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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Tuesday
Dec062005

As Good As It Gets?

I'm having difficulty blogging lately... That's not to say life has been lacking in the excitment arena, be it the good kind or the bad... I just don't feel inclined to share.

The readership of this blog has exploded. Which inhibits me from revealing what's really going on. I started this blog for three reasons. Most importantly, to practice writing every day. Secondly, to organize my book, my thoughts and my feelings. Therapy online. Cheaper and not as invasive. Lastly, I wanted to connect with people, those friends I left behind in Utah and new acquaintances from New York and the internet. All of the above have come to fruition. And it's been fantastic. But now I am stuck. Unable to share my real feelings and the events in my life at the risk of offending those close to me. And some things just aren't for public consumption, which lately has left me nothing to blog about because those are the thoughts and feelings foremost in my mind.

So maybe this blog should be of the shallow variety. Funny anecdotes, occasionally forraying into marital discord and depression but nothing too deep, no real feelings of despair, desperation for fear of offending or coming off whiney... I AM an admitted habitual complainer.

I am at a crossroads. I want to be happy, content in my life and for various reasons I am finding that nearly impossible. My situation begs the question; do I change my circumstances in the hope of achieving happiness, or is that just an illusion, the Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome that most Americans suffer from? There is always the possibility that I am simply a weakling and need to tough shit out because this is as good as it gets. I don't know..

Reader Comments (43)

I doubt your blog has "exploded" as you say, I think you're being way too presumtuous about your readership. Especially since your post yesterday garnered just one comment. If you don't feel inclined to share, then don't. But don't go around thinking that you're stephanie klein or something, because I hate to break it to you, but you're not. Get a grip and write or don't write, but the complaining is starting to get to people, so I doubt your "exploding" readership will get any larger.

Cheers!
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie Onymous
Whoa! Maybe the "complaining" is getting to you. You don't know if it's exploding or not "Annie" only Monica knows by her IP log that she can see on here, that is telling her that people are reading. No she may not be a Stephanie Klein, because she is Monica Bielanko. So maybe instead of you telling her to write or not to write, if the "complaining" is getting to you then either read or don't read! How's about that!?

Monica, I know exactly how you are feeling. Had the same issues a while back ago. I can understand wanting to write about something but you don't want to hurt the loved ones or ones around you. Do what you feel is necessary. I will read as well as others. I enjoy whatever you write. Always get a few good laughs of what you write. Feel I know what your talking about most of the time.

Do what you have to. But keep writing about anything you want. As you told me in an email keep writing! Whether it's about depression, whether I had to post under a different name or had to change names of others in whatever I wrote, just keep doing it. I will never tell ya not to write because you are a fantastic writer. You are you! Why would you want to be someone else anyways? Takes the fun out of that!

I'm reading and I don't see it as complaining nor do others. Got to get it out some how, somewhere. I am glad you share it with us.
December 6, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
Monica I know you told me to stop posting and get my own blog site, but I can do what ever I want, so neiner, neiner. I just wanted to say what a pussy "Annie Onymous" is, I mean if you are going to come to some ones site and bash them as kindly as she did then have some fucking bitch nuts to lets us know who you are. I mean what kind of a cunt (sorry if that offends the other female readers) reads some ones personal shit and then just lies in wait to pounce when they reveal some sort of chink in the armor? I suppose it just goes to show that jealousy is an emotion that sure brings out the best in people when they can hide in cyberspace. So Monica, keep on posting what most everyone feels, but lack the courage to post, I am sure it helps those who read get through another day.

Later,

CChild
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCChild
crikey. AO, number of comments does not equal number of readers. i think a grand total of 3 people have left comments on my blog but i happen to know people read it. they simply choose not to comment publically.

if complaining is getting to you, here's a novel idea, DON'T READ IT. where do you get off telling anyone what to write?
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteranna
Right on CChild and Anna!

And Bravo to you Monica!

December 6, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
Dude, I don't know about anyone else but I feel like no writer should compromise on what they want to write. Monica, you are awesome, as you know very well, and yes maybe sometimes people might be offended, shocked, disgusted, enlightened, beautified or just plain left in stiches...but isn't that the point of all art...to evoke feelings..good or bad?

Please don't stop!! As of late I haven't had time to comment alot cause I'm actually working at work and my foot is still laid up so when I get home I'm lounging, but I still read your stuff because frnakly I'm a the-girl-who addict.

Don't worry about what other people think, and if they have something shitty to say..f'm and thank the gods that your writing reveals emotion, becuase that is the shinning badge that means its good.

:) Julia

Ps I just saw this weird thing that says I am logged on as Fiabug.... does anyone know why?? Bueno tis I Julia just in case.
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Now I'm me...talk about an identity crises!! :)

Do you know why it did that Fiabug??
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
i'm not fiabug, but the system had me logged in as her as well. i closed out, came back in, and it was ok. sorry julia, not an answer but at least you know it's not just you :)
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteranna
WHOA! That's totally some freaked up crap! Hmmm strange, Real strange! It's whacked. Let me log it out now. LOL
December 6, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
use it any way you choose. i do. sometimes its a happy go lucky post even though im being crushed inside. somedays im writing from the hurt i felt days ago and its moved into that place where i canlearn from it. you choose.

but i hope you choose to stay and say. because your words, written and typed as they are , speak to me, and though i dont want to speak for them, im sure they speak to the others here.
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterghost
youre very welcome, monica
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterghost
I am so horrified by what A.O. wrote to you Monica. Please just ignore her ridiculous comments. I guess I'm one of your many new readers who read your blog daily and like the others, I never intended on commenting, but after A-hole's nasty comments I felt I have to. I found your blog through S.Klein and since then I have never looked at hers again! I find you to be a really fascinating person. I saw photos of you first before reading your blog and it was just proved to me again. how one can never judge others by how they look.......you are incredibly attractive, fantastic figure, look like you've got it all together and then when I read what you write, I find you to be so "human", insecure and so down to earth and "normal". One minute you can be so utterly hilarious, then the next so moving. I also enjoy how mainly it is your friends who respond and not judgemental strangers.
So anyway, please ignore all of us "quiet" readers. We all think you're great, entertaining, interesting and can identify with you, otherwise we wouldn't be reading your blog. Even those of us in Austria would buy your book!
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
fuck you ms. onymous and quit reading. Stay to yourself where you belong.
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermama
Forgot to say....you're also an absolute natural talent when it comes to writing.
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
"exploding" may have a whole different connotation to her. It's exploding "her" world and only she knows how it's affecting her personal life. Whether there is 1 post or 1000 posts, thats not to say how many are really reading. Ya never hear much from me but I am an avid reader! Your book will be "maavelous daahling" and can't wait to savor every page! keep it up!
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJoyce
annie-- eat our collective ass with crackers.

monica-- barely anyone reads my blog and i'm suffering the same feelings you describe. that's is why my posts have been so mind numbingly boring. i can't say what i really feel. sigh.

have you thought about have another, totally private blog that even the surge doesn't know about?

susan
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersusan
niedichen is right on. I found you through SK and am one of those vicarious floaters, too busy/lazy/uninspired to write my own, but totally relate to what you write on a daily basis. I never comment on the blogs I read, but wanted to add to the collective FUCK OFF for Annie O. You're a beautiful writer, and as a single woman terrified of marriage, I find a lot of what you write resonates w/ me. Good luck!
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterE*ROCK
Please keep writing; you're saying what I only wish I had the courage to say out loud :)

Your stories are amusing and comforting and so very familiar. Your writing is helping my writing. Thanks for that.

Cheers from the road!

Kelly
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKelly E
Wow. I smell jealousy. *shugs shoulders*

Maybe keep a more private blog for those more personal thoughts? I don't know the answer...but I do know I enjoy your writing. As for your posts, I love the flat out honest and laugh out loud funny "Girl Who" chapters. I think they are brilliant!
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
please don't stop writing. i look forward to reading your posts every day.....
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterheichi
Annie O - not nice at all. Uncool, to say the very least. As for the readership exploding, I know a few people who - unrelated to each other - have mentioned your blog to me in the past few months, so I would guess that's happening in worlds not related to mine, too.

Keep doing what makes you comfortable, and people will keep reading. Good luck - I know it's a hard, hard balance.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersandra
Whatever you decide to do Monica, I'll keep reading. Dunno how many men read your blog... I get the feeling that it's mostly da laydeez, but I enjoy seeing life from the 'other side', as it were..
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDan
Top 10 reasons why Annie Onymous is a Bitter Bitch

10) She’s on a raw food diet. Healthy, but when the blood sugar goes down, it turns really ugly.
9) Her boyfriend just dumped her for someone who has a life.
8) Her initials stand for AsshOle
7) Her writing sounds like something an ugly, constipated, spinster from Brighton would write in a letter to her beautiful and talented younger sister.
6) “But don't go around thinking that you're stephanie klein or something, because I hate to break it to you, but you're not.” Her grammar sucks.
5) She has nothing better to do than to count how many comments someone made on a piece of writing on a blog. I can give her the name of a great sex-toy shop where she can buy a vibrator. Might as well spend her day massaging her cunt instead of being one.
4) On that note, I think they also sell butt-plug removers. Maybe she forgot to take hers out?
3) I ran into her on the street the other day. Turns out no one wants to buy her collection of Kenny G tapes.
2) …or her t-shirts that say “I’m with stupid.” (The arrow points up)
1) “The girl who” is not Stephanie Klein? Thank God Annie pointed that out. She really shed some light for all of us idiots who are unable differentiate between the names “Stephanie” and “Thegirlwho.”
Fact of the matter is, I don’t know who Stephanie Klein is…don’t particularly care. All I know is Monica has one of the most interesting, insightful, and intelligent blogs on the internet…and with all of those qualities it does not surprise me in the slightest that someone like Annie-O does not appreciate it.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
what a bunch of rump kissers. I see now, you all must be friends.

Cheers!
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie Onymous
Maybe we are friends? Friends do stick up for one another.

Annie maybe you should go find you some? Then maybe you wouldn't be such a bitter, jealous bitch. Ta-ta!
December 7, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
I can't blog a slice of the thigns I would want to because it could compromise people's jobs, visas, etc. That's just life, I've always had to hold my tounge about something.

However, I do get a lot out of reading your blog. It's gritty and real and quite unlike most of the blogs I frequent. I'll keep visiting regardless, but just letting you know I enjoy what is currently on offer.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFernando
My very own hater? Just for me? Suh-weet!!

I'll be so disappointed Annie Onymous, if I find out you're cheating on me by trash typing on other sites.. I want you all to myself. I mean, I'm all for love fests, particularly when they're about me, but they can get rather dull.. Bring on the catty comments! It's so much more exciting to log in every day. Tell your friends! Let's get it started in here! Oh snap! This is exciting..

Oh yeah - SickSadWorld.. if it doesn't work out with The Surge we are sooo hooking up.. damn that's some good shit! Top 10 every day, Letterman style! Do it!
December 7, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Honestly Annie O., I would never consider myself to be a rump kisser, I guess your English, anyhoo its one thing to trash talk, I should know we Cubans have perfected that idiom, but you have to acknowledge the fact that Monica has talent, I mean you don't have to like what the woman writes but you can't say she can't do it. I think you have some problems you need to work out, go find yourself or whatever, but your mean spirited talk only fuels a writer..you my dear are the stuff bad guys are made of, so I guess I should say thanks...you've inspired a new evil dooer in my brain...but until then..fuck off you whiney bitch. I thank you.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
You are amazing, Miss Monica. Keep up the good work! Don't let anything or "Annie"-one (haha) stop you from writing what you feel. Looking forward to your future posts.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMartha
Hey I think we have a jello pool match going on here!

I know Barb and you wanted to do a partners but one on one can be entertaining!

Let the jello flow. LOL
December 7, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
I read your blog regularly, Monica, but have only posted a comment once before (see journal entry "Pregnant") so I am living proof that Annie O. is full of sh*t. Anyway, I digress, I wanted to post a comment to let you know that selfishly I will be sad if you stop blogging or if the nature of your blog changes. As I've told you in e-mail it's amazing to me the way you can say so much of what I'm feeling but I'm not able to share with the world. All your feelings of depression, insecurity, body image, etc., I'm right there with you. I get it. You say it. And, so well. Of course, if it's not feeling right to you you must go with those feelings. It's very personal and must feel right for you. But, I'll miss the courage to feel that your writing gives me. Hell, it could all be bullsh*t for all I know. You may be the happiest, most secure person in the world. But you capture the feelings that so many people share and yet feel alone in so well.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
I like to read this blog too. It is well written. I certainly can't relate to many of the sentiments because my life has been, and is, completely different from Monica's. Yet, she has an easy, fluid world to convey -- one which, I expect, resonates with the experiential worlds of many.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
"what a bunch of rump kissers. I see now, you all must be friends.

Cheers!"

And you must be a bitter British douchebag who's longtime lover dumped you for a hot blond with big tits who fucks like a teenage gay man. Just a hunch is all. Cheerio.
December 7, 2005 | Registered Commentertallchickbarbara
wow - didn't see that first comment coming! Monica - I understand what you're going through. I have become aware of a few readers on my own site who know me in real life and it's almost always a challenge to forget that. I really can't advise, but if you start over, please let me know where!

(BTW, log in still working weird. This is Pink Lemonade Diva.)
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commentertallchickbarbara
sorry about above - seems to be picking up previous commenter? Anyway - congrats on the new readership!
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
I DO believe it has ballooned in readership, however, I do not think it should mean censorship. Open up, baby, open up and say ahh. And don't worry a lick about them there naysayers. Life is a ride worth taking with anyone you can.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterThe Cuban Missle Crisis
Dear Barb,

I may well be a bitter British douchebag who's longtime lover dumped me for a hot blonde with big tits who fucks like a teenage gay man - er, thanks for that! But I ain't Annie...

x

Monica, write on...
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLady Jane
Hey - more power to ya...just pickin' up for ma sista. Ya never know what lurks.

And I'm not her friend...I'm her evil twin.
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered Commentertallchickbarbara
Damn Barb... sassy and sexy. Love me some Philly soul.. You are my mom's favorite poster. She called me at 1am giggling over using a cardboard toiletpaper roll to blot yourself dry.

However, in all fairness, Lady Jane and I have since set up a correspondence, she's even posted on my blog before and I do believe I'd consider us friends... we have quite a bit in common. She's got moxy, that one.

Anyhoo.. it's fantasic to see so many folks I do and don't know taking up for me..
December 8, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Hmmm... So you're saying Annie O couldn't be a bitter British douchebag who yada yada yada? SURE she could - there are plenty of those chicks to go around! Okay, okay...I'll change "British" to "Orphaned" and "a hot blond with big tits" to "anyone that wasn't you" and I'll change "fucks like a teenage gay man" to "gives a blowjob better than a Kensington hooker with her teeth out".

Better? (sigh)

Your mom likes me? Does that mean she'll have me back? MOM!!! I'M COMING HOME TO YOU!!!!!!!! Shit, I need someone to watch the little brat. Mom, I'm sorry, but I took after dad when it came to chest development. Don't hate me.

December 8, 2005 | Registered Commentertallchickbarbara
After careful consideration I've decided you should keep the "hot blonde with big tits" part and "fucks like a teenage gay man" is cool with me too. I can't help who I am, right?

That said, Annie O very well could be a bitter British douchebag...
December 8, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
You are new to living online so you will simply have to find your balance as to what and what doesn't feel comfortable. Write it, save it as a draft, walk away for a few hours and then read it again. If it feels okay then publish away. You will still probably end up publishing things that later get edited or deleted, but it's a matter of finding that balance.

Or get a blog that is not linked to who you are, as another poster said. That might feel easier, and then you can always change to being public from anonymous when you feel up to it.

For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I know who "Annie" is. And she's not a she. They also don't like strong women with opinions much.

December 9, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercaryn
A man hater? That's so much better than a woman. Chick haters are a dime a dozen, but my very own male hater? Awesome! Bring it..
December 9, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

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