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Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
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Wednesday
Sep282005

Pussy Party

It didn't start out a pussy party. But that's how it ended up. Drinks and conversation were flowing, the men somehow ended up huddled in the living room sipping beer and tossing around sports statistics instead of the football they wished they were throwing. The girls migrated to the kitchen and the drunk bonding began. Before I knew it, I was divulging one of my deepest, darkest secrets. Roast beef. No, not my favorite thing to eat, although it is arguably The Surge's favorite late night snack.

Wait. You're lost. Let me go back. Way back. About three years before the aforementioned Pussy Part, my friend Melissa and I had, for one reason or another, most likely due to her live-in boyfriend at the time, stumbled onto a Playboy magazine in her apartment. Naturally curious, we flipped it open and began thumbing nonchalantly through glossy photos of girls in anything but natural poses. Casually at first, we scrutinized these women, like ourselves, yet completely alien. As we flipped, our interest increased.

Womens' plumbing has about as many styles as Lindsay Lohan has purses. A lot. And I'm not talking about the styling of the er.. um.. the hair, down there. This is the actual equipment I'm referring to.

Maybe this is old news to most men, and some women, but for me it was a 'this just in' newsflash that the burgeoning popularity of the Brazilian bikini wax brought boldly and baldly to the forefront.

As I perused Playboy's pussies I was jolted by a vague memory. About two years prior, back in my college Cosmopolitan reading days, when I really believed "50 Hot New Tricks To Keep Him Coming Back" would really work, I recalled a letter published in the advice column.

The gist of the sought after information was this: the young lady wanted to know if it was normal for her inner lips to be bigger than her outer lips. Huh? By 'inner lip' does she mean the part that rubs against her teeth? Following that train of thought, outer lips must be the portion on which you apply lipstick? Maybe this girl has really big, Angelina Jolie style lips? But is that a problem? Hmmmm..

Flash to the future, our inspection of Playboy. Like a migraine at rush hour, it hit me. She was talking about down there! As I had yet to have an orgasm courtesy of oral sex, I tended to leave 'down there' pretty much to its own devices. This was before I got my wax on so the area in question was generally hidden underneath a small thicket of hair. But looking at these naked vixens, captured by the camera, allowed me a good gander. I realized what inner and outer lips meant, and it had nothing to do with mouths, unless it was the mouth of your significant other.

On many models I could see, what can only be described as inner lips, protruded like tiny tongues, from between the outer lips. Other women, were neatly packaged like a store wrapped Christmas gift. A tightly wrapped BOX, if you will, a pink bow on top, nary an inner lip to be found. These pictures bored me. This was what I had imagined a vulva should look like. Skin, with a line down the middle. A smaller version of a butt, really. It was the other pictures that drew me.

The everything-out-there girls. They had all the usual equipment, but when legs were splayed, delicate inner lips popped out and saluted the camera. Velvet pink rose petals. These must be inner lips. Makes sense. But then there were the roast beef girls. Their goodtimes simultaneously fascinated and repulsed me. The woman, legs spread, with what appeared to be roast beef peeping from outer lips. Mocha colored and wrinkled, this was not something I associated with womens' genitalia.

Melissa and I discussed each picture, each new vulva in great detail. From rose petal to roast beef, pink to coffee and cream colored, our bodies were mysterious packages, waiting to be unwrapped.
"Are you a rose petal or roast beef?" Melissa blurted.
I tilted my head to the side in deep consideration. After nearly a minute ticked by I replied, "You know, I don't know."
Each of us took a turn locking ourselves in the bathroom with Melissa's hand mirror, conducting our own pussy patrol.
"So?" She asked when I emerged, a new woman.
"It's sort of an outie and somewhere in the middle of rose petal and roast beef. It's kind of lopsided, one part sticks out more than the other because one side is rose petalish, the other is roast beefy."
"Hmmm." She carefully considered this new information.
"What about you?" I asked, hoping she was fully roast beef so I could feel better about my own strange situation.
"Outtie, but rose petal." she replied in what I imagined to be smug tones.

Thus began The Roast Beef Years. Years I couldn't orgasm from oral sex. Instead of losing myself in ecstasy I would imagine each valiant man who attempted to break me of my oral orgasm-less state as munching roast beef. Eventually marijuana and liquor helped cure me of the insecurity. Well, the drugs dulled me to the insecurity and helped me in my struggle to achieve an oral orgasm.

So, aided, once again, by my liquor lover, I confessed my roast beef vs. rose petal theory to my girl gang, and the pussy party began. Genuinely intrigued, the girls began to shout out sentences that would sound strange to ears other than ours.
"I'm a rose petal!" Heidi shouted. The boys, across the room, clueless, bellies full of beer ignored us, probably assuming we were discussing floral arrangements for Natalie's impending wedding.
"I'm a total innie.." Jenny whispered.
"Lucky!" I griped.
"Which do boys like?" Holly inquired.
"I would guess innies." Alison responded. "They're so tidy."
"Outie rose petals aren't so bad!" Melissa chimed in.
"I think I'm a roast beef!" another friend moaned. "You know, I'm not sure what I am, I've never looked that close." Sarah said.

Curiosity overcame us and we all trooped upstairs to Natalie's bathroom for the Pussy Party finale. The boys, used to us bathrooming in large groups, barely glanced up as we giggled our way out of the room.
Holly went first. She hiked up her skirt and gave us a peek.
"ROSE PETAL!" We all shouted
"What about me?" Sarah inquired.
"Innie-"
"But it's a bit roast beef, look!" Natalie pointed.
"Oooh.." Sarah moaned in mortification.
"That's how I look!" I shouted and whipped down my pants. I looked up to see Natalie's face screwed up in laughter. The wheezing, shoulders shaking, hiccuping kind that makes everyone nearby laugh even if they don't know whats so funny.
"Is it that bad?" I giggle.
"N-n-noooo!" She howls then points at our reflection in the mirror. "Look at us!"
There we were, seven of us, faces flush from booze and laughter, various stages of undress, in our 'you show me yours, I'll show you mine' poses.

An hour later we were still talking and giggling. Some of us collapsed in a heap on the floor, the toilet and Sarah and Alison were using the tub as a couch.

It took us a moment to hear the boys pounding on the door.
"What IS going on in there!?"
We composed ourselves, smoothed our hair, and one by one emerged from our private pussy party, said our goodbyes, roast beef and rose petal discoveries glistening conpiratorially in our eyes.
"Bye girls!" And so I've learned to be proud of my little bit of roast beef. After all, I'd rather eat roast beef than a rose petal, and The Surge wholeheartedly agrees.

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Reader Comments (41)

Oh Monica - classic!! I was wondering if this story would make an appearance but I had no idea how you'd be able to convey it. It's brilliant - so funny! Yes, I was there and have already had a look, but I am sure you will have many women reaching for the hand mirror!
September 28, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAli
Oh my god. I just called my best friend and asked her if she's a rose petal or roast beef. She's an innie rose petal. I'm outty rose petal!
September 28, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJess
I had to, I went into the bathroom and low and behold I am pure roast beef outie..who knew!! :)
September 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
At a bar last night, this was the topic of discussion. The question of the night was rose petal or roast beef, innie or outie? It's something every woman has observed, but never had proper terms to vocalize. I have emailed this article to all the women in my address book
September 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJess
I think I am more roast beef than rose petal, I haven't really inspected since that night! I wish I was an innie rose petal.
I require a significant amount of tongue effort to orgasm from oral!
Ya know, people get plastic surgery to make things smaller down there, I wonder if it would make oral sex more pleasing.....
September 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
Heidi! Yeah, I've heard of the plastic surgery bit.. I wonder if you would lose sensation, like with a boob job.
October 1, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
I tried to show Brian why we label it roast beef....he didn't appreciate it. He hates it when I use those two words! However, I smiler every time I refer to that night in nat's bathroom. Too funny!
October 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
In China, more girls are innies and pink than outies roast beef. Around 90% are of the former type. Usually men prefer the former because they encountered such a shape when they were young. Some artists who have seen many name the former as "yi xian tian", namely "one-thread sky", a landscape in many mountainous areas, where the whole sky is shaded by mountains, leaving only a small opening for you to peep into the blue sky. The tiny open is like a thread to the Chinese eyes. Therefore artists have this esthetic point of view.
January 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlison
Alison - I just saw this today, more than a month later. That is so interesting. Why do the Asian girls get all the breaks.. Petite frames, beautiful skin, silky hair and innie rose petals? Bitches.
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Personally, I've never seen an ugly vagina. But unlike the old saying... It's NOT all pink on the inside.

The anatomical terms for the "lips" are labia majora and labia minora. Whether the minora are beefy or rose petals probably has a lot more to do with genetics and heritage than anything else. And possibly the stage of sexual arousal. The issue is much like the brown/pink areola/nipple phenomenon which has always facinated me.

Personally, I love 'em all!
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
Nipples... another story entirely... So you've never seen an ugly cooter, eh? My husband would vehemently disagree.. I've heard some stooories... Blech! But like you say, it's hereditary.. Is making fun of an ugly vagina like picking on the kid with a big nose?
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Making fun of ugly vaginas is ok. Just stay away from the old man/small cock/fast cars segment of the population.

I have a friend that did his residency in ob/gyn at a hospital in Detroit. He would agree with your husband.

Ok, now I want a post about nipples!
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
The sexiest part of a woman is her attitude, not her appearance. I would much rather have an average looking woman that is self confident and able to enjoy her body than some drop-dead gorgeous woman that is just concerned about her imaginarly percieved short-comings. Think about it, which would you rather have in bed, a guy that is self confident enough to enjoy his body and his lovers uniqueness, or a guy the is so inhibited and ashamed of himself that he cannot enjoy either? Self-confidence is beautiful in a lover, not someone elses definition of pefection- of which I don't agree with most on anyway.
I love big roast beef with dark pigment and think it is a shame anytime a woman has "corrective" plastic surgery to "repair" it. Be happy with yourself, be confident, and be bold in your desires- that is what will make you sexy.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjustaguy
I feel lucky to have an outie roast beef. I've only received compliments. As for the china postings, I think that looking like a child is less than sexy.
April 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commenternina
I think large uhhhh....exterior pedals, are by far the sexiest. You just have to look at it like an art form. If you happen to have enough roast beef, it may save you from having to overcome that cameltoe relief map look!!
So when are the pictures with the score cards going to be available.
June 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLo Hung Thong
My wife has an very limited roast beef, or maybe it's called an outtie rose petal? Anyways, I prefer it over an innie rose petal as it actually gives me something to do... oral pleasure isn't just about sticking the tongue in and out. While the one I had before was definitely a compact innie rose petal, I felt sort of limited to what I could do for her besides lick lick lick.
July 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrandon
My wife has an very limited roast beef, or maybe it's called an outtie rose petal? Anyways, I prefer it over an innie rose petal as it actually gives me something to do... oral pleasure isn't just about sticking the tongue in and out. While the one I had before was definitely a compact innie rose petal, I felt sort of limited to what I could do for her besides lick lick lick.
July 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrandon
F.Y.I. The Brandon above is not the "real" Brandon.
There can be only one.
August 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrandon
I feel horrible about my roast beef lips. I fell deeply in love with someone recently, the first time in many years. A friend of his told me he likes only a certain type,petite, dark hair, right down to only rose petal innies; little tiny pink pussies. I feel so devestated and ugly. It's a good thing I can't consumate the relationship, hes married. I've always felt inadiquite becasue I can't attract and hold onto the type of person I Desire to spend that much time with. Now I have to find out if he wants petals or lips? Life just stinks.
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHangLigs
This is the most interesting blog post I have ever read. I've come across your site in a public place, but I'll be checking my inner/outie petal/roast beef status the second I get home...!
September 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

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