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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Dec202005

The Reprieve

Here’s what happened to the best of my knowledge. I was looking to replace my dad. In the same way many of you daddy’s girls will never replace the man you BELIEVE your father to be, I was subconsciously searching for someone who would take on the role I believed my dad should have shouldered and didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, he did what he could, I guess, while living in another state. Unfortunately, a once or twice a year visit falls short of imparting that solid support system I so desperately craved during the formative years.

So The Surge has big shoes to fill, doesn’t he? After battling my way through life on my own merit, I was, I guess, longing for a reprieve from responsibility. Not forever, mind you. I just wanted someone else to worry about the bills, the checking account, the savings account in conjunction with me.

I don't claim to be a bra burning feminist, (my rack is far too big for that) never have. I like chivalry, gallant gentlemen who pay for meals, open doors and do manly things like hammering, tire changing and crime fighting. Balancing the checkbook would be fantastic, I ain't gonna lie.

If I’d wanted a financial advisor, a bill payer extraordinaire, I could have married the millionaire that proposed. But I wanted love too. And I guess that’s the tricky bastard of it all.. You can’t really have the best of both worlds...Can you? Do YOU?

I got married and didn’t get The Reprieve I have unconsciously longed for all these years. If anything, life has become more difficult. Being married to a musician is anything but glamorous, let me assure you.

Musicians are generally fiery, creative, risk-takers. Talented people are very hard on themselves, it’s what keeps them going. They continually reject what they create and strive to one-up themselves. True artists are filled with passion, self- doubt, unbelievable drive and determination. Their blood is constantly simmering, always near boiling point, always in danger of bubbling over, always erupting.

If I was looking for security, stability and responsibility I married the wrong guy. If I want fire, passion, romance, and spontaneity, I’m with the right man. I am struggling. It’s hard to give up the dream of The Reprieve.

Reader Comments (15)

ahh but the very thought of being a muse would keep me going!
December 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
Yes, but Monica - it's pretty obvious the two of you complete each other. Not to sound corny, but from your writing it's easy to tell that you found exactly who you were looking for, whether you knew it or not. You and the Surge are lucky people - there's not a lot of people out there that can say that and really mean it.
December 20, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterdasi
I am with you 100%! This coming from someone who is 27 years old and hopefully on the road to marriage! It seems hard, but something has to be better than my heart hurting b/c I miss him so much.
It is a new chapter in life that you have to embrace, I look forward to it! But you definately shed some light on the reality of it all and for that I thank you! :)
December 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Have no idea if you can have the best of both worlds love and money. Who knows?

What you and The Surge have is definitely one of a kind. It went all went very quick. And now look at you guys.

I'm sure it's not the marriage you dreamed of or thought you would be in. It's working. It has it's rough spots. But you work them out or at least try.

I long for that one day. Not marriage, but just one time that a guy doesn't walk away from me because of my faults or me sometimes wanting to just be near them, talk to them, hear their voice.

What the two of you have is special that's for sure. A man who adores and loves you with everything he has. I can see it in his eyes and in his voice when he speaks about you. That's love man!
December 20, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
eek sleek
December 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
I don't think any of my boyfriends have been anything like my father--although some have been odd, indeed. My long term relationships have always been with someone I could joke with, and relax with.
December 20, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjenny
I have no idea why on earth the post above Jenny's is under my name because I did not post that...I logged out I know. Weird.
December 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Yep, I did that. i was very sneaky. I realised I had the chance to say pretty much anything under your name -- but I was kind!
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjenny
I'm slightly horrified to think that my girlfriend (of 6 years) might see something of her father in me...!!
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDan
I love this blog. Just wanted to let you know. ;-)
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLolaWants
The musician thing is completely correct. When I read it, I saw all those things in myself. Scary.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJacqueline
I sometimes I think I married my dad... but not the responsible accountant one that raised me. Instead I married the guy with the white VW Beetle convertible with the red seats and the matching red driving gloves who traveled the world on his own so his opinions and memories would not be swayed. The one who was the first in his family to go to college, even with a learning disability and hearing loss. When my husband looks a certain way, decides on a certain book at the store or a dish at a restaurant I see the guy with the leisure suit and Photogrey glasses from pictures before my birth. It's a bit scary that I followed the stereotype of marrying my dad, but I guess reassuring too in that he was a pretty cool cat.

Now if I married someone like my mom I would be in the loony bin or the penitentiary....

December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDilly
Warning! Unwanted Assvice!

If you write that book and sell it, sounds like you'll have money AND all the passion a girl could hope for. And you can buy yourself a repreive ;)

December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersusan
Great post - very spot-on about creative people and how difficult it is to be in a relationship with them - while they do burn hotter than most and that can sound exciting, I would hazard a guess that it is not always the stability you crave. I love your blog.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterWendy
I don't know what will be worse.

Meeting the man my daughter dates to spite me...
or the one that she dates to replace what she BELIVES me to be.

I'll take Spite for 500, Alex. I just don't think I could bear gazing into the looking glass of her image of me. That's too much pressure. She's only 6 now, and I fear I've already made too many mistakes.
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri

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