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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Saturday
Sep172005

Baby Got Back


It's hard to tell if you've gained weight. You're always with yourself, so you can never be sure. You feel the same.. you look the same, don't you? So you put on your favorite jeans. The ones that don't make you feel like your ass is following you down the street.

Take a deep breath, suck the gut in, squinch the bum cheeks together so's you can shimmy 'em up and over your curves. Mirror positioning is key. You've gotta get in between two mirrors, tweak them this way and that.. You know what I'm talkin' about. The mirror shot that will give you the full on back view of your backside You twist a little, turn a lot, wondering if the jeans don't seem a bit tighter than the last time you wore them, hoping to god it's only because you just washed and dried them.. and you know how that damn dryer is.. always with the shrinking! That's gotta be why they feel so tight today.

It can't be the mounds of take-out from Thai Tai that you and The Surge order nearly every day of the week. It's certainly not that entire bag of Doritos you snarfed down (then disgustingly licked the Dorito dust from your fingers that you let collect there just for that reason) in record time during MTV's eight hundredth broadcast of the Video Music Awards..And there is absolutely no way it's related to the raw cookie dough you spooned straight from the tube three days ago when your premenstrual cravings were on the lam, fleeing from the Midol you were mainlining into your cramp infested body.

Walking to the bank, my ass feels wedged into my usually trusty jeans, like sausage squished into it's casing, they feel so tight my bum isn't even jiggling.. there is simply not enough room! I wonder if I've gained weight.. It's certainly possible I may have packed on the pounds in this city of thousands of restaurants, with no girlfriends to be crushingly honest.. or my mom who - god bless her - just comes out with it..
"You're ass is a little big."
"Really?"
"Yeah.. just a bit, still looks great, just thought you'd wanna know."
"Shit. Thanks mom."
We have a deal my mom and I. I certainly don't hesitate when it's my turn to tell her she's indulged in one too many cookies. But without my A team.. I've been left to my own ass guaging devices here in New Yawk. The Surge isn't much help. If he gets to touch my big ol' bum, he's a happy man. And he's no dummy.
"Does my butt look big in these?"
"Hell no! Nice butt, love the butt, bring the butt to me." No hesitation. He may be up in the night when it comes to many matters of a woman's heart, but he knows a small hesitation when his wife proffers The Butt Question could be fatal. And so it's up to me.

I found myself looking at more women's butts today than The Surge let loose at the Playboy mansion. I try to find a butt that I think is my size, and then see if I think said butt is big. It's tricky work, trying to find your butt on another woman. You've gotta be honest with yourself.. A few times I've tried to trick The Surge into pointing out a butt that's similar to mine, in hopes he'd be more honest about somebody elses' butt... and in that clever way, I can find out what he REALLY thinks about my developing derriere. But he's smart, that one. He's onto me.
"There.. That girl in the white tank top! She's about my size, right?"
"You're waaaay smaller than she is." See! He didn't even look. Sharp as a tack, he is. So here I sit, on the very butt in question, wondering...

Reader Comments (3)

Wow, I know you're married an' all, but he is definitely a keeper! I would say marry him if you weren't already married - talk about text book answers to the butt question. I too do the same thing - try and find a like sized butt and then compare it to mine. And I'm older and wiser than you and I still do it. I made the mistake of doing it once when out with a gang of girlie friends - my mate's bum looked pretty sizeable (sexy mind you, but it has to be said sizeable) and I thought no way can mine be as big as that. So I made the mistake of doing a poll, and came out losing... big time. So it's futile, don't bother - if I were you, I'd just keep asking The Surge as he has all the right answers. And don't do the mirror thing either, unless the one against the wall is angled in your favour. It's much better for your confidence levels to go strutting out in those jeans thinking you look great (and I just know you look great, Doritos or no Doritos) than ripping off yet another pair and feeling miserable because nothing is up to par. And don't ever look at your behind under the glaring fluorescent lights of one of those awful changing rooms where you can see your backside without even twisting round - very bad idea. Take it from one who knows...
September 19, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAli
You'd think with changing rooms, they'd want to use the most flattering light possible in order to get the clothes sold.. right? Soft lighting, a few candles maybe.. So I wonder why the harsh fluorescents? You make me giggle Ali.. I can hear your accent when reading your comments. I luurrrve it!
September 19, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

i get that. the butt never lies. it's there alright, more so the morning after the pizza or subs and beer and it's not happy wedged up against the insides of your best jeans, pressing up against the waist band and like a river of free fat, overflowing the banks of the Butt crack, and seeping into the region once known as our waists...ah yes. It's the blob and it's coming up your back to meet your shoulders...but that's not the worst of it for me... the worst of it is the tightness in the pant leg just below the can..okay....enough said.

May 6, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

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