Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Thursday
Sep152005

What Now?

It's a hot today. And sticky wet. There's so much moisture in the air I'm certain Mom Nature will be forced to relieve her bladder on us all later today. At least the weather's interesting. I like clouds, rain, wind.. I don't tend to hang around much outside when it's all sun, all the time. I stay in, lay low, close to the floor where pockets of cool air caress my damp skin.

Feelin' a little down today. Got off work last night, after being trapped on the fucking L train forever.. The Surge was at the bar with some friends and told me to come over. I went home instead. From what I gather, there was a discussion about this blog, and some folks aren't all that into it. Oh well. Don't log on if you don't want to. If you don't like somethin' I or anyone else have to say, don't log on.. or log on and tell us why. I'm not trying to raise hackles. Mostly I started this as a way to vent, and keep in touch with folks back home. As the folks back home don't really seem to be into it.. I guess it'll just be me venting.

Blogs are strange creatures. I've logged on to other blogs, and most times I come away thinking the folks behind them are self obsessed, writing for a pat on the back, compliments etc.. Or I wonder "why are they telling me this? Is it for shock value or do they legitimately feel this way?" That ain't what this is about. It's for me.. and anyone else who has something they wanna get off their chest. And please, what's the big deal? So that's that.

Had a bit of a late night/early morning blubber when The Surge got home from the bar. There he is, half drunk, jamming bananas straight into the jar of peanut butter, and I'm sprawled across the couch havin' a good bawl. Probably related to the particular time of the month.. I'm all weepy. I saw a picture in the newspaper of a Palistinian in Gaza.. on land taken back for the Palistinians. He was standing atop a hill, arms raised to the blue sky in victory, head thrown back, eyes closed. My throat tickled, nose tingled, and there I am blubbering. And it's not like I've been following the events in Israel closely, only periferally and still, there I am leaking over a photo of something a world away. Maybe I just want something so nice to happen to me that I exalt god in such a way. It's gotta be hormonal. I am lonely, I am exhausted, I want to be stimulated, I want to be excited over something. I get excited over my writing, then I read things others write, and I don't feel original. I feel like one of those girls who auditions for American Idol. She can't carry a tune, but for some strange reason, (probably because her mother told her she was a good singer when she was ten and can't bare to hurt her feelings with the truth now) she thinks she's phenomenal. So we sit at home, safe on the couch, watching the slow motion train wreck thinking to ourselves "she can't really think she's that good". Yet there she is, belting out her ditty, struttin' round like a peacock, while Simon mugs for the camera and Paula tries not to laugh. That's how I feel sometimes about my writing. Some teacher told me I had a way with words in third grade and here I am twenty years later, pretending to write. Ah well. I should go wax my arm pits before The Surge divorces me for a sexy Marah fan (Barb!)

Reader Comments (13)

Divorcing you for a sexy Marah fan. That will not happen Monica. NO WAY!

Anyways....as far as the discussion about this blog. Well I am none to please about that since I am assumming who one of the friends were. Don't even call me or email me to tell me not to post about you anywhere. If he can discuss me to people then I can discuss him to other women. That is if he was one of the people discussing it last night with The Surge.

I'm not going to apoligize. I'm simply tired of being told not to discuss anything about him anywhere on internet land. They are my feelings, MINE! I can discuss them with whomever I choose too. I'm not dogging you, I'm not bad mouthing you. I'm sorry someone else may see this that you may not want to see it, quite frankly maybe they need to read it, maybe they need to know how I feel.

Anyways I could just be jumping the gun here. One of those friends may not even been there last night, but I have a feeling he was.

Oh fucking well. My life deals with my daughter every day. I may go out once or twice a week if that. I don't talk to many women while out. Most of my friends are men. I finally find a place that I click with someone, yes The Surge's wife, someone I feel when I read what she posts, it's me posting about my life. It's been so long since I've felt connected with another female. And thanks Monica for putting me on your Myspace. I have needed more females in my life, females I could post about my life, that will listen.

I'm not doing anything wrong. The one who is doing wrong is the one going back and telling you everything I am saying about you which is nothing bad what so ever. I've told you once and I will tell you again, people don't need to tell you what I am saying, because I've already told you all of what I've written here. Tell those people who like to be your eyes and ears that I'm a grown woman, to stop running to you and telling you everything!!!!!
September 15, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
Monica, I'm just tired of it really. This isn't the Marah message board. I don't like being censored. Also I am sure that most of the members at the boards there aren't reading this here. If they are, hello people I tell him everything, no need for you to go back and text message him, email him or call him and let him know I've posted something about him here. Thanks but I don't need your help.

If this causes friction once again between us, oh well! I can't keep it inside any more. Talking to people who don't know him doesn't help because it's all just a one sided view. I hate one sided views. I don't say anything to hurt him. Hell as far as I know I have never hurt him EVER! But he's hurt me. He's told things to his friends about me, something that happened to me before Xmas before he came down to visit. I didn't want anyone else being told. I really didn't want him to be told either. But he tells others before even discussing it with me. That was ok for him to do.

I wanted to say what really annoys me is people running to him and telling him I've posted and what I've posted.

I'm not the enemy. Nor am I just any fan out there. I'm the one that tells him he needs to be careful who he gives his information out to. I'm the one who's told him that people are giving out information before they all want it to get out. And he worries what pretty much non-descriptive information I give out about him. Hello....for pete's sake everyone knows where you live pretty much now and where you hang out. I had nothing to do with that!!!


September 15, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Just so you know, Monica, I was NOT part of that discussion, wasn't even there. I LOVE YOU. Will be posting a waxing story real soon.
September 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Oh...PAH-LEASE Monny cakes!!! First of all, if Serge left you he'd be crazy. NO ONE LEAVES AN ARIES! Secondly, my armpits are probably hairier than yours. Thirdly, he can't leave you for me because you and I are too much alike. That would be like leaving Ashley for Mary Kate...except Ashley has really fantastic boobies...

Keep your chin up and STOP WATCHING THE NEWS! Your writing is great and there is no one judging you. No one that matters anyway. No teachers. No well-known writers. No husbands. No fellow bloggers. No one.

If people don't like it...Fuck 'em...Philly style.

Layta gayta
September 16, 2005 | Registered Commentertallchickbarbara
THAT is what this blog is all about.. Thanks for the chin up ma sista's.. Love you all.
September 16, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Hey Monica - I guess the "folks back home" kind of includes me, even though I am a very new recruit to that gang. Just wanted to say hi - up till now I've been a silent reader - but felt spurred to at least say Hello from Utah. I love this blog - it's a really good read, and I can't be accused of flattery just because I know you (because I don't know you that well...) I am secretly disappointed when I log on at work and there isn't a new post by you (I've just discovered heaps of pages I haven't even read yet... yippee!) So there you have it. I'm not a writer myself, or a scrap-boooker or a knitter (what DO I do??) and you know us English, not one for publishing our deepest innermost thoughts for everyone to read... but you never know... stranger things have happened... Hugs xx
September 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAli
YIPPPPEEEEEEEE! (Monica's heart begins pounding and she leaps for joy) I am so homesick for my Utah girls!!! I absolutely adore you for posting you sweet thing.. I recently heard some exciting news about you.. Is it true? And I don't have your email! Send it to me!!! I am so happy you posted. I miss your cute little accent :)
September 16, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Monica I am jonesing for you!

If only there were more hours even minutes in the day… it is past time to log on and let you know I am here, yet a silent listener as Alison described so well. You see I like to sit back and watch you fulfill a passion that has been burning inside, your entire life! I think this whole blogging thing is awesome and I have always known you to be an amazing writer. I know you won’t ever forget the many times you helped me to get an A in class because you practically wrote my papers. I sat at the keyboard as you shoveled thoughts out too fast for me to keep up with. If only I didn’t know you so well, well enough to read between the lines of your down in the dumps day – (I am into it!)

I have especially enjoyed reading the “The girl who” stories. Reliving almost every story with you, laughing out loud with each one. But the idle chatter and the “your comments” peak my curiosity just a little…. Who are all these girls logging on and sharing – girls you know? New Yorkers? And who on hell was out trash talking your site and your writing to your husband, you know I want the nitty gritty gossip, the whole story! If they are women who you have invited to get to know you a little deeper and have no appreciation… tell them to STOP logging on! The women out here couldn’t stop talking about what an amazing writer you are, how funny all the stories were and how they all hoped to post something soon. We all talked about it over coffee last Saturday. The only problem you see, I think you have overwhelmed a few of us who aren’t able to log on as much as we would like to and added to the website 10 fold in a very short week.

Thanks for not being so far away – Love You Sister!
September 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNatty
There's my little Natty girl. Thanks for humoring the late night drunk dial. Keep me posted on the house building. I can't wait until you have my room over the garage all fixed up. I promise I won't toss my cookies on this carpet! :)
September 18, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Oh my gosh - I had to check with Natalie that this was really true... it had me gasping at my desk at work with hands clasped over my mouth in horror, whispering "Noooo..." Yes I've had some horribly drunken nights, turning up at some love interest's house in the middle of the night, hammering on the door Monica style, only to find him NOT THERE and being let in by kindly roommates & staying in his bed anyway (alone!), waking up with a colossal hangover & trying to sneak out before either he gets home or one of his roommates catches me and manages to wangle my name out of me. At least I managed to stay incognito that time.
September 18, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAli
Whoops - posted that in the wrong place - see I told you I was no blogger! And the rumours are true - I am "up the duff" as we like to say in Ol' Blighty. Everything going really well :) Do email me - alison_moss@fastmail.fm and in the meantime I'll keep reading - I love it!
September 18, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAli
Alison! Am so glad you're reading AND posting. Yay! I will email you this second..

M
September 19, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

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