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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Friday
Dec092005

Looking Back

I've been writing since, well, since I learned how to write. But you know what I mean. I've kept a journal since I was seven years old. When I was ten I read The Diary of Anne Frank and it messed me up, forever changed the way I perceive the world. Anne taught me that the journal of one young girl could have a massive impact and radically change the way humanity views certain events. When I finished the book and discovered that Anne died in the concentration camp I remember laying on the bathroom floor with my face shoved in a towel so no one could hear me sobbing. That's when I began journaling full time. Recently I've been rummaging around in the stacks of my old journals to take myself back.. I've decided to post entries I find that make me giggle or cry over my old self...grammatical errors and all..

September 5, 1989
My brother Brandon is 3 years older then me. That makes him 15. If you compare him with alot of my friend's brothers he's kind of weird. He likes music that I consider repulsive. I like music that he wouldn't listen to if his life depended on it. He's kind of funny. See, like if the neighbors would call him a devil worshipper (even though he's not) he'll go around all dressed in black mumbling weird things. Just to make the neighbors think he really is a devil worshipper. Sometimes he teases me and hits me but I still like him. He's a cool brother.

September 8, 1989
Today was the day of the dance! It was so fun! It wasn't like I expected it to be though. Alot of boys came up and asked me to dance. Some of them I didn't even know. I had fun but didn't dance with the boy I wanted to dance with though. Afterward me and my friends went walking all over the place. It was fun. Today was the best day I've had sence school started (junior high). Now my mom is grounding me for something I had nothing to do with. She lets my brother run wild but when I'm gone for a while she flips out. I hate this house. I HATE IT!

September 14, 1989
Here are my goals:
1. do good in the Orem Junior High.
2. do better in math
3. go to college and graduate
4. and be a reporter/author
5. maybe someday visit egypt cause I'd love to climb the pyramids
7. not be so moody all the time
8. learn how to have fun cause sometimes I'm a boring person
9. be friends with Oaklee Allred cause she looks like a fun person to be with
10. stay friends with Aspen & Joanie cause they are my best friends in the world
All these goals are important in my life right now I don't have any future goals except for goig to college and gettng a job.

September 18, 1989
In my oppinion Beauty pageants are pretty stupid because it doesn't matter what a person looks like. I don't think if an ugly lady got up and had more talent then any of the pretty ladies, I don't think she would win. I hope one of these days a fat, ugly lady will get up and show everybody her stuff. Don't get me wrong i like to watch Beauty Pageants and see the ladies but one of these days I hope there is a lady that had lots of talent but is not so pretty and wins! It bugs me how some people think looks are everything. Just like money. But looks definately are NOT everything!

Reader Comments (5)

Cute post. My husband (ex Mormon too)-- his family is from Orem too. Funny coincidence!
December 9, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersusan
What I find amazing is that I can still hear your personality and your voice even in writing of yours from so long ago. You have a unique voice, that obviously you were born with.
December 9, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJAY
you were a radical thinker back in the day... you knew beauty wasn't everything, you knew passion/talent had more to offer others than a preparation H wearing beauty queen...but honest too, you could admit you liked to watch. :-)
December 9, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterheichi
I remember one of my first scribblings: a brithday card to my sister. A lot of it was written backwards but the jist was:

Heather

Heppy Bifday. Shy yis 5 yis old!
December 9, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
those days seem like yesterday to me, but a lifetime away to you. How I wish those days were here again, even your graffiti walls in your room. I knew that anytime I would move (not open, as the door was not on hinges) your door and peek in to see what you were doing, there you would be, always sitting on the floor, knees up, nose in a book and eating popcorn with way too much salt on it. I can't even stand to think of it too long because my heart aches too much and I bawl even as I write this. I know how you hate it when I bawl! I love you my missy girl, and miss everything!!
December 10, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermama

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