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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Saturday
Dec032005

My Tits Have Seen Their Heyday

"It's official" I told The Surge this morning. "My tits have seen their heyday."
"MmmmmHmmmm..." He barely glanced up from ogling the GQ with Jennifer Aniston's perky ones on display.

Now this exchange between The Surge and I was unusual on two fronts. The first; I generally don't bandy about the term 'tits'. It's just not for me. No, I'm not one of those clinical, ashamed of my body WASP types who breathily hiss the word breasssssts, managing to make it sound more pornographic than tits. It's boobs for me. Boobs projects the right amount of humor, which I think my boobs deserve. And boobs just feels right. Strippers and Pamela Anderson have tits. Laura Bush and Camilla Parker-Bowles have breasssssts. I have boobs. Unless I'm engaged in a heated session of dirty talk with The Surge... but I digress... I was flinging the word tits about to impress upon The Surge the direness of my boob situation.

The second reason our exchange was strange was the fact that The Surge didn't snap to attention the moment the word 'tits' fell from my lips. Granted, he was consumed with thoughts of Aniston's rack, but mine were live, naked, fresh from the shower and dangling not inches from his scruffy mug.

It's extremely safe to say The Surge is ready and willing to discuss any and all things boob related at any time. I could shake him awake at three in the morning and say, "lets talk about my boobs". Within seconds he'd be wide awake, sitting up, ready to expound. My Surgeon also likes to give me regular 'breast exams'.
"Free of charge!" he says.

So his complete disinterest in my tit trauma was not going over well.
"HEY! Didja hear me?"
"Huh?"
"I said my tits have seen their heyday. I've enjoyed them, you've enjoyed them, let's be honest, quite a few folks have enjoyed them, but it's all down hill from here on out."
"Bullshit. Bring them here. Let me take a closer look."
"I am not falling for that... What, do you think I married you yesterday Grabby McGrabberson?"
"I must determine the gravity of the situtation."
"That's the problem! All the fucking gravity! These suckers are headed south!"
"Stop. They look fantastic."
"I can hold pencils under 'em! They say that's the sign." The Surge stared, transfixed while I wedged a Bic pen beneath one and gave my torso and awkward, little shimmy. The pen stayed firmly in place.
"See! That's it. I've got to go strap these saggy boys up in a bra." I sighed. "Or tuck them in my waistband."
The Surge, well aware silence is often his best, safest resonse, went back to perusing Jennifer Aniston's firm little chest

Reader Comments (5)

I had the same tit trauma a while back. Something was wrong. Not that I could put a pencil under them or anything like that -- they're not that big -- but I could feel a ripple of somehow trapped flesh, when I sat down. Something I suppose like feeling the effect of trapping a double chin, if you were to pull your chin in suddently.

Then I went off the pill for a while -- lost excess puffiness in just two weeks -- and they are back to normal again.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
My boobs haven't met that fate just yet (knock on wood) but my stomach is doing interesting - not in a good way interesting - things lately...things that I hoped it would never do. Stupid aging process...
December 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersandra
I've read that copy of GQ...its a good one :-)
December 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
With my body the way it is right now (less than 3 weeks till due date!) I can just about wedge a pencil inbetween my boobs and the belly... just about... if I lean over. Even at 9 months pregnant I'm still not very well endowed in the breasticle department.
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAli
Breasticle! He he he...
December 8, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

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