Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Saturday
Nov122005

Not For the Young or Faint of Heart (or Mom)

"You don't text me as much as you used to." The Surge reflects sadly over the long distance connecting our cell phones. And it's true. I don't. When we first met, we hopped eagerly aboard the text sex train (as our long distance love required) and never looked back. I recall having to leave the room during a particularly blush inducing session that warranted my full attention. It's hard to type "suck my nipples" when Grandma is chattering about her latest quilt design. Oh puh-leez...Don't get all republican on me, that's PG rated considering some of the pornography our cell phones have sent. The man writes lyrics for a living. You can only imagine the caliber of text. So why the drought?

Maybe it was easier to be raunchy when I didn't know The Surge as well. I've found this to be a pathetic yet central theme in my relationships. The less I know a man, the easier the sex has come, no pun intended. We really pull out all the stops (and the sex toys) when we hit the sack for the first time with someone, don't we girls? Cartwheels? No problem. Headstands, backbends.. 10-4 good buddy! Doggy style? My favorite. Blow job? I'm yer girl!

I've tied The Surge to headboards and had my way. Sex in public restrooms, on mountain tops and hiking trails, even an airport parking garage have all made appearances in our repertoire. During those heady days we considered the backseat of my car rather mundane... Nowdays... backseat shenanigans would be a highlight of the week.

I've donned knee high black boots and tiny plaid school girl skirts, risque lingerie, including, god forbid, the detested G-string. Have even been caught on camera, all for the private pleasure of my betrothed.

Yet now, when we've developed a bond, a closeness that surpasses anything that came before, I find myself almost shy. The dirty talking does not fall trippingly off my tongue, as it used to. Am I a tease of the worst kind? The kind that instead of simply flirting with a man for drinks then leaves him alone at the bar, pulls out all the stops for marriage then leaves him alone in the bed?

We chicks, we have it easy. Play defense, that's it. We don't have to coordinate any offensive maneuvers. No strategizing, no pregame pep talks.. Just play defense. And there are so many tools at our defensive disposal.
"I don't feel good."
"I'm too full."
"I just feel gross."
"I'm too fat."
And the effective sacking of the quarterback trying for the touchdown: "It's that time of the month."
But I'm not afraid of The Surge thinking I'm fat or gross. It's the intimacy that scares me. The Surge is the most passionate man I've ever met. WITHOUT QUESTION. He doesn't pull any punches when it comes to loving me. This is new to me. I can turn tricks with the best of hookers for a man who retains his emotional unavailability. Because I don't have to deal with the intimacy. But The Surge is challenging me to be in love. Daring me to dance with him in this wild world and so far I've been a big pussy, without providing the pussy.

Reader Comments (2)

Reading this I was thinking damn you and Serge would be great at doing my job. LOL
November 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Something I have learned......and I have had lots of sex with lots of men............when in love, it gets better with time! My boyfriend now, which I never want another b/f, just him, at first I thought OH NO this is not going to be good, b/c I am a SEXUAL PERSON! I love porn, I have dabbled with a woman or two! :) R does NOT like porn! :( I don't think he likes the thought of me being with a woman either! So it has been tough. Almost a year later and the man can............well let's just say he does ANYTHING I want! LOL I love it, sex is GREAT, I look forward to it and get it most anytime I want! We have fun with it, which is most important! I told my mom I was a Dom and she about fainted, it was GREAT!!!!!!!
That is my take on it! :)
Jen
November 14, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen

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