the screaming absence of discourse about the direction our lives are taking. We stick to safe subjects like pop culture and hilarious anecdotes from our days.

But I know everyone has their secret strife. I can smell it on them underneath the alcohol anesthetic, can see it written across faces in disappearing ink. I am not in the business of mining personal pathos, but I don't want to bury it either.

Reader Comments (7)

Why do you consider your analysing to be something you could like to switch off like a tap?? Because you are unable to integrate it properly into your material reality. In other words, you don't APPLY it to make changes.
January 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjenny
I don't think you need to have a 'screaming discourse' about the direction your lives are taking. There's a really corny James Taylor song that, amazingly, considering all the thousands of songs that make up my life's soundtrack - this one song often pops in my head when I've got the angst going. 'The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time', James' voice, incredibly soothing, calms me down, gives me patience, makes me focus on the everyday. I've often envied the people who seem so content doing the same job in the same way, year after year -- the guy who has operated the corner news stand for 30 years, you know the type. I often think they've got it figured out.


janet
January 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
I don't want to have a screaming discourse.. it's the absence of any discourse at all that screams.
January 2, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
when you learn how to make female friends in NYC will you pass along your secret? After 4 months in NYC I think it's the thing I miss about home the most... enjoying hours spent with movie-watching, shit-talking, browsing-but-not-buying, wine-bottle-sharing girlfriends!
January 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Somatic markers-- once you have their experiences or relating you will be able to relate. It's an upwards spiral (in some senses)

haha

Those who have get given more.

January 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjenny
4 years in NYC and I never figured it out. Join a bookclub maybe?
January 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
"...I'm not contemplative because it's the New Year, I am ruminative because it's my curse."

So true...so true. Love your writing style!
January 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbettyonthebeach

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