The Food Chain Stops Here

I can't say for sure but I'm afraid I might have made a weird impression on our third couples date of last week. Because how often do you get together with another couple and end up trying to maintain polite conversation while one of them scrabbles around in the dirt yelling for her stray cat to drop that mouse this instant! Is that weird? I worry my ten minute hostage negotiation with Tiger over a mouse may have come off wrong, is what I'm saying.

Yeeeeaaah.

Cats kill mice. I know this. I may have thought facade was pronounced fake-aid until I was 24, and yeah, so what if I still say epp-i-tome (rhymes with Rome) in my head when I read the word epitome (I just did it again right there) but I sure as shit know cats kill mice as a matter of nature and such. It's as much a part of the earth as me french kissing cheese in its varied and glorious forms; on nachos, in sandwiches, tacos, lasagna, popcorn, potatoes, pasta, casseroles, eggs, in a box with a fox, on a boat with a goat, in a house with a mouse...

Kill the mice, cats! See if I care! I don't mind if I don't have to see it happen. Hell, I'm even willing to overlook the eviscerated little bodies you leave on the porch after spending the night engaged in what can only be bath salt-fueled devil worship during which you sacrifice live rodents because Circle Of Life and whatever.

Is it weird to hold funerals for those mice? I'm asking for a friend.

Anyway, stroll up to me with a live mouse in your mouth, a mouse who looks like you swiped him straight from central casting for the next great Disney animation, a mouse that catches my eye and then squeak-cries for its little life... Well, shit is about to get real difficult for your animal ass because not on my watch, goddammit, NOT. ON. MY. WATCH.

Shut up. I can't even watch nature channels because awwww! Lookit the cute little zebra! He is so adorable. Here comes a lion too! What a handsome big guy. Lions are just so beautiful. But the zebra - so sweet. The wittle bitty cute OH MY GOD what is that lion doing WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK LION I hate everyone the world is so unfair we're all going to die.

So the mouse is in the cat's mouth imploring me to do something. Yes, it is imploring, I can tell by its eyes and the specific sequence of squeaks. I beg pardon from my lovely guests, leap off the porch like some kind of deranged superhero of the rodent kingdom and chase the cat right under the deck on which we are politely imbibing the very lovely Cabernet the couple presented upon arrival. I part the bushes, peer between the lattice hammered around the porch and squint into the gloom afraid I might see Tiger chawing on an already headless mouse.

The terrified mouse has somehow escaped the cat's mouth and is running in circles as Tiger saunters over and begins lazily batting it around. For sport! Each time she swats it with a mighty paw the mouse shrieks in terror. Tiger might as well be laughing evilly and twirling a sinister whisker. She picks the poor thing up in her mouth again and I panic because oh my god what if I actually see the evisceration process? Shit. I'm in too deep but there is no turning back!

"TIGER! TIGER! YOU LEAVE THAT MOUSE ALONE THIS INSTANT!" I scream. Somewhere above me I hear the conversation stop dead. A few seconds later Serge begins talking again, his volume amped to an awkwardly loud degree in what is obviously a desperate attempt to cover the fact that his wife is now crawling around in the dirt, under the very deck on which he is attempting to entertain our new friends, trying to convince a stray cat to drop a mouse.

So, Jodie, what exactly is it you do at your job? I heard that----"

"TIGER! PUT THE MOUSE DOWN."

"That's fascinating. I used to know a guy----"

"C'MERE LITTLE MOUSE. OVER HERE. OVER HERE!"

I'm sweating profusely, have dirt caked into the knees of the pants I had so carefully selected earlier to portray effortless kicky sass and now here I am effortlessly portraying crazy ass.

Fucking cat. I could maybe cut you a break if you had chased the mouse into the nether regions of the backyard and had your way with it. But I'm too involved now. What, am I just supposed to return to the deck and converse about which vegetables I'm planting in my garden while murder takes place directly beneath my big ass? There is no turning back. I stick my head through a hole in the lattice and try to shimmy my shoulders in as well. The lattice is rattling, I'm grunting, Tiger, that asshole, is laugh-meowing, the mouse is squeaking...

"So Mark! You're in graphics for a living? How does that----"

"GODDAMMIT TIGER. TIGER! DON'T DO IT."

"Monica and I met at a gig my old band had in Salt Lake City. How did you two m---?"

"TIGER! TIGER! DROP THAT MOUSE! TIGER!" She lets the mouse go and I marshal all my extra sensory perception powers into willing the mouse to run into a tiny crack in the wall. But it just keeps running in circles. Then Tiger picks it up in her mouth again and violently shakes her head like a guilty toddler denying he had anything to do with the crayon marks on the wall. Each time this happens I panic and start shouting at the cat while pounding at the dirt to distract it from the mouse.

"TIGER! TIGER! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS! YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU! LET THE MOUSE GO!"

Fuck it. I'm just about to squeeze my ass through the hole in the lattice so I can get under the porch when, to my great amazement and relief, Tiger drops the mouse and it runs for me. I'm still clutching the paper towel I'd been holding my wine glass on when this whole thing got started and, in one smooth swoop I scoop the mouse into the paper towel, run across the backyard and let it out on the other side of the fence.

No mouse funeral today, I throw a stink eye at Tiger.

Hakuna Matata, motherfucker.

"So Mark! Serge tells me you're into graphic design?" As if I wasn't just rolling around in the dirt with a cat and a mouse before rescuing the latter from certain death. Just another day in the life of a rodent superhero.

So yeah, like I was saying...I can't say for sure but I'm afraid I may have made a weird impression on our third couples date of last week.

Mom Make-Up Tutorial: How To Avoid Zombie Killers

Remember how I said I want to be pretty (or at least try?) Yeah. So I've been trying to slap on a little war paint every day and I'd say I manage it about 75% of the time, which, shut up, it's a whole lot better than the zero percent of the time I managed last year.

It takes me about two minutes to do my make-up. I usually git-r-done over the kids' shoulders as they're brushing their teeth. Oh, you have your own bathroom? How nice for you. Some of us have to run all the way downstairs to the half-bath to poop when our husbands take too long in the shower.

Today, I figured I'd kick off the new video series 'round these here parts with a mom make-up tutorial. Your goal: not to look hot but how not to look dead. If we moms, and shit, all the rest of you too, can just keep this in mind when applying our make-up I think we'd all be a whole lot happier with the outcome. Enjoy!

Country Happenings

All About Onions

Onions amaze me. They confuse me too. In fact, they probably confuse me more than they amaze me but I've been studying up on 'em so I'm hoping to flip that ratio on its head.

A couple weeks ago I planted three different kinds of tiny, onion bulbs (also called sets) in our garden. I may or may not have gotten carried away. Serge might have done a triple take when he saw how many onions I planted. My friend Shawna may have tried to hide her giggles when she saw the enormity of my onion patch. But, well. We eat a lot of onions. We use yellow and green onions on a daily basis in different stir fries we cook. We use the red onions for salsas and taco nights. Also, I was doubtful about my ability to grow things so I might have been hedging my onion bets. But I needn't have worried. This week my onions are popping up all over the place.



The tops of all onions look like green onions, which ignited my onion confusion; are the tops of all onion plants considered green onions? Is that where green onions come from or are they their own thing? And what's the difference between green onions and scallions? And chives? Where do they fit in? And what's all this about a spring onion?

Green onions are their own thing. They're the same thing as scallions (and are sometimes called spring onions.) They are a pungent onion you can use raw or cooked to add a delicious zing to just about any meal. Ever sautee some mushrooms and green onions in butter? Excellent side dish. They go in almost any stir fry, on grilled fish, in soups and salads or, if you're really into onions, they are even delicious grilled in olive oil on their own.

The green tops of the red, white and yellow onions I planted that you see in the photo above will grow larger and larger and even begin to fall over and then I'll know it's time to harvest the onions, pulling them up to see how big the bulbs have grown. The green tops are kind of like scallions or green onions - except more mature - and can be used in place of scallions or chives if you want, but they aren't exactly the same thing. I could chop them into a tuna salad for sandwiches, could use in an omelet or on a baked potato in place of chives, whatever strikes my fancy.

Chives are herbs and typically have a more mild flavor than green onions and you'd use them when you want an oniony flavor but don't want big chunks in your dish; like in a dip or as a garnish over a meal. However, if you don't have chives on hand you can dice the very greenest part of a green onion as a substitute, but use less because the green onion is more pungent than chives.

You can grow red, white and yellow onions from seeds or bulbs, like I did but there is a really great trick to growing green onions over and over again. Just buy a bunch of green onions from the produce section of your grocery store and snip off the white part, like so:



I cut right where the green starts to fade into the white. Now, put the green onions in a bag and throw those back in your fridge (best used in one week) and put the white bottoms in a cup of water:



Give it a couple days and you'll start to see tiny green shoots of onion re-growing out of the bulb. Look! I done growed something!





Now, just like I'm about to do, head out to the nearest patch of dirt and plant those suckers and you'll have a fresh crop of green onions in no time! Do it over and over again with each new batch and you'll have an endless supply of fresh, green onions for all these delicious recipes. For fun you can also keep a batch in your window sill just because it's nice to have stuff growing all around you.

As a further FYI to complete your onion lesson for today, here is the difference between yellow, white and red onions:

Yellow: This is the all-purpose onion and the one I use the most. It's what I planted the most of in my garden, drafted Tiger to guard the whole thing and she's (He? I don't know! She/he doesn't want her business inspected and I wouldn't know what to look for if she/he did. Cats are weird eunuchs.) taking shit very seriously.
No tuch ma unyunz.



Yellow onions are, in my humble opinion, the most evenly flavored of all the onions. I like to cook mine until they're nice and sweet. I also like how they have nice, meaty insides. Note: spanish onions are a type of yellow onion and are typically sweeter than regular yellow onions.

White onions are sharper flavored than yellow onions. Their skin is more papery and the actual onion is more tender than the meatier yellow onion. I use these minced in salsas or finely dice them for toppings on soups and baked potatoes.

Red onions are the most astringent of the mix, in my opinion. I eat these at night and I taste them in the morning. I use these guys sparingly, buying one a week, and putting them raw in salsas or salads.

Sweet onions are the Vidalias or Walla Wallas. They're the best on sandwiches and other foods you want a raw onion because they're not pungent at all. Serge makes killer onion rings out of these guys.

Although technically an onion shallots are kind of a cross between an onion and garlic. If you don't want to use a pungent onion use a shallot, it's more delicate and has a tinge of garlic to it.



I buy one shallot a week and use it to punch up or brighten any meal. They're often sold next to the garlic in grocery stores. You can use a sweet onion like a Vidalia and a pinch of garlic to get a flavor similar to that of a shallot, if you don't have any on hand.

Onions are complex and intense, right? They are, like, the Daniel Day-Lewis of the vegetable world. Did you know his full name is Daniel Michael Blake Day-Lewis and he has both British and Irish citizenship. If that's not green onion/scallion-y I don't know what is.

There will be a test on onions Monday. Any questions? What's your favorite onion? What's your favorite onion recipe? Class dismissed.

Seconds of Today

Henry is obsessed with an eggplant I bought a few days ago. It's his baby. He named it Nash Weaver, which just so happens to be the name of a friend of his.