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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Saturday
Oct082005

Caught On Camera

Brace yourselves. Really. Woke up to the following text message from my Mom.
"Went to film Jordy's (my nephew) first football game. Was completely traumatized for life. Caught a snippet before I could shut it off. Your tape was left in the camera??!!"

The tape my unsuspecting mom is referring to is The Surge and my attempt at porn stardom. Within the confines of our humble Brooklyn abode, of course. When we set out for New York from Utah, my Mom generously loaned us her digital recorder. Well, actually I forced her into lending it to us as it was I who gave it to her as a Christmas present in the first place. She finally came for a visit last week and, as planned, took the camcorder back home with her. In my hurry to pack for London, I must have left a cassette in the player, The cassette, unfortunately, starring The Surge and myself in all manner of nekkid horseplay.

It was about two months ago. As I was feeling frisky, I agreed to humor my always frisky husband. Moments later, we were off in Pam and Tommy land. After each 'episode', we'd turn back the digital recorder and watch ourselves in all our glorious glory. It was anything but a turn on.
"Look at my ass jiggle!"
"Do I really look like that?"
"My boobs! They are flopping and flapping like a ballon in the middle of deflating!"

The Surge rather enjoyed the whole entrepreneurial affair. As for me, after watching my jiggling joggling bum and flopping and flapping boobs for all of thirty seconds I decreed from there on out, the only private porn I'd be making would feature me securely on bottom, effectively securing my bottom to the couch. And so, once again, we strategically placed the camera on the counter and went to town. I liked the result of this last attempt all right. It's not something I'd go back and view for kicks, mind you, but it was interesting to give it a go. Now I'm left to wonder which version my Mom laid unlucky eyes on. She's just texted me, "I think over time and therapy I'll be okay".

Reader Comments (7)

yeah, we've given it a try with our digital camera that records 45 second clips. that is about as much as i could take, it was fun though and kind of sexy too.

my mother, however, would have keeled right over!
October 8, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersusan
I could not help but laugh and sit here with my mouth open while reading this. That is rather unfortunate.

By the way, I watched About a Boy for the first time this morning and thought of you and the Nick Hornby experience. Fabulous movie now I must read the book.
October 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
I would be horrified watching myself get my groove on.....ugh, in the horror section DEFINITELY!

Great story! hehe! I love the way you write!
October 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDeb
I was at my best friend's house, mind you a gay male. His camcorder was in the living room, he was somewhere else, like the bathroom. I thought it woudl be pictures of his kids (yea he was married to a woman once). So I pressed play and looked through the view finder thingy, and my jaw dropped and something wouldn't let me put the camcorder down! LOL Joel walked in and said JENNY! I stopped, looked at him, and smiled, I said GOOD JOB! He was so embarassed! Great story!
October 10, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen
OMG!!! LMAO!!! Dude, my mother would flip the f out! I could never get my man to record ourseles, he's a little conservative in the bedroom. i think you've inspired me to try it out..lol. I;ll just have to burn the tape afterwards..just in case..
October 10, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
Your mom knows how to text!
October 11, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
eek.
October 13, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

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