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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Sep202005

Drunk

Had a long day. Am drunk. Drunk typing. That's a new one for me. Am a fantastic drunk dialer.. as numerous ex-boyfriends, my girlfriends, and even Mom and Dad can attest to. But drunk typing..

The Surge is Philadelphia bound. Has a gig there tonight.. And I'm here in Brooklyn. Drinking Yagermeister. Singing songs to Maxer. Worked 12 hours today, 12 hours yesterday.. work tomorrow.. and it's already spent, the money I earn. Headed to London October 1. Never been. The Surge's ex-girlfriend lives there. They dated for a long time, so he's familiar with the lay of the land. Work Sleep Work Sleep Work Sleep.. Why am I using so many ellipses? How do you spell elipses? Too tired to look it up. Where is everyone that I know? It's almost 7pm in Utah. Maybe still light.

I emailed you today. Did you get it? Are you reading this? Am not sleeping well lately. Mind a whirl of thoughts, disjointed words, I combine sentences in my head, then delete them and think of new word combinations. I am mainlining random info into the computer via the keyboard. It makes sense to me. Typing into the void. I can't see you.. and if you read this I won't know.

Sometimes I become aware that every single thing surrounding me is new.. Not even one year old. The Surge isn't a year old yet, the marriage isn't a year old yet, Brooklyn isn't a year old yet, my apartment is still a toddler, the streets I wander are newborn to me. There is no same.. is all new. Am tired of new. Want familiar. Want comfort. Tired of being the new person. Tired of observing, not rocking boats, fitting in. Max is the only The Same. And my old ass clothes. And I wish they were new. Thank god I can always delete.

Reader Comments (10)

Monica, have been in your position many a nights and I feel for you. I've lived across the concrete jungle.. in my own little concrete jungle all my life, but I've moved every year for the past six years. From neighboring town to town in searh of what? Identity, less rent.... a tree to provide shade? Chin up girl, sooner then you think your blocks, your marriage, your job...your blog will be familiar, exciting, stagnant, overwhelming, peaceful. My only question is Yeghermeister???? ;)~
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
New does not equal bad. New is what the cowardly never experience. New keeps dreams from becoming faint memories of childhood fantasies.

But…I know first hand that there is nothing….nothing…like the comfort of home. There is nothing like my nephew’s screech when I walk through the door… “Aunt Baubie…you brin’ me pwezents?”…there is nothing like the smell of my father’s gravy (sauce) cooking on a Sunday afternoon while my brothers and I watch football on TV. There is nothing like having a glass of homemade Italian wine with my best friend while her baby sleeps in the other room…discussing the shit that we did when we where younger and wondering how the hell we got where we are. Luckily enough, I have allowed myself to do this about four times a year. It doesn’t replace familiar, but it beats the hell out of never. And when I can’t be there, I find “there”, here. In the places I eat. In the sporting events that allow it. And in the music I listen to, thanks mostly to your husbands’ band. The folks on the board know that EAST is my favorite song. Mostly because, for me, it takes me home like no song in my life ever has. It screams familiar. It squeezes me tightly when I’m alone and need comfort. Unlike other Marah fans, this isn’t a song I relate to; this is a song that I have physically lived. I have sat on that bridge and looked across that dirty river countless times…sometimes I was there with a beat up journal trying desperately to climb out of mundane….sometimes, I was there what I thought was a severely broken heart…. and sometimes, I was merely there with a hangover and a chicken cheese steak. I had been there alone, with friends, or alone and with friends. I had been there and thought of jumping off. Maybe never seriously, but still had the thought. What would happen to my body? Who would miss me when I’m gone? Is this what I’m supposed to be doing? Where I’m supposed to be? Is this it? It wasn’t. And neither was it for you.

I talk of the crazy similarities between the two of us. I read your “likes and dislikes” section and could highlight what we have in common, which eerily is almost everything. One of the big things is that we left home…for love mostly….but also for a chance to see what’s in store for us…how strong we are…how life will be away from familiar. We both took chances and we both did so for good reasons. New York will never replace your home. Atlanta will never replace mine. But I’m okay with that. You’re okay with it too, but being inside your own head won’t do anything but fuck with you.

My advice….stop drinking alone for a while. Don’t work 12 hours. Register with Expedia and Travelocity and look for sales and get home when you can. Go with Serge. Go without him. Find something in New York that takes you “home”…some place………..some food………………

…………some band (wink, wink).
September 21, 2005 | Registered Commentertallchickbarbara
the girl who is a very pretty girl with a very pretty blog
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterchantilly
You're a pretty damn good drunk writer! Mine would be like, lkjsdl;fj ha ha halkjjkkl beer...more beer.dfjl;ksj :)
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKristin
Drunk texting ahoy leads to shame spiral today. Thank you for posting.. reminds me why I have this blog.. even if nobody responds to the drunk texts.. I always have my blog buddies.
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Monica - Well said, I'll drink to that..

Cheers!

Neo raises his beer
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNeo
Hey, you left a nice compliment on my blog and now I see it was just the booze talking... who am I kidding, I'll still take the compliment.
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKevin
Got your blog from Stephanie klein's so thought i'd take a look. Great writing! Keep it up!
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Oh, what brought me was the "shame spiral" Rhett Miller quote...
September 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Being the new person can be great: It's the time you get to see things with fresh eyes; to stand at Point A, evaluate the terrain and choose whether you want to head toward Point B or Point C or Points Unknown. What an amazing opportunity.
September 22, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralways write

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